How to tell my kids we have separated

Supers

It is tough knowing he is living in FMH with the kids but we share care 50/50 - week on, week off so they are with me for a whole week in every two, which makes it bearable. There will be a mesher order on the house when the finances are finally agreed so I will get my money from the house when my youngest is 18. I took out the trigger of cohabitation so ex and boy friend could live in the FMH and the children stay in the area at the same school and with the same friends. Ex has a part time job and boy friend has debts so if they had to buy me out they would have had to move from the area. It will cost me more money in the long run but it means my kids are not going to have disrupted schooling and lose their friends by having to move and the kids are the most important thing.

On the 50/50 shared care, the way I look at it, the kids have one life and two homes. They can walk to school, do the same activities and see the same friends whether they are at my house or ex's house.

On the SM for 6 months after he moved in, I was told by my sol that is what is standard so I paid it. They didn't declare they were living together until 4 months after he had moved in but did back date it so I have been free of SM for 9 months now.

One of the "carrots" to sell the 50/50 shared care to your ex2b is that it gives her a week without the children to allow her to live properly with her boy friend without the stress of the children. My ex is a very sociable person and loves going out and so loves the freedom of not having the kids for a week. It also means that you are not a "good time" weekend Dad (no offence to weekend dad's - it is what my ex has christened me as I am always taking the kids out to do fun things)- you are caring for them properly - washing, cleaning, cooking, shopping etc.

Let me know if you need any more info

Mon

Supers,
Go for 50/50 if you can, be firm, they are as much your responsibility as her's. All the divorced dad's I know are doing it. I do Wed, Thurs, Fri and every other Saturday and it works really well for us. If you live close enough and can get a little bit of help or get work hours that suit it is really worth it. Mine are 6 and ten. Found out about the affair at end of Feb, told the boys about split at end of March moved out beginning of June (because she got really cruel). Boys are doing just fine. I think the fact that they see each parent half the time and regularily makes all the difference to them.

Ex's b/f has not moved in yet, but I'm sure it is just a matter of time as he is always there. No need to tell kids about mummy's bf, they figure these things out pretty quick. They don't want to hear bad things about either parent, just that they are not the cause of split and that they are loved.

Supers

You are getting some great advice and shared experiences here. One of the many good things about this site.

I am full of admiration for your honesty and the depth of thought you have for your boys.

Your realisation of your own fears and lack of acceptance is so honest and hats off to you for realising this, I only wish others in the same position as you had the clarity to see this.

It is so so hard to practice what we preach regarding whats best for our children during all this, and I fully agree with Monitor and Perry - imo it is best for you that its mums job to tell them about the boyfriend, they will detect that you are not happy if you tell them, and thats where they start to feel 'in the middle' of things.

It wont be easy for them, they are at the age where they wont just 'accept' a quick new partner, she wont have it easy and being the kinda dad you sound, they will never ever think that anyone is better x

Good point SadEyes, we ALL deserve to be happy. Even the ****ing STBX as she will always be their mum I know.

Mon, your situation sounds where I want to be. All in the same area, walking distance from school, no disruption. My sister also did this 10 years ago and it worked for her although she looked after the kids full time.
The week on/week off sounds great - it being a proper Dad which is what I want, not relegated to the has-been Dad (and there appears that nagging fear of the new BF taking over as Dad.... banished in this scenario).
I will have to work hard to persuade my STBX about this one, although it gives her and BF the chance to be alone and have fun, painful though that thought still is (did I actually say fun in that context?).
I love your mantra, one life, two homes, as will my boys. That's the only way they will come out of this unscathed.
I have been thinking about how to avoid the good time dad - nice description - at all costs too, and this fits the bill.
I am full of admiration for you (and your ex I guess) for making it work.

And thanks again perry for showing me another example of the 50/50 split working, it's great for me to hear it. My STBX (and BF) both wanted to avoid this a while ago but I am going to push for this at all costs, it's the only way I can remain a true Dad which is all I want to be for my boys.

MrsNoMore - thanks for your compliments, I hope I can live up to them with actions, which is all that really counts, not just words. I can see what you mean about them feeling in the middle, that must really reduce the respect kids have for their parents - being strong for them is so so hard but its the only objective worthwhile. My idle thoughts of retribution can be saved for the late night chat rooms .. I've had a couple of fun evenings fantasising about being bad, then leaving those thoughts there along with many laughs.

My chin is definitely up today, thank you all.

supers

I've just read this thread, and I wanted to congratulate you, supers, on taking what seems to be a properly mature approach to what I know is an awful situation. We none of us can control the things that happen to us, but we can control our reactions to it, and I am sure that, where children are concerned, this is for the best.

My own experience is from the other side of the fence. My partner's husband discovered our affair last February. His immediate reaction was to drag their four boys from their beds, line them up and harangue them about their mother's actions. Since then, he's used every opportunity to denigrate her and myself to them, without a thought as to the effect it might have on their emotional development, using them as pawns in the process. He's done everything possible to pressure my partner to stop seeing me. He threatens her that, when he divorces her, he will make it as long and drawn out as he can, to increase the costs which he says she will have to pay.

By contrast, supers, you sound like you are dealing with things in a way that your children will respect you for, and that you can respect yourself for, too. Good luck with it all.

Hi Harry, welcome to wiki.

Thanks for your support and kind words. I hope it works out as I want it to and I have the strength to carry it through, but as you say I may not be able to control everything that happens.

I read your story with slight ambivalence ... you and your new partner are clearly having to deal with a load of extra stuff beyond what most of us do. What has been the effect on the kids so far? It sounds like a real mess for you to cope with. You are clearly focussing on the kids welfare so good for you both.

As the 'victim' of an affair myself (is there a better word for we bystanders to the affairs of our spouses?) I can understand the panic of his guy, although I couldn't (and didn't) have that reaction myself. He is clearly very bitter about what's happened and currently believes retribution is the way to go, and is damaging his own kids as a result. Very sad for the kids.
Yours is a different angle to my situation so I'd be really interested in hearing your story if you want to post more. I hope the other guy calms down and is able to think more clearly given time to get used to the new situation. But I know that can take a long time to accept.

Thanks for replying again.

supers

Supers,
Just thought I'd add something that might help and to let you know that lots of us here will give support.

Have you seen the film Zathura? The main characters are a six year old and a ten year old boy. They are in a divorced family. Part of the week they spend with mom and part of the week with dad. The schedule they use is clearly a four day/three day pattern that switches like the one I use. A phrase is used in the film; "a four day dad week", or a "three day dad week". At our house we call them 4 or 3 day 'daddy' weeks all the time now. Friends refer to them that way as well. Friends who do the week on/week off thing call them 'daddy weeks' and 'no-daddy weeks'. Men have a lot of catching up to do in this area to demonstrate to the courts and society that we can and are prepared to be homemakers, not just breadwinners. Many women also support this view and they know it is best for the children. Some however won't. They cling to the 1950's ideal; man as provider and woman as carer which with the high divorce rate is no untenable.

I didn't know the phrase was in the film until we watched it, but my boys identified with it very quickly and adapted the view that it must be very common, as why else would it be in a film. Kids are that way. If it is on TV and seem to work it must be right.

You are fully entitled to a 50/50 shared residency arrangement as long as it is workable and it is in the boys' best interest. Your ex may well try to fight you on it, so you must be firm and be preapred for a lot of disruption in your life. But the laws are now moving very quickly to recognise the revolution in co-parenting where dads are just as capable as homemakers as moms.

Get an A4 size day diary. Like the the ones people use for work. Keep a record of everything you do with the boys. What you feed them, where you go, staple receipts for everything you spend on them (including shopping lists) onto the pages. Don't include your personal thoughts about your ex. Do include things that work and things that don't. If you cook something and it fails and the boys won't eat it and you have to get a takeaway, put it in.

This will be invaluable if you ever find yourself in a residency action with your wife. You will easily be able to prove that you are one of the many capable single dads that can manage.

Get to know the parents at the boys school if you don't already. Again avoid discussion about your ex. Focus on the boys and your role in caring. Offer to act as abackup in collecting children for others and they will reciprocate. You may well never need it, but if you ever find yourself in traffic thinking you won't get there in time it is great to phone a friendly mom (or dad) and ask them to colelct or jsut to wait with yours. You will also find that they will very quickly come to your aid in terms of reminding you about schedules for outings or when a pcaked lunch is needed etc. That is where woman still have it hands down over men. They look out for one another and they are much better and both asking and offering to help. I presume it goes with eyars of experience.

if you concentrate on all the practical things, you will find less time to dwell on the really bad bits. Nights on your own will be awful, but that is when I do my shopping, washing, ironing etc.