How to tell my kids we have separated

Hi again flowers,

Thanks again for your posts. I guess our situations are slightly different in that your kids were aware of OW whereas mine have no idea of the twin bombshells that are going to hit them - the split and the BF.

As i said earlier I still don't know whether to tell them about him or not. I totally take on board your post about telling them the whole truth as they won't thank me for lying later.
I guess I am scared that this will allow the BF into their lives for real which I have been successfully preventing up to now. My wife has also said she doesn't want to, but that's to protect herself and the BF, not for the good of me or my boys.
Yes that's true - I don't feel so bad about telling them we have split up, it's the BF I don't want to face as that is a direct threat to my fatherhood however you look at it. My boys will ask themselves why mum has dumped dad for another man ... that is scary and at the heart of all my fears. Dang.

And I feel for you if he did the telling on his own. That doesn't seem right to me. Both parents will get all the time in the world to talk to the kids again afterwards and explain their own points of view, but I think the first time it comes out ought to be together for the kids security as they need to know they will always have two parents who love them.

supers
x

Hi supers,

I really feel for you hun.I just hope you can get this part over and done with quickly.

I will add that they will bounce back, and before long will be plotting how they can get one mcdonalds out of you and another one out of their mum !

But on a serious note supers you have no chance of moving on until this is out in the open. It hurts,I know and its crap but it has to be done.

I hope you tell them together. And you are a great dad, why on earth would they take her om as a contender. They are not stupid, they need and want you, not him.

big hug hun,debs

forgot to add;

Your boys will have lots of questions, they wont think any less of you than they will their mother. In fact being with you will be a welcome relief for them. As they get older and come to understand more about life you can tell them more about your marriage. You are very level-headed and deep thinking (that comes across in your posts)so those boys will always be able to come to you.

You have no fears there supers, debs


sorry about the split post!!!!! its past my bedtime lol

Hi Meishka

Thanks for telling your story. I WANT to tell them that it is her that wants out, not me and I know I would NEVER leave my kids willingly, or my wife. Because it is the truth, is it my committment to my vows. And she has to take responsibility for her actions, responsibility for the effect her actions will have my kids.

But goddamit you are right - although I want to tell them the truth I can't can I? For their sake.

She will argue that the core of our split was nothing to do with the affair, it was truthfully over for HER before the affair happened - but not for me. It came after she realised she hadn't been deeply committed to our marriage from the start so wanted out. But she didn't do it the right way - she had an affair in secret, telling me we had no future then I found out about the affair. She didn't face up to her feelings, didn't involve me, then committed adultery. Horrid as we all know.
So was it over when she said so, or when she told me, or when I accepted it was over?
Opinions on that one please.

So what to tell the boys? No point in blaming him so I can't really mention him yet. Do I tell them it was her or it is mutual? That's the question in my case really. It's the truth or a lie.

Thanks for the pointer about reasons on petitions. My stbx will say adultery is not the truth, she will say it was some sort of UB but that is going to be weak as I haven't done anything bad to her. Maybe I should petition her on her UB .. but that's also weak. For a long time I thought there wasn't a case for splitting up ... and have tried to persuade her so, but to no avail. I guess it was the affair that killed any chance of reconciliation, so maybe I can petition her on adultery.
The real reason was that she fell out of love with me. How do you petition that? And who should do it? Should I petition her for her falling out of love? Gets even more complicated for me as I believe in the truth whatever.

cheers again

supers

Hi Subra

Thank you for your post so soon after having told your kids.
You have done it the way I think most people have said it should be done so I totally admire you for doing the deed in the way you have. And don't apologise for writing about your experience - it's just what I wanted.
You both clearly have your kids interests at heart and have compromised (lied) for their sake. You are both great parents and you must be getting on well enough to agree and do this together. I really hope to be in that position with my stbx too, but sadly not everyone writing here has been so lucky.

I really hope your son starts talking soon as I'm sure he needs to.
Please keep me (and others) up to date with how it works out - I really want to know about it.

Thank you so much for replying again.

supers

hi supers,
Does the truth not alaways oust...churchill...not me...but at what age and under what circumstances has this relevance. As far as I am aware we are not at war nationally....but nationally we are at crisis within in more concepts...tao cho meng claimed "no peace" ...acceptance..is that the answer?
Elle

Hi Mon,

Very good point. We have told our closest family and friends about the affair but no-one in our local area knows we have even split yet, hence kids don't know. I don't know if there is a rumour mill working though but it has not reached us yet.
I have thought about the PA before - it seems a great way to get more involved so I can be a bigger part of the kids lives. Great idea.
I know a few parents already as I always get involved in school pickups whenever I have days off etc. My youngest will be at the top school next autumn with my eldest which makes it easier - a new set of parents to meet who will have no background of me being together with my stbx.

cheers

supers