Ex wife might want to play financial games?

To answer your original questions:

If you want to reduce payments you do have to go back to court. I think there is a time period after the order before you can do so, so if you have just been to court then you will have to wait for this time to elapse. Don't forget that if you go to court it may not go your way - for example if your housing needs are met by you moving in with a new partner you might be told to pay more, not less. Also if you voluntarily reduce your income the court can assume that you could still be earning your previous income and rule accordingly.

On the other hand, your ex does not have a call on any new partner's assets or income, even if you marry her. She is assumed to contribute to meeting your joint needs, though.

Best wishes,
Sadie

Yes thank you all for your passionate responses!

This site does seem to feature high on passion, anger and strong opinions. We are all different. Divorce is an angry business. I really didn't want any part of it for any of us but there we are. All of us on this site have been touched by that anger and resentment and disappointment. Arrogance is an emotive word...

I do heed the advice re going back to court. The first time was bad enough and expensive. Dont want to do it again!

Im sure the underlying principle is always and should be basic equity in terms of the same rules being applied to both parties.

My Ex also has a partner who happens to be her business partner as well and between them earn well. So, far from being a controlling Ex husband, I am actually just trying to get back to my normality, as is my Ex, enjoy life with the boys and our new partners, who have all been very supportive of both of us (and actually the boys have probably been affected by all this stupid business more than they let on or we can imagine). I want to put it all behind me. I do hope Ex does too, but I sometimes wonder...!

There will also be inequity in terms of our resulting financial positions. We are working at different rates, different businesses, different partners, different lives now, different expectations.

I am not planning to reduce AR just looking to the future to understand what potential traps there may be for us.

Life is not all about money. However we work to achieve quality of life, self respect and to be part of a community. Money is part of that equation.

So giving away money that I have to work for, and she does not, does bother me. She is working too... a bit... but there is no idea that this in any way is part of the equation.

The presumption that as I am the man and therefore had nothing to do with boys upbringing, education, care, respect, values etc etc is unfounded and one sided and arrogant in itself!

We were both in favour of a stay at home mum at the time. That does have its responsibilities (as it does for stay at home Dads, something my Ex very clearly did not want to do!) to the family too. In the same way, my job requires me to be clear headed, honest and responsible in my actions, and work in complex partnerships which I did not have as much choice in as our marital choice.

Looking back, I do think, for us and particularly for my Ex, it was the wrong decision. Hindsight is a wonderful thing! It allowed us both to slip into some careless ways. Even so it was a two way equal partnership, joint accounts good relationship to bring up such generally respectful and stable boys in good jobs, something must have been right.

Anyway, time heals, we are getting on better and at last Ex is starting to clear her stuff from the house, 3 years later!! We have come a long way from those painful days. Now the sale to do and a whole load of more life changing stuff!

Rereading your first few bits again, it does sound like you have had some anger and controlling behaviour to deal with. It is very sad when one or other tries to control behavoiurs and relationships. This type of control is all futile anyway. It does sound like you have got past this unpleasantness.

We all want quality of life and freedom of expression and movement, which I think is why mediation is so important but very much discouraged by our adversarial legal system. I did try to get us to mediation, too little too late, and was told by the mediator after he had spoken to my Ex, that he could not help us.

Of course it is not a walk in the park for any of us. First time last time I really do hope.

Thank you for your posts

Not sure where you are heading now Geewhiz? You seem to have lost sight of finding an answer to your original questions. I am concerned that you are expressing unresolved issues tied up with resentment and bitterness (it takes one to know one)I found counselling helped and then I could truly move forward. Have you tried this? Good Luck

I have just read this discussion which I find quite distressing as the partner of a divorcee. I only want to express a heartfelt thought... Surely a divorced high earning man should be given the freedom from Ex wife financial burden .... And allowed to start again?

A new life.. A chance to be free ...?
in this case ...
It all seems to be weighted towards his Ex wife's needs and potential demands...

Hello LLLL
I am a high earning man, also divorced. my wife like Geewhiz also stayed at home to raise children.My partner, who I intend to marry soon, and I will make our financial decisions together with consideration to my payments to my ex wife. I do not want or expect my new wife to pay for my ex wife as I said in my first post but I do take seriously my financial responsibilities to my ex wife and have accepted that I must pay this, she lost her earning potential while my career soared. I respect her for that selflessness. This is why I say I feel Geewhiz has unresolved issues. You,as a partner of a man with similar issues must accept his responsibilty at the outset or your relationship will suffer. You take him on with his past, I hope your partner is further along the acceptance route than Geewhiz. Live and let live.

Sexymum,

Thanks for your post. Ah, but he has until the end of the month to pay and I hven't got it yet

He hates me, hates me with a vengeance, cos he has cheated on me all our life and I took him back until the last time..........

So now I have to be punished, badly, financially and the kids are getting punished too, as he has no contact with them. I am/always have been very family orientated. I wanted my girls to have a dad, but it appears if he cant have me, he doesnt want the girls.

So, he may have received his large lump sum of money due to him and left the country and I will have to locate him, or it will arrive. Fingers crossed - I have accepted much much less than he should pay me, but as you say once I have it I will be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Then theres only the CSA to keep chasing