what is fair? a survey on csa

Thankyou all so much for your replies.

I am getting the vive from this thread that maybe i should just put up or shut up??

Why is it that stbx can have affair, put us all through the emotional upheaval that is still continuing, swan about spending what he likes, when he likes, pays what he pays (which given that I have just paid out some 400) in extras since October, but that is o.k???? I agree the children may have to cut back. But where are his cut backs????
He is driving about in a brand new vehicle and spending xxx,

Something just seems wrong here. I know a lot os spouses who pay minimum but will pay extra for school trips or fees etc.


What is more frustrating is that I know what he used to earn and what lifestyle we did have. I know many of you may say well ' move on' but I'm terribly sorry I just don't find it that simple.

Survive
x

survive

I give my ex £200 per month but i pay for the matrimonal debt of which its 10k+, and i have to drive 2 and a half hours, as its 'my problem' if i want to see my daughter.

I don't want to see my daughter 'go without' but then my ex splashes out on Piano lessons but can't afford to pay for a nice pair of school shoes, which i found to my horror.

I can't and don't dictate how she spends her money, i would like to think one day my lil girl could become a good pianist but not to the extent of sacrificing the basic essentials.

I am a fair person and weigh everything up but then with expenditure surely there must be some common sense, in all this somewhere

survive,

it's not fair that your ex has put you in this position and is enjoying a decent lifestyle whilst you and the children struggle, no. I empathize with that one, I really, really do.

But what can you do about it? If you go through the CSA, you run the risk of him minimizing his income and you end up with a £5 a week assessment, or worse still, £0.

Plenty of parents are able to come to arrangements which work in the children's best interests. Those of us who have self employed ex's seem to be exempt from this! There is obviously something in the self employed mindset that gets in the way - or maybe just the simple point that they can control their money in the way that someone with an employer can't.

You have to accept it. Get angry, shout, scream, rant as much as you want. I'll always listen and rant right back with you. Just don't let it eat you up and make you bitter. Smile at him, nod and agree with the crap that comes out of his mouth and then come here and rant! You can't change his behaviour so change your reaction to it - make it water off a duck's back. He's got another car? So what! On holiday again? Good riddance for a couple of weeks! I promise you when you master indifference, the fog clears, you're not so angry any more and life is just....easier. xxxxx

survive,

I feel the same frustrations as you. My STBX turned up at Court yesterday dressed head to toe in designer labels, looking as much a million dollars as he could. ( Me I personally wanted to slip his wizard's cloak on and put a wand in his hand, he has a real resemblance to Voldemort!)

Anyway, he like your X has not declared all is ill gotten gains and has not so much noted that I am struggling to meet the ever growing needs of my teenage children.

But of course, he has plenty of money since we split for holidays abroad, weekends away and showing his many OW the high life!

So I see Ruby's point and yes like most of us here, I would rather do without, than let my children go without. But my goodness how do these 'me me's' sleep at night!????

Where is the justice in it all?

Take care for now FoS x

hi survive

I agree with you completely, it is unfair and your children should not have to go without while he swans around.

But I also agree with mumstoboys and FOS, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. It's not the 'oh well' attitude more of an acceptance of 'it is what it is'. You can't change what he did, you can't change what he is doing now, but you can change the way you react.

That said, I am a year down the line on this and just this week asked my ex to help with a £3k roof leak on the FMH which we still jointly own. He knows I can't afford to repair it and he just told me it was my problem to deal with. I didn't feel very 'it is what it is' right then!

It's very hard and honestly left me with bile in my mouth some days, especially when I saw him off on hols, buying his Partner a new car, fancy new clothes etc.

It does get easier - the accepting, not the coping and budgeting! Hang in there and know you are very much not alone in this.

GMS