Good idea or bad idea?

Hi All

Just wondered what your take on this was. My STBX has sort of moved out of the marital home now and only really pops in for a couple of hours each night to pick up the dog and have a brief chat or sort something out at the house.

He is friendly but is still VERY angry whenever I broach the subject of anything to do with our marriage.

I would love to be able to sit and talk to him about it but he is not able to do this for longer than a few minutes as he gets so angry he has to leave or ends up throwing things at walls.

So in light of him not being able to talk I have been thinking of writing a letter to him. In in I would like to try to set the record straight about a few things - some of which he won''t like and some things that I feel he needs to know - particularly about how I am sorry.

There would be a lot of things that are hard to read - mainly about what he has done that he blames me for, but I feel that he needs to ''hear'' my side of the story.

Yes this is more for me for sure - I think I need closure on it in some way but I am not sure if it is advisable to do it or not?

M x

Could you write the letter and just keep it or have a ceremonial burning? By the sound of his behaviour he doesn''t want to hear your side of things is it worth risking a ''friendly'' relationship? Could you to try to achieve closure for yourself some other way maybe by talking to a counsellor?

Thanks Clawed for your reply.

I could write it and not send it but part of me really wants him to ''hear'' some of these things, I think I''ll write it but not send it for a little while and see how I feel.

MooToo wrote:

I am not sure if it is advisable to do it or not?

I would start with the reasons for doing this and then decide what to do.

* Who are you doing this for? You or him?
* What will you gain if you hand this letter over?
* Will sending this letter change things?
* Are you expecting forgiveness from him if you lay bear your sole?

People are reactive. They are not just receivers of information and say "Ohh that was why thats cool then". They tend to react to things said to them. No matter how well intentioned. And as sure as eggs are eggs he will not see things the same way as you do. Chances are, you will initiate a severe reaction from him. And right now sister? You dont want this.

So looking at all the above, I would say its a great idea to write the letter. But its a bad idea to give it to him.

Why do I say this? Setting down your feelings on paper is cathartic. And its healing and nourishing for us. It also helps us align the flying ducks in our heads. Gets things in perspective. But handing someone your inner most thoughts as to why this is happened is sure to inspire some pretty raw emotions and the outcome is sure to be very ugly. He could do anything. From a war of words letters back and forth to attacking you.

Words are powerful. And you should use them wisely. That means choosing when to say something and more importantly when not to say something. I have never for instance ever got into trouble for the things I didnt say. Only the things that I did say.

Lastly. What is important here? Its not the past thats for sure. The past is done with. You did this and he did that. All done and dusted. I would leave the past where it is. And look to the future. Past is already written. Future is not. But I understand the desire to explain matters. But keep those words for yourself. No one else needs to know. And its only yourself at the end of the day that you need to justify your actions to. Marshy.

Thanks Marshy - wise words as ever!

I guess it''s the frustration that while I am the one wanting the divorce he has fabricated all sorts of stories in his head about me that are totally untrue. Added to that I am the devil according to him in all this but he is the one that has lied and then become physically threatening when confronted about it. No I haven''t acted kindly toward him for the last few years - been very cold and distant and I am sorry for that but it''s done. In that regard as you say so is everything in the past.

It''s just so very sad that two people that once had such trust in each other have come to this

I don''t think any of us like the people we become when our marriages break down over time. I know I had got to the point when everything my ex said or did drove me to distraction. I was permanently tense and close to boiling point.
It is also amazing how fast this evaporated when I no longer had to put up with him on a daily basis - although it could come back pretty swiftly whenever I did have dealings with him.

I know he created his own version of the truth -and many of his new friends thought I was a truly appalling person as a result. He never was one to accept responsibility.

I guess my version of the truth could also be wildly inaccurate but I don''t think so.

Unfortunately we were never able to get to the point where we could have an honest conversation about what went wrong. It us something I wish was possible but TBH I am not sure that it could ever have happened. It is academic now as he died a couple of years ago.
Still bitter - the children had to arrange the funeral alone and I was barred from going.


Hadenoughnow

Thanks Hadenoughnow - I guess that once the house sale goes through and we truly are away from each other I will feel different.

It just annoys me so much that we can''t have this talk - but I will have to get used to that and hopefully in time the need will fade.

Sorry to hear of his passing as this will now of course never happen for you.

Here''s to a brighter future!