Dad not turning up!

What you''re facing is essentially the reverse of the problem many men (like myself) face - and discovering that while the courts are good for preventing or limiting contact they have no ability to make it occur.

Unless both parties are committed to regular contact it''s just not going to happen.

My advice is to realise what you can and can''t change, and then work with the things you can change to get the best outcome for your kids. For example in my case it means swallowing my pride and submitting myself to all sorts of ridiculous supervised access and schedule changes, ignoring the insults from my ex ...etc.

In your case it possibly means rising above your ex''s pettiness and being as flexible as possible. Remember that it''s not him who "wins" in this situation - rather your children win by having their father involved in their life.

So in reality what I should do is simply give him whatever he wants, when ever he wants it, never question it, just be flexible?

Never mind my work! My plans, me moving forward? I just have to do what he wants?

If I ever say no I am always subject to wild abuse and therefore I should teach my daughters that when a man says you must do this they must do it?

Unfortunately our court system is quite honestly awful. All separations should start with shared care of 50% and worked back according by on situations and needs and work etc, the way we do it is ridiculous.

It simply allows ''parents'' like him to walk away and allows ''parents'' to with hold children for no good reason. Just because you gave birth does not give any one more rights.

It should be a criminal offense to withold a child and a criminal one to abandon one.

If I just didn''t turn up id face all sorts but he just gets to walk away but parenting these two doesn''t suit at present.

Pinklady - no you shouldn''t feel you have to give him what he wants when he wants it - not at all. There is a court order in place, and by agreeing to the continual requests to chop and change, you - and him - are ignoring the order. You are within your rights to maintain that you are sticking to the terms of the order, and that you will not entertain any further requests to change the court-ordered arrangements.

How do you communicate with each other? What form does the abuse take?

Hi

All communication is via email after a torrent at Xmas, he has continued to abuse me via email and its all very distressing.

He wont follow the court order and we are at a stand off. I say they''re here desperate to see you, he says not until you agree what I want.

I''m beside myself now with anger, upset and desperation.

May we know what he wants?

How will it affect the children and you if you agree to his proposal?

I wasn''t saying you should take abuse, verbally or otherwise. This can be pursued through the police and there are real penalties which may be imposed on your ex as a result.

However in regards to contact, the fact is that no-one is going to compel him to turn up. And even if he was compelled I doubt this would be a good situation for your children.

From what you describe it sounds like you must choose between being flexible, or your children not having contact with their father. Neither is ideal and you have to decide which is the least bad. I don''t think returning to court is a viable third option - it will be expensive and at the end of the day is unlikely to solve your problem.

HE wants to change pick up time from 3''at school to 7 at a local train station.

He claims that his work have changed but I know for fact they haven''t. As he''s slipped in up in his lies.

This is a change after many, we''ve had three women this year, all met on within weeks, four different homes, sleeping on sofas etc. I''ve facilitated it all but at Xmas heb failed to show and when I dared to question I was horrendously abused.

The change is no good as it won''t be the last and mine and the children''s lives are literally on his piece of elastic and what he wants next, and if what he claims is true it''ll be a very late night. We are all at his whim which is why I want court order followed for at least some stability.

He also wants drop half school holidays.