Maintence Versus Level of Contact

Hi,
My ex has recently started asking me for extra money on top of her £380 per month maintenance to pay for 'Extras' and has even indicated changing amount of days, clearly in a bid to get more money.

I have a three year old daughter with her and she has an eight year old son from a previous relationship, he doesnt see his father due to his mothers doing, I am in contact with his real grandparents as they want to try and get contact.
We are divorced but with no financial settlement (cant afford to get solicitor, I have no money).
The children stay with me every other weekend for two nights and every Wednesday night.

My ex and I started living together in July 2005, married December 2005, Seperated December 2009 and divorced in July 2010.

She has claimed in the past that I should pay for her son as he is a child of the family, not sure I agree but I pay her a minor increase on what I should pay for my daughter. Is this wrong? Should I stop paying?

Recently however she has started demanding more money and talked about cutting the nights the children have with me, this I feel is purely as a means to gain yet more money from me in maintenance.

She also has a nasty habit of trying to discount my love for my daughter and step son like this morning she said, and I quote "I cant be bothered to call them on the nights i dont have them".
This in my eyes is clearly trying to discount my love for them. I find it hurtful and upsetting. I dont call as I respect their time with their mother, besides they actually dont want me to call I have discussed it with them.
She has even started picking the children up from the childminder before I can pick them up on my nights with them, this mean I have to go to her house and she drags out saying goodbye to them, this upsets them and they then play up.

I need advice on what to do, I cant live with her constantly demanding money I dont have and in the long run the children will suffer from all her game playing.
I very nearly sent her a nasty text back this morning but I refrained, it took a lot of will power.

What can I do?

I have no money for a solicitor to deal with this and I earn too much for legal aid, on the other hand she doesnt and has made it very clear if I try anything she will claim all the money she can for her stepson and ensure I get less contact.

If I start contact order proceedings what happens with financial arrangements? Will these be sorted at the same time?

She wont go to mediation as she says she doesnt have too; she made false allegations of domestic violence against me at the beginning to get the divorce(police dropped the case), funnily enough she did the same to her stepsons father!

Apparently if its domestic violence she doesnt have to go to mediation and gets legal aid because of it.
Is this true?

I need to get the contact arrangement set in stone otherwise she will change them as she feels and the childrens contact with me will suffer.

Anyone?

Thanks
Bergy

Welcome to wiki.

I have answered some of your questions in response to another post.

Anything above the CSA rate of maintenance is voluntary and unless you have adopted your step son you wont be liable to CM for him.

The childrens contact arrangements and the financial arrangements are completely separate issues and will be addressed in different family courts.

The finances are sorted after the Nisi is issued so it might be best if you want the finances finalised to start divorce proceedings.

The financial split will depend upon the needs of the children, (the step son will be considered a child of the family so will be included in the financial split.)

Not sure about the legal aid and domestic abuse issue. Although I would have thought she would have to have real evidence of abuse not just alleged.

Before this went to court you would both need to attend an assessment for mediation this is done separately and doesnt involved actually meeting.

You can actually get 'shuttle mediation' where each of you are in a different room.

If you want more help with the financial split then please post more details.

jaymdee is correct about finances and contact being treated separately and that the CSA has no jurisdiction over child support for step children. The first port of call for CM is the natural father. However, because the CSA has no jurisdiction over step parents paying child support if a natural parent doesn't pay the courts may consider making an order for child maintenance for step children.

The law says that the courts must give priority to the welfare of "children of the family" when making financial orders. "Children of the family" means any children who lived with the divorcing couple and there is no discrimination between natural children and step children.

If a natural parent doesn't provide CM a court will give regard is to the duration and nature of the relationship between step-parent and step-child and whether or not the step parent has assumed responsibility for maintaining the child during the marriage.

No don't pay for her other son! He's not yours why the hell should you!? Let her chase his dad for that.

My advice from someone who has just been through this. Get as much as you can in writing or if it's verbal record the conversations. Take her to court and watch the judge rip her a new one.

And trust me.. He will. It's DV and bribary.

Hi Jaymdee & Fiona,
Thanks for your responses.

More information on finances below:

I take home £2487 per month
She earns £1500min (I dont know for sure) this excludes benefits, maintenance etc.

No financial settlement on divorce even though we have Nisi and Absolute, just cant afford the legal fees.

She stayed in FMH and paid mortgage since split, refused to move out, recently found she couldnt pay the mortgage and now house sold and completing next week.
There is no equity in fact about £150 shortfall which I will be paying.

I am taking on joint debts, loan £5k and overdraft £1.5k

I will have had the children 123 nights by the end of this year inclusive of holidays.
I pay £384 even though CM Options website says £264 for one child and £354 for two.

I also pay £190 of this via childcare voucher scheme so she gets £243 instead.

This gives her a total from me and the childcare vouchers of £435 per month instead of the £264 for one child.

I am on the verge of cutting it back to what the CM website says I should pay, £264 pay it direct and let her take me to court for the rest. But I know that is not going to make me look good in court.

However I am scared of what she will do, I cant afford to go to court to sort out the financial settlement.

One other twist in this, my new girlfriend and I are expecting a baby in December, I feel this may have been the catalyst that kicked off my ex, she obviously realises her maintenance will go down.

What do i do ?
Is she liable to get more from me if I were to cut it back to what it should be?

Can I self rep? How hard is it?
What sort of cost am I looking at for Solicitor?

Can she refuse to go through mediation?
She said as I have been unreasonable in recent arguements she doesnt have to?
Yes we have argued, tempers have run high, but I have never threatened her as she has implied!

Given I have paid over the odds, could a court make me carry on paying it even though we have had no written agreement stating what I should pay?

If it does go to court are they liable to award her SM?

I cant have her keep demanding like this.

Sorry so many questions.

Keep your chin up, its not as bad as you make it out to be, have your considered doing it through the CSA so you know where you stand each month ?

I've experienced this before with debts, ex partner, contact etc

I found its only a short term thing when they try and black mail you no money no contact. Cut a long story short..
Give her £300 per month
3 months later she'll want £400 p/m
6 months later she'll want £500 p/m
9 months later she'll want £600 p/m
Get the drift ?

DO yourself a favour, straighten yourself out find what YOU should be paying each month, get yourself back on track, you can do it!
When your finances are settled then sort out visting times etc, keep things simple.
It'll be hard for the next 2/3 months, but it will come around, give it time

One thing someone told me and it is very true..
It makes you a stonger person

If I was you, I would apply to the CSA for the amount of cm to be assessed.

Do you have any other assets apart from the house eg pensions.

If the house has been sold where is your ex going to live?

The difference between your incomes including WTC, CB and the correct CM amount arent that great so I cant see she would have much luck getting loads more money out of you.

As you are already divorced it is important to sort out the finances especially with a new baby on the way as she can come back and make a claim on your assets at any time in the future if the Consent Order isnt agreed.

She can refuse to go to mediation but it wont look good in court if she has failed to attempt to negotiable a reasonable settlement.

The main issue to consider is whether she will go through with her threat of stopping contact with the children.

If you feel that contact is the issue then you will need to go to court for a contact order which can be expensive and as I havent any experience of this I cant say how easy self repping for contact issues is.

If you think the issue is financial then it is not impossible (although filling in the form E can be difficult but many on here will help with that) to self rep up until FH, I would recommend if its goes this far and the majority dont, you will need a solicitor at the least and possible a barrister to get the best deal.

Unfortunately throwing money at her in the hope the problem stops is not a long term solution, as with any blackmail, the more you pay the more they want.

Firstly stop trying to communicate verbally about this with her, write down your requests in a polite manner without the finger pointing etc. You can use this later as evidence that you have tried to be reasonable. The last thing you want is her to try to get a non molestation order against you.

I am getting very good at taking the anger out of letters sent between divorcing couples so feel free to private message me with the letter you are about to send before you send it and i will give you my opinion of whether it sounds reasonable!!!