Ex wife might want to play financial games?

I am worried...

We have just had our day in court.

I have to pay Ancillary Relief for 8 years (till I am 60 and her 1/2 pension kicks in). Ex claimed inability to earn (health - depression!- Ex has a degree and is was a high earning professional prior to children - she stopped working to give her time to the kids) I was always earning party, 23 years of marriage, 3 grown up kids, almost independent, 1 student still for another year)

I now become increasingly aware of the fact Ex is earning as a new business partner- says so on her business webpage- and is cohabiting with her new businesss partner and in fact was doing so at the time of the final hearing but denied vigorously, as she did regarding her earning capacity. (Is this contempt of court if proven?)

Ex was given 2k pm for the next 8 years ancillary relief on the above basis and 80% residual value of FMH, still at present my home.

On seperation, my Ex was determined to leave home, get divorced and quoted - he works too hard, no life for me-

Moving forward: I am now in a position to get back on my feet emotionally (work was surprisingly was never substantially affected or changed, earnings and position stable).

4 boys healthy and well, now just coming out of Uni and starting to earn, so my/our financial responsibility to them is less direct.

Finally, my two questions:


1 if I move job to live with my new partner and my earnings reduce as a result - can i stop or reduce payments as my earnings will have changed. -- and does that mean going back to court??

2 If I decide to cohabit/marry with a high earning partner, will my Ex have any entitlement or claim.

It sounds like you have done really well in court....if your wife was a former high earning professional and she gave this all up to mother your children. 23 Years of lost high earning potential. That doesn't come cheap!

It also sounds like she did a good job...four healthy children.

It also sounds like you are financially stable.

It also sounds like you are in a stable new relationship.... cohabitation/marriage?

This, I have to say would represent eutopia for me. Be thankful.

Now your questions....I offer good advice...

You can spend a fortune in time, money and most importantly energy, chasing righteousness. Re-read the above and count your blessings, you are lucky. Furthermore the court saw fit to award what they did based on the information in front of them. If it has come to light that this information was incorrect then you would have to PROVE that to be the case, and even then, would it be substantive enough to change the decision. It doesn't sound as though you NEED to revisit this. My ex tried something similar with me and it dragged the whole unhappy affair out for several more years and nothing really changed.

I was not dishonest but when 'attacked' the natural course of things is to defend. It was very easy for me to create a perception of mine and my new lovers life to rebuke any claim my ex made. I also did not feel bad doing this because IN FACT it was pretty true. I began to resent my ex attempting to exercise control over our new life...who is he to say whether my lover could stay over every now and then. It was further complicated for me as my children were not grown up. My ex even tried to 'get information' about my life from my children. Even with this inside track, he was on to a hide-into-nothing.

Ditto my work life. I became self employed in the first place because there was little chance of me re-entering the employment market. There was no way on earth I was going to allow my ex to control my financial fortunes as well as my future life....think for a moment?....he can remarry and I can't! My new lover was in fact a financial burden too!

Now for the legally bit...Orders for periodical payments can always be varied, suspended or discharged on the grounds of changed circumstances ( Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 section 31 )

Anyone considering this should bear in mind the following considerations :

(a) The possibility of negotiation or mediation as an alternative to Court proceedings. (if you can do it this way you will save massively).

(b) You must always consider the costs aspect. Is it, for example, really worth it to spend £10,000 to get £500 a year knocked off your maintenance ?

(c) One of the difficulties about variations, especially after a long period of time, is that it may be much harder for the spouses to know very much about their ex's finances, and it is therefore difficult to judge the chances of success. For example, a recipient may be experiencing real difficulties living on the current level of maintenance but does not challenge it and carries on regardless. The payer may apply for a decrease, and the judge may decide that due to the payers improved circumstances should pay more!.

(f) The Court also has the power to order a payer of maintenance to pay a lump sum in return for the cancellation of the maintenance payments. This can have implications for the payer who may have acquired capital assets since the separation, which the wife cannot claim directly. The Court could, for example, order the payer to pay to the ex wife part of an inheritance in lieu of maintenance. This can be an attractive proposition for an ex - wife who intends to re-marry or cohabit, because the payments would be lost or reduced anyway. Most recipients of maintenance do not know about this; but the payer must consider the possibility that, if they apply for a variation, the ex may consult solicitors who will tell her.

In short, variations or even discharges are possible and within the powers of the Court but you need to weigh up the risks very carefully.

I hope you find this helpful. I have been a member of this forum for quite some time and have never been moved to post a comment until now.

Get on with your enviable life. Develop a generous spirit towards your ex, that attitude will be reciprocated. Learn to talk to your ex-wife as it will help dismantle the adversarial framework in which you currently exist. You will benefit from this and may even get support on your re-marriage as opposed to your ex-wife seeing it as an opportunity to go back to court herself.

God Bless.

What a lovely post sexymum. You have hit the nail on the head. My ex is with someone, she earns, he earns and yet I have had to take him to court twice as after a long marriage he decided to stop payment to me. Was awarded capitalised maintenance to include arrears and expect it before the end of this month.

He treated me and our children badly throughout the marriage and he has nothing to do with our children now, but does not want to pay either the Consent Order or CSA. But of course he has to and does not want to.

I do not want to cohabit or remarry, but if I do so that is because I am entitled to a future life. My ex has one, why shouldnt I? As regards income, I was made redundant and now survive on benefits.

The capitalisation of maintenance I have ageed on is actually a third less than he should pay me overall, but I would rather that than continue looking every month into my bank to see if he has paid.

It looks to me like the payer wants their life to be as they want, but woebetide their ex partner getting on with theirs!

Thank you both very much, those are very helpful replies. It does help hugely to see it from the other side. This is the kind of discussion that I need.

However...
we all make choices in life. Choices to work or not for example. There are plenty of mums (and dads) who have to make these choices, and they are hard, but the children do well or as well one way or another. I actually now think that working mums instill a rigor and discipline into a busy household which benefits the whole family.

It was our choice to marry in the first instance, then to have one working parent, and to see it through. It was my wife's choice to go, to renege on our promises and then to leave me to continue to support children and herself despite no input into the business. It does take two to drive all these things. I do think there is a valid 'other' point of view. I have come across several Wikivorce discussions from a woman's main earner perspective.

My new partner does not wish to fund my ex wife in any way. That is not unreasonable. It is important that I have some idea of what could happen should we get married.

My new partner and I live 50 miles apart. Either I leave my job or she does. Either way we will loose out financially. And then I continue to be committed to my wife finacially as though nothing has changed. To my mind that does not work either.

I look forward to further points of view...!

I am new to the site and this thread is getting very interesting.I am also considering re-marriage and after the same re-assurances as Geewhiz but for very different reasons. My ex-wife was awarded the FMH and I pay the mortgage and Ancillary Relief. I want to know what would happen in the event of me being unable to afford the mortgage payments as well as spousal maintenance...would my new wife be liable for the mortgage on my ex-wife's house? I wouldn't want to see her out of a home but wouldn't want my new wife to have to pay for her.
I am not worried about my ex asking for increased payments because I have married,I will continue to pay what was agreed why would marriage change that? Who would want to play games when it is settled, why drag it back to court? We are fortunate in that we can re-marry, the one receiving the payments cannot without losing their payments... Money isn't everything (unless you haven't got any) perhaps we should think ourselves lucky?

Oh dear, this is why I haven't made posts in the past...I am now drawn in!

I am sorry GeeWhiz but your last post has really upset me.

Your starting point is one of divided camps....'other side'.?Consider for a moment that throughout your separation your former wife may have had a different perception...one of how you both can continue to look after your children and maintain relationships with them, albeit now grown up. It sounds like financially she had nothing, so her starting point will be one of grovelling to you. Yours one of control and self-righteousness....(She chose to leave, I earn so why should I pay her). You held all the strings and still do...she has to check her bank account to make sure you are paying your dues.

Your second paragraph (although I think it was probably written in an attempt to side with 'the other side') dismisses the input of 'stay at home mums' in an instant. It dismisses your wife's 23 years...years...of valuable input. If she were to read this paragraph she would probably dissolve into a worthless lump of goo in front of your eyes. It is my guess that this point was at the heart of your wife's reason to leave.

You say she chose to leave. In one fell swoop you have driven rough-shod over what was possibly one of the hardest decisions she has ever had to make. How can you be so arrogant? Consider why she left you. I understand that every situation and people are different. I am only pointing out that for me (for a woman) to make the decision to leave husband AND children is not a decision that can be made over a cup of coffee and piece of cake on a Sunday afternoon. Your wife's life is likely to have been at an all time low. Notwithstanding your individual circumstances I think it is likely that you had some input into the quality (or lack of) of her life. You MUST take responsibility.

Of course your new partner doesn't want to fund your ex wife. But that decision has been made by the court. If you were really to embrace the advice in my last post and adopt a spirit of co-operation I am confident that your ex-wife will be happy to continue as things are. Again of course there are some mean spirited people out there...but have you tried talking to her? Get off this forum, get on the phone, get around to her with a bunch of flowers and a bottle of red wine and set your cards on the table...tell her you want to get married and have some difficult financial decisions to make and would appreciate her understanding. Tell her that you would dearly love to keep payments the same and that you are scared (yes scared) of her trying to get more. Her response will probably surprise you.

Isn't it marvellous for you that you have found a high earning new love. Oh to have those choices to have to make. And why not live somewhere in the middle? Both keep earning as money appears to mean so much to you.

Your children deserve the best of you...and that means supporting your ex-wife who has limited opportunity and is now at the bottom of the employment ladder. Organise your new life to maintain your commitments. If you and your new partner love each other and want to be together, then make your choice. I do not believe it demands you giving up your work...but if you do give it up that is the choice you and your partner have made...you cannot then whine that your new partner is funding your old.

Consider making a payment in lieu of maintenance. Again...go and talk to your ex-wife. Honestly, your ex-wife will be so happy to not have to live with you that she will probably not be interested at all in claiming more from you.

Thank you 'sillywoman'. I am really pleased you have achieved capitalisation of maintenance...you are frreeeeeeee....