hi I'm new...help...I need a good solicitor

Hi Bollydolly

your solicitor sounds just what I need (as long as he does legal aid tho). I would be able to get to Hinckley without much problem, it would be worth the extra travel time to get someone good. would you be able to tell me who you use? by all means contact me privately if you don't want to make public your details.

I hope all goes well for you tomorrow, I am glad you are going to get some compensation for the fact that you made sacrifices in order to support him. your contribution to your life together was worth so much more than he realises. without you he would not be where he is today, he might not like it but just because he earns more money does not make him better than you, more important or more valuable. good luck

Hey vorlon

Thanx for responding to my input.

I wonder how many kind and tolerant people go through married life, losing their boundries to the autocratic behaviours that their spouse has developed?

Your stbx transfers blame to you, in doing this (in his mind), he disposes of his guilt by giving it to you, ergo, he becomes innocent (in his mind). You reject the blame and it sits in limbo, never resolved, yet disowned. This is so pernicious to any relationship.

My ex used to have a strange way of taking responsibity for his actions, he would apologise (accept responsibility), do exact same bad things again, go figure! It messes with your mind, when they minimise the wrongs they have done towards you. The seed is sown for self doubt, if it carries on for long enough they think you accept it, when all the while you aren't accepting it as it is not yours to own.

Take care hunny, don't mentally exhaust yourself, take it a bit at a time and avoid trauma overload.

79fw

Your stbx transfers blame to you, in doing this (in his mind), he disposes of his guilt by giving it to you, ergo, he becomes innocent (in his mind). You reject the blame and it sits in limbo, never resolved, yet disowned.

OMG do you both know my stbx???? I now know why he does this. For years and years I have had it drummed into me that it is my fault to the point where if we actually speak I counter claim "I know its my fault but".

Self doubting oneself to the point where I thought I was going mad at one stage till I realised I was still sain and our situation had to change.

Vorlon take care hunni and I wish you well, 79fw I agree with you all the way.

x

79fw, you are right, and I wonder why we put up with it for so long

I don't take responsibility for his actions and behaviour and I refuse to take the blame which drives him mad as he needs it to be my fault.

he really does believe he is not to blame for anything he does, he manages to twist absolutely everything that happens in his life to being my fault, he has convinced himself that he is perfect, he truly believes his own hype. he really believes that I am bothered about the pending divorce, that I am jealous that he sees other women, and given that he does absolutely nothing (seriously, nothing) around the house he told me that he doesn't know how I will manage without him. hahahahahahahaha. given that I work an 11hour day as well as doing everything else I wonder what he will do without me!! when I recently stopped automatically picking up his stinking gym kit off the floor 5 times a week he told me I was being ridiculous and he would do it himself as "its not that difficult" he then proceeded to smash up the utility room in temper as he couldn't work out how to use the machine. that was my fault apparently as I have never shown him how to do it... I just smiled sweetly and said nothing.

oh moonstar, I am so sorry for you that you have felt that you have had to take that blame, I got to that point for a while and its soul-destroying, I then started to change what I said, I would say I'm sorry you feel that way/I'm sorry you feel I disappoint you/I'm sorry you think I have let you down/I'm sorry you feel that I am not good enough...he would usually hear "sorry" in the sentence and back off. even though I knew he would not take the responsibility for his behaviour it made me feel better because I wasn't apologising for anything I had done and I wasn't justifying myself to him. if you try any of the statements, don't expand on it, just make one statement and say nothing more if you can otherwise you get dragged into defending yourself again. if he continues to have a go at you and won't let it go try following it up with this- I hear what you are saying and I try and learn every day to be a better person so I will go and think about what you have said to me. if he tries to pin you down after that to admitting its your fault go back to one of the original statements- eg.I am sorry you think I am not good enough. just go round in a circle with it.
It will confuse him and drive him crazy but you will be in control.

Of course he blames you for his life, how could he live with himself if it was all his fault?

We put up with it because we are caring and tolerant, we want to see them get it right for their own self esteem and experience a healthy self love

If they can't conquer it they run away from themselves (remember the blame lies with you in their mind so they detach from you), and find a new symbiotic one. Living alone is the best way for an abusive person to discover themself (naughty step)

For some people the world would not be enough, even if you gave it to them.......


79fw