How to tell my kids we have separated

Supers,
I admire how you are handling this. Just wanted to let you know that I stayed around until I was almost broken mentally. When I said I was leaving....not for another person i feel compelled to add......my x forced me....physically...to sit down and tell the kids.....it haunts me to this day...there is no easy way....and it is definetely not the way i would have chosen.
Take care
Elle

Hi Supers,
My boys are 13 and 15. They have come to terms very quickly with their dads absence. However they do not want to stay with him and his ow. They have told me they do not want him coming back again, this is because he has had many affairs and always come back to us after a short time away. This time the boys have said they dont want him to come back.

Your boys will come to terms with it too,

I do agree with you, and I get so angry with adulterous women who do this to their husbands knowing they will get house and trimmings and new man, while innocent husband loses it all.( and yes I know some women lose out, but generally not when they have kids)

debs

Supers,

I can only tell you how I handled it, it was not really what I planned but here goes anyway.

I discovered the affair and she finally admitted it, I wanted to play it straight from the hip tell them the truth that due to her infidelity it is over. We argued about what to tell them, ultimately we agreed that I would say that she has fallen in love with someone else and mummy and Daddy will be separating. I fell short of naming him...

So 27th July 2008 a Sunday I call the kids from doing their stuff and sit them in the Lounge. The words came out all wrong.

I lied for her, I explained that Mummy and Daddy had grown apart, they still love them very much but we will be divorcing.


I should re-adjust, it came out all right, this was the right thing to do, they needed protecting. They will live with her and knowing that she did this may affect their relationship.

So my limited advice would be do what is right for the children, think of them. At the ages they are they will understand that these things happen. It is how you handle it that is the important thing.

So advice in this area over... and onto the next.

I made a mistake on responding to my wifes petition. I wanted to make life easy for her and agreed to the week case of unreasonably behaviour she quoted. I wanted to cite adultery but my Solicitor advised me against it. With hindsight I wish I would have cited her inappropriate realationship.

My reason for this is simple, over the passage of time the whys and wherefore's will be forgotten. You may be made to look like the ogre... the destroyer.

This is already what has happened to me, she enjoys stating that I must have been unreasonable because the judge agreed to it.

Beware of this. Also be careful what she puts on the form at some stage you may find a pillow of your dreams and she may ask what you divorced over.

Good Luck

Meishka

Well you guys may not like this, but I believe in telling the truth, straight up. I was lied to as a child, and yes my mother did it to protect me. But then as an adult I found out a few truths and was not happy about being lied to. kids are very resilient and if they are cared for and loved they bounce back well.

My s2bx told our boys he had found "another lady" and was never going to live with them again. As i've said before, they were used to his ow anyway. I do think it is best to tell them together but that was taken from me. I dont know why he did that, suppose it made him feel in control.

I still hate the fact that he is happy with someone else, and admit I am jealous of them, but things can only get better.

Supers, your boys will move on and so will you when you nail down the coffin.

hugs, debs

Hi supers,

I was in a very similar position to you only this time yesterday!!

I started divorce proceedings in July of this year, Decree Nisi was granted 21st October on grounds of stbx's UB.

I have 3 children, twins of 7 (boy and girl) and a girl of 4 years. The MH went on the market in September, didn't feel able OR ready to tell kids then about impending divorce(made viewings a nightmare.)

I found it incredibly difficult to remain a normal, reasonably happy, fun, patient mum whilst dealing with the devastation of the breakdown of my marriage. Quite honestly I was petrified of telling my children. How would they react, how would I cope with the guilt?

Thanks to one of my so-called friends (school mum) who found out about my impending divorce through a friend of a friend and subsequently chose to share the news with the rest of the mums at the school gate, I really felt I had no choice but to tell the children. My stbx and myself discussed what we would say to the children (he came home early from work and we rehearsed what exactly we would say.)

Basically we told the children that we had decided to separate, that mummy and daddy still loved each other (lie!) but were not 'in love' with each other, that we would still be friends and that although they would live with mummy they could see daddy whenever they wanted. We explained that as the house would probably not be sold until the middle of next year (who knows!) mummy and daddy would continue to live together so therefore things would not change immediately. We told them that if they had any questions or problems that they wanted to talk through, however silly they thought they were, they could always talk to mummy or daddy.

I rang the children's school too, informing the head teacher (who was lovely) who told me she would inform their teachers, school office etc and keep an eye on them.

My 7 year old girl seems to have accepted the news well, she told me she was sad but that she understood what was happening. My 7 year old son was very quiet, still is. I'm hoping he might talk to his twin sister (if unable to talk to me straightaway) who can reassure him! My 4 year old didn't take it in at all. As I write this, the children (who are in very good spirits) are sitting with me and stbx watching TV about to have our usual Saturday night dinner! No questions so far. I feel soooo relieved I've finally told them. I owe them that much, I can't continue to live a lie.

supers, I know it's scary but try not to be afraid. You will feel so much relief once the children are told. I wouldn't suggest you say anything yet to your children about your stbx'S BF. That can come later.

I wish you the best of luck supers. I'll be thinking of you. My prayers are with you.

Apologies for the v. long post.

Subra

supers wrote:

And I know I must strike up a relationship with the kids friends parents too. This is harder as she does all the organising at home during the day and is close friends with so many mums. It is hard for dads to break into this whole scenario of the mums running the kids lives as most of us dads work full time but theres no reason why it can't work and as you say, the high divorce rate and changing gender roles makes this more common.

thanks again

supers

Supers

Beware the school gate Mafia! You have to get the message out to parents you trust that there is more to your split than you and your ex2b not getting on, if you decide not to tell the children about her affair. Most people add 2 and 2 together and get 5 and its normally the husband who gets cast as the villan!

I found out about ex's affair in early July 2006 and we told the children in August 2006. As we had decided not to tell the children about her affair, this was the same message that was delivered at the school. The first time the majority of the school parents knew about us splitting up was at the beginning of the Autumn term.

I knew a lot of the Mums and Dad's at school - I did a lot of the pick ups and drop offs and my eldest was in year 5 (when I found out about her affair) so I'd had 5 years of getting to know them.

Even though these people knew me, the reaction from some was that I was having a mid-life crisis - we had just spent a massive amount refurbishing the house, ex had been diagnosed with breast cancer and was receiving treatment and I had bought a flash new car - one comment was very hurtful "what a bastard, his wife has had a mastectomy and he can't handle it so he's leaving"

Luckily, I knew enough parents at school who I could tell the truth to and they put the word out what had really happened - it did help that one of the Mum's who was one of the "playground leaders" had seen ex and her boy friend in a pub about 5 miles from home during the early part of the affair - almost two months before I found out!

One of the things I did to get to know more parents - and also find out what was going on at school - was to join the Parents Association at school. This really pissed the ex off, but there was nothing she could do about it.

Now all the parents accept me for who I am - the children's father and most of them know I was the innocent party in the break up my marriage.

Mon

Elle,

Thanks - my stbx threatened to tell the kids on her own this morning after a minor meaningless row and my feeling is I must ensure we to do it together for the good of the kids. To be forced to do it is wrong and must have been so hard on you. You are clearly best off away from a guy like that.

take care

supers