hi I'm new...help...I need a good solicitor

You haven't failed them vorlon - I'm going to bed so won't write more now. I will reply to this post tomorrow.

But you haven't failed - and need to stop thinking in those terms, I think

Shezi

Hi vorlon

Crikey how threatening he is. Hope you are keeping all of the credit card statements if they are joint.

I can identify with what you are saying to some extent, my ex calls me & our daughter squatters, simply because he decided to move in with his mistress & left us here. He has no grounds for divorcing me & it causes him much angst, he blew it big time & ran away.

Our kids are grown up & it still has impact on them, but, with reference to what you were saying about blaming yourself, know this, kids see far more than some people give them credit for. In a good sense, they know who is being fair & who isn't. It is sad that they have to consider any parent in a bad light, yet it is a learning curve for them. Our 2 understand enough about relationships & what not to do; as a consequence they have both got good relationships. None of ours apportion blame where it isn't due. In other words looking at the positive side in an odd way they learn from our mistakes. Our kids tell me they know why I stayed & don't blame me for trying to hold the family together & make it right.

People always talk about learned behaviours as if the only ones we retain are the bad behaviours, this doesn't have to be the case as long as they have an understanding of right & wrong.

So please don't blame yourself.

Reading up on Wiki is a really good way to gain knowledge about divorce, & you won't rack up uneccessary fees either. Wiki has helped so many people & it's a blessing it is here.

Take care
79fw

gosh vorlon, I just got up and made a cup of tea and logged on to read your post.

You stayed in the spare room for 5 years and dared to ask for a divorce after 3 years??? My god are you a saint?!!!!!!!!
People like you end up on TV you know giving your story.

How is it we humans think we are the master race, that, is almost captivity or slavery? what is he playing at.
Why do people so nice end up with people so , erm, struggling here? ....... awful anyhow.

I wish I could wrap you up and protect you and give you all the help you need vorlon.

Know this, he is very far ahead of you and most important, ANYTHING he tells you is a threat, so much in divorce people say things to break the other down, most of what they say is how they want things to go, or what they want, but it isnt always going to be the case.

You are gong to have to be strong, be out of your comfort zone for a time now, you need to take a big, deep breath in, and take steps forward it will be hard and emotional, dont worry about the kids, you will not loose them.
His speech of wanting to be fair, is a way of keeping you suppressed, its time to stand up girl, be strong for a while and eventually, you will have peace.

Sounds like you will obviously have cause for concern for yourself. I would advise you to get a small digital recorder and leave it hidden in the room when you think it might be appropriate you may catch certain conversations that may benefit you. Also gather all your paperwork and get it to a friends or your parents if they are near. You might also get your post sent somewhere else for now. Get yourself a bank account, hide the birth certs and passports. You are going to have to separate very soon by the sound of it.
Have you been to CAB ? get some advice also see if you can get legal aid and get your solicitor, also get a petition sorted.

We are here to help if you need us, but only you can make the decisions. You need to be strong now for both your sanity and your kids.

good morning Bobbinalong,
being wrapped up sounds just great, either that or can you get me a padded room for a few hours

yeah, maybe you will see me on Oprah on day or maybe I should write a book, the day he turned up with a £23thou car, how I had to take an ironing job within 24hours of him walking out of his job to start his own business with zero income and I earnt £25 a day so I could buy food and clothes for the kids, the £3thou holiday he took to Hong Kong with his mates, the £4thou he recently took to "invest" in a business and has been lost, the list goes on, not to mention the women, the restaurants and how he is lying to them all about who he is, he always has a wallet full of money to flash around to impress yet the joint credit card is maxed out and there are inland revenue demands, god knows what is on the 4 credit cards in his name that I recently discovered. how he pays himself a minimum wage from the business so that he doesn't pay maintenance for his child from a previous relationship and therefore I won't be getting any either, how he buys his women sexy underwear and yet calls his wife a whore when she gets ready to go out...the list goes on

I'm not a saint I think I am weak for allowing him to treat me the way he has. I have had to play the game for so long it has become a way of life. I stayed for the sake of the kids because he was a good dad but his anger has turned on them now as that is one of the only ways he can hurt me now so I have to get them out of here. he has not broken my spirit though he almost did at one point, I held onto my sanity by my fingernails and the stronger I get the more he tries to break me. but he won't

I had put a little money aside but that had to be spent to give the kids xmas so I am back to square one.

when he is nice I don't trust him, my instinct when he said that he wanted to be fair with the settlement was that he is up to something, I know half the debt is mine and I believe he has money stashed that I will never see, I just want to be free now, get what I can for the kids and move forward somehow.

I am so far out of my comfort zone, the finances terrify me and god knows how I will manage but the thought of finally being mentally free gives me strength I never had before to fight for me and the kids.

I have put up with the mental and occasional mild physical abuse for so long that the thought of being free in maybe a few months time keeps me going, I'm so close to the end of this chapter in my life that I feel positive despite being terrified of how I will manage financially. If he loses it totally I would not hesitate to call the police and get an injunction or a restraining order and he knows it so I don't think he would go that far, he likes his reputation as a good guy too much, funny really how nobody knows what he is like behind closed doors, they think he is lovely and I am lucky to have him. hahahaha. I have friends who would take me and the kids in if I needed to get out immediately.

I am a firm believer in karma, what goes around comes around.

sorry, just read what I have written, didn't sleep well last night and I have waffled and repeated myself, I need more caffeine...

Hi 79fw,
thanks for your reply, some people just won't take responsibility for their own actions, your ex and my stbx are prime examples, mine says that I have ruined this marriage because of his "friendship" with the woman I found out about 6 years ago, friendship is fine but as he was going to leave me for her it clearly was something more, apparently I ruined it for him by finding out. he was going to move in with her but she backed off after I found out who she was and got scared of what I might do. I wouldn't have done anything, she would have done me a favour by taking him on quite honestly. yours clearly can't handle the fact that he is to blame either, sad that they can't stand up and be counted and that they have to blame anyone but themselves.

you are right about the kids and it is nice to hear another perspective on it, I hope that my girls will grow up to know that nobody has the right to treat them badly and that they choose a partner that is kind and considerate as a result of their experiences. its good to know that yours have done just that.

I am keeping copies of the joint statements but he has other credit cards and accounts that I can't access (yet) and others that I suspect I will never know about that probably have money in them, he draws cash out now from the joint account to pay for restaurants and gifts for the women since I challenged him on one transaction for a restaurant on the joint card but I can't always prove where the cash has gone, I have a few receipts that I discovered and have kept for the file. I have all the card numbers written down and I am hoping that a court would not make me take any responsibility for his own personal debt though after seeing many friends go through this and come out badly I have no faith in the justice system.

Tell as many people as you can about your divorce and ask if they know a good lawyer. Thats what I did and now have a superb guy. He has informed me that if my ex spends an excessive amount (eg drinking, gambling, meals out etc) it will be viewed as deliberately disposing of assets and what he has spent will be taken out of the settlement. My guy is in Hinckley in Leicestershire unfortunately. I have read a book called Divorce for Dummies, it's well worth the cost as you feel more in control and can save money on lawyers fees if you already know a lot of the info. It tells you all you need to know about what you may be entitled to and how the proceedings work etc. It will also give you all the agencies to contact to claim financial support. One of the things I learned (and have now had 2 lawyers confirm this) was that even though we dont have any dependant children I will still be entitled to maintenance. This is because of my age (50), the fact that I have always been the homemaker so he could progress his career and he is a very high earner.

Meeting my 'old fart' tomorrow to try and agree the financial arrangements, not looking forward to it in one way but am in another as I don't think he is aware of what I will be entitled to! I think he will flip like yours when he sees what money I want from him as he thinks I'm not entitled to maintenance!

Good luck and keep your chin up, just remember you're nearly free of the stress of him!