Payments over and above the csa

Money grabbing ex??
i take offence.
I have 2 children and my ex is a complete tight arse when it comes to money and his time with the children.
Once I have paid for dinner money, breakfast clubs etc i have used nearly a third of his maintenance ( decided by CSA as he was using money as a control thing before i gave up and went to CSA)
Kids shoes (nearly £35 a pair) , grow out of clothes like nobodys business and eat you out of house and home!
I understand there is a limit and he is entitled to a life but when a company director pleads poverty to his kids when their mum works part time and keeps a 4 bed house running because she cant sell it, I have no sympathy!
Do i sound bitter? Financially divorce is a disaster!

My ex pays csa for 2 children and thats the lot! And thats £274 per month.

Just cost me £400 to go to two Universities for interviews for one of our daughters - train fares.

I am unemployed at the moment, made redundant just before Xmas and not there long enough for redundancy pay.

My kids take sandwiches to school, but I have to find £3.00 per day train fares = £15 per week, shoes, pocket money, mobile phone for emergency and texts, the usual bills, plus internet for homework sites, dance class lessons once a week, hair appointments.

I live alone with our children and animals. we eat very cheap value food, no lights unnecessarily left on, girls so need showers every day and the usual femaile products.

My ex lives with his partner and has next to no overheads, just alcohol and meals out and clothes for self etc.

He gives them absolutely NO pocket money, takes them NOWHERE.

I manage to ensure they have what they need, as well as sometimes what they want, by selling my possessions on ebay.

I think my ex thought when I was made unemployed that I would suffer, perhaps have to sell the house etc.

But we have managed and still are - but then women are very resourceful.

Here is another perspective, from a Dad who should be paying CSA but isn't.

My children are 17 and 14. I have them officially half the time (every Sunday evening and Monday evening, and alternate Tuesdays, Friday and Saturday evenings). In actual fact my son is with me far more than this (he is 17) and when he is with me the extra times I feed him.

They have their own rooms and furniture when they are with me, so I have the expense of running a house with enough room for us. I do not have a partner living with me bringing in more income. I buy them clothes, I pay for school trips, revision guides, college fees etc.

The children have friends for sleepovers, and I feed those friends.

My ex wife moved out of the marital home over 3 years ago. She left the children with me as I worked from home full time at that time. She wanted to 'be me' after I found out about her affair - I've since found out about others. We ended up having to sell the marital home as I couldn't afford to buy her out. She got more than half the equity in the house, plus the proceeds of an endowment. She has remarried and moved her new husband into her house.

She has had several overseas holidays in the last 3 years, including her wedding in Ravello when she was out in Italy for 2 weeks. She has only taken the children on one of these holidays. I have not been abroad on holiday since the split.

She is often wearing new clothes and carrying new handbags. I can't affor new handbags

She has a number of qualifications that she obtained when we were married ( with my support for her going to college) and currently works full time. I work full time and work from home as much as I can to fit in around the children.

She receives the child benefit and as such is the 'parent with care' and in the CSAs eyes I should pay her child maintenance of over £200 per month. The CSA think that even if a Non resident parent has the children half the time or more that the parent doesn't incur the same costs as the parent with care.

I do not pay her any child maintenance and I believe I am fully justified in this. If I did pay her child maintenance I have told her all the 'extras' would be paid for by her, which she knows would be more than the maintenance she would get, so we have an uneasy truce. For me though I would hate to have to say to the children 'you need to get the money from mum' when they come home with requests for money for school trips, or need new shoes, clothes etc etc.

i suppose your situation is the same as being the parent with care officially.
I sympathise, I cannot afford new handbags or foreign holidays (or any holidays!)
My children have cubs and guides trips which cost, and I dont even bother asking him now.
My philosophy is, dont expect anything from him and then you wont be disappointed. Its the time he doesnt spend with his kids that is sad. He has them the bare minimum, obviously counting days for the CSA, although he is nowhere near the cut off for paying a different amount. He is obviously enjoying his new found freedom and lack of responsibility. Still asks if I am sorting the kids out for trips and days out etc, but I don't anymore.
I can see both sides, I think we are all going to feel bitter if the ex left and has a much better standard of living than we have. My financial situation is not dire, Thank god I got decent qualifications and a good job, be it part time (NHS, no chance of increasing hours just now!), but i really need to sell this house and downsize.

Thankyou so much everyone for all your valued input, i agree its a grey area and down to your induvisual situation i suppose.
I'm going to carry on as I am and ignore the abuse and agro i get from my ex. I'll carry on paying the stated CSA amount and caring for my daughter how i have been.