Comminucation

the children''s schools should be happy to communicate with your husband independently of his ex so there is no need to miss any school-based activities/shows/concerts/parent''s evenings. On top of that, most schools publish their major events way in advance on their websites and will sign parents up to receiving e-mails and texts. The ex cannot stop your husband being on these mailing lists.

Activities independent of the school such as dancing and swimming might be harder to build a relationship with but there is nothing to stop your husband trying. A sympathetic administrator who understands the difficulties will probably be more than happy to let you know when events are happening.

Parties are more complex but developing an independent relationship with the children''s best friends and their parents isn''t impossible and would help.

I never cease to be amazed by ex husbands who seem to feel it is the ex''s responsibility to keep them up to date with their children''s lives. Whilst I appreciate some ex''s will do whatever it takes to remove the other parent and then criticise them for not being there, I think most of us just need to be getting on with busy lives and don''t always think to pass on information on all occasions. I sometimes forget but at the same time, I''m not my ex''s secretary and he''s perfectly capable of finding out when parent''s evening is from the school himself (and it''s on the same day of the same school week every year if he''d care to think about it..!)

We have a reasonable rapport with the school and we get informed of most things but invariable not everything is put in a newsletter or on the website so some things are missed. If a letter goes home on mums day for an event that falls on our day then it''s as good as guaranteed we won''t get it. Kids have missed non uniform days or dress up themed days and we feel bad. We certainly don''t expect mum to be a secretary or inform us of everything as we can and do find out most things for ourselves. That is not our biggest issue re communication. Eg; we asked if we could have the children for a family event a 3 hr drive away. So we need to book hotels. So we email a polite request.. Two weeks go by the usual no response happens, so we print off email to give to son to give to mum, another week, no response.. So our issue is that we don''t get anything to let us know. We can''t keep going to court to ask if the kids can go to family parties.. Do we give up trying to include the kids in our life or give up asking mum coz in 5 yrs she has never ever said yes. We only ever ask when the need arises maybe a couple of times a year. There''s no talk between parents about secondary schools or anything else. Nothing. Zilch. So that''s our dilemma.

Actually I do think its the role of the parent with the majority of care to inform the other parent of stuff. I have been on both sides and always informed the father of parents evenings, non uniform days etc. He didnt have the privilege of having day to day care, I did.

I am really shocked at how little my husband ex communicates to him. If she wants something she expects an immediate response, however if my husband makes a request it takes several texts before she responds.

The idea of having to take this back to court because "she won''t talk to us" sounds so childish and I am 100% sure a judge would see it like that too.

You could take back to court to get the holidays sorted but agree you cant take it back to court to make her talk to you.

Have you tried mediation? Maybe a independent third party could show her that communication is about the children''s needs not her or her ex.

Seriously we have tried everything. She just blatantly ignores everything. It''s like dad doesn''t exist and is not important. Guess we just put up with it coz it looks like there is no way forward unless she starts to communicate. Which is not going to happen.

Hi, have been in a very similar situation to you so want to share what I tried which helped me and the kids to move on.

I saw a counsellor for a while last year about a number of issues around my divorce and subsequent dealings with my ex.The first thing she suggested was to stop taking responsibility for the ex.

If yours refuses to engage or communicate with you, that''s her choice. Explain to the kids that you are going to do all you possibly can to get them where they need to be. INSIST that the school send copies of ALL documentation - newsletters, one-off letters, PTA events, parents evening, everything. If you have PR they are legally obliged to send these to you if you request a copy be sent to you. Non-negotiable.

Parties. If your ex doesn''t tell you about kids parties then you can''t be expected to take the flak for missing them. Tell the kids this, in a no-frills but to the point way. They are old enough to work out that mummy didn''t tell you, you''re sorry but it''s mummy''s responsibility to tell you.

Same for other events. Make it your business to do your best to find out as much as you can, but again if mum doesn''t tell you, it''s not your responsibility, its hers.

My ex refused to let me take the kids on holiday to Majorca in the first year we separated. I applied to court to be allowed to take them away and miss one contact weekend (and won, of course, the Judge could not believe his pettiness and attempt to control me), since then he has been slightly flexible with the right approach to changes to contact arrangements.

If you pass the responsibility back to her, the kids will soon realise what''s going on and hopefully be able to work on her using guilt tactics (gotta love kids right?!) Tell HER at handover that you''ve told them that they missed the event because SHE didn''t tell you.

The holiday thing might need more of an official legal approach, but firstly make sure you''re doing all you can, and make sure the kids know how hard you''re trying to make it work for them. Be nice, the moral highground has a great view!