How to tell my kids we have separated

Don't be hard on yourself Supers - everyone is different with their circumstances, and it seems you have always had their best in your intentions x I am sure that you are well placed now to be able to do this without the temptation of placing blame, although the children will make their own minds up now and as they grow up.

My eldest is angry with me for having him back to try again and doesnt understand why I did. I try and explain and when she is older and has had her heart broken maybe she will see things differently x

I know you will do whats best for your boys and hope it all goes as well as it can x

From your comments it is obvious you are handling this very well. Probably better than most. It will be hard but you will get through it and so will the boys.
best wishes, Perry

It is tough.

My ex and I agreed to separate in March, but to stay together until elder son had done GCSEs.

In May husband finally told me he had another woman, so I spent the next 2 months pretending to be "normal" (whatever that means). We told them together. Ex was very put out that elder son appeared to be texting his friends and younger one glued to the playstation while he spoke, but I think that was because they didn't want to look at us or hear what we were saying.

Ex didn;t tell them about the OW until later, but I think they were aware he had been seeing her for sometime and of course they have interpreted his actions as him choosing to spend time with OW's children - boy 9 and girl 5 - instead of them. And in a way, of course, they are right.

They are both rather disparaging about their Dad (I've been careful what I've said to them about him) and are a bit embarrassed that he's now wearing trendy tshirts - he's 53. Elder son, more teenagery and into peer pressure just finds him very embarrassing.

Thanks for your replies.
I'd like to think I'm getting my head around it albeit very slowly ... but I haven't done it yet.
Your words and experiences help a lot.
The overriding point so far is to tell them soon though, and I'm taking that on board and letting it run round my head.
Ideally I'd want them to have one more innocent Xmas but on the other hand, if it's our last one as a family, then we can make the most of it if we all know that.
However I realise most of the reasons for keeping it from them is my own fears and lack of acceptance, so this is all in my head.
I know I am worrying about it all alone but I shouldn't have to worry about all the consequences on my own. I need to talk about it with my STBX as this is half her deal too. I think the consensus that I've read says tell them together so we'll have to agree what is said as I don't want to argue about it with her in front of them - that would make us seem less able to be there for them apart. I'd rather explain my take on it all with them on my own. As will she.
Is that what others have done?

My hardest decision is whether to tell them about the new BF, because it will be more lies if I don't, and having told them about our split, I don't want to lie about anything else.
Is a double whammy a good idea, or is saving the new BF for another day the best plan for the kids? Would they appreciate it being kept from them, would they think there is more to come after that too?
My STBX doesn't want to tell them about him yet, because it will be to his detriment I believe (and she believes I'm sure) then being associated with our breakup.

Any more thoughts?

Thanks again.

supers

Supers

I've been in your situation and it was the worst day of my life having to tell my kids that we were splitting up.

That was a couple of years ago and since the split my life and the children's lives has been much better.

I stayed in the FMH with ex for almost 5 months after I found out about her affair and it was hell. How you are coping after a year?

Like you we tried to plan telling the children, but my eldest overheard a row and asked us directly were we going to split up and we said yes. This was 3 months before I moved out and they were able to get used to the idea before I actually left.

I, like you, wanted the kids to know that their mother had been having an affair, but was told by a mate not too. He had been in the same situation and had told his kids - all it had really done was dump on his kids and hadn't helped THEM through the break up of their parents marriage. Ask yourself this question - will it help you children if they find out about their mothers affair? You know the truth and you can tell your kids when they are older when they understand more.

So I didn't tell them and I haven't told them in the two years since - they are now 12 and 10.

On the practical side, the bloke she had the affair with moved into the FMH within 7 months of me moving out. I finished paying spousal maintenance 6 months after that. If my kids had hated him because they saw him as the reason their parents marriage had split up, they would not have accepted him and ex's relationship with him may have failed. I would probably be paying SM again now. But they all seem to get on well and I am able to rebuild my life financially.

I hope this helps

Mon

Yes Mon, this helps a lot, thanks for posting.

It's all so sensible isn't it, what I should do. And I guess I will. But I damn well don't want to as I can't see that 'better' life yet, just me being shafted. However I do take your point about SM and the only way to save paying it is if my STBX and BF move in together openly. Not sure I want them in the FH but there's another bitter pill to try and swallow.
Sorry you've been through it Mon but you sound ok after it all and I know it can't have been easy.

How do I cope? For the year I've put up with their affair as I thought/hoped I could get her back, but it seems she really does love him. Ouch. Another pill. We are very civilised together when the kids are around (me more than her and I always keep the peace) and she only sees him after kids are in bed or during days when we are at school/work. I guess I should be thankful for small mercies but that's how the boys don't know yet. And we never argue in front of them. But it's getting worse as I pull away from her and fully realise her cake/eat it scenario and therefore gather strength for the impending storms and stand up to what they are doing - while I pay for her nice life. Grrr.

Yes I know the truth and won't tell the kids about the BF, I hope she doesn't either as that's what she's promised before. Mine are now 10 and 12 too by the way.

A question for you - how the hell do you accept him living with your kids at 10 and 12? Do you have equal rights and share their time during the week? My STBX wants them with her more than with me, but I want 50/50. What do you do?

And another - how come you carried on with SM 6 months after he moved in? Didn't you want to stop straight away?

Thanks again, great to hear from someone whos been through the same thing.

Supers

Hi there

It is hard to tell the kids - I know it is - but remember this is happening to them too.

They probably know more than you realise and are confused. They are old enough to understand and should be given some control in what happens to them. Let Wife explain about boyfriend - why should you? They will find out at some point whatever.

Stay strong you all deserve to be happy.