Introducing myself

Hi. I'm after advice or support, or just to get a load off my chest. Really you couldn't make this stuff up, but I guess it'll be a familiar kind of story on here.

I'm 42 and she's older than me with a grown up son to another father. We've been married for over 8 years but 'together' for nearly 20. The relationship was always a bit hot and cold and to be honest it was going down the pan when we married but nobody deserves all the sh!t I'm getting at the moment.
I did everything to make her happy while we were together and she never had to work, but I never stopped her from doing anything, she just never seemed to want to.

We've lived apart now for well over two years, which was her choice although she was happy for me to ferry her around as and when necessary. I bought out her half of the house early last year, so she got a pile of cash and still doesn't work, and I got loads of financial hardship and debt. Then I moved for work last summer to a different part of the country, but also to be near mates as I was very lonely and in danger of getting depressed. Currently renting my house out and living in shared rented accommo. She gets a new car, computer etc etc and I feel like I have to root around for scraps all the time.

At the moment I'm trying to sort out the clutter of our lives together and trying to move on but there's a load of our stuff still in storage which she shows no sign of ever addressing but uses as a stick to beat me with if she ever lowers herself to contact me by email - our only current contact.

She says she will divorce me when I have sorted it out, but she's been saying this for ages and frankly she has always lied and made up illnesses etc to get her own way and make me look bad. She can be very convincing in this.

As soon as I moved, she 'suddenly discovered' the internet and driving and has tried to hijack, recruit and lie to a great number of my friends. Fortunately they are good friends and haven't been taken in. She also relocated and I've no idea where she is, but she cyber-stalks me and seems to crop up in many places online that I thought were 'safe' and really, I have every ground for divorce going, as she's also newly discovered a latent love of BDSM and frequently posts pictures of herself naked, tied up and beaten (presumably by other men, of which there seem to be a great number).

...and she says I'm 'having trouble letting go'. It's a nightmare.

Well, that feels a bit better anyway. If you managed to plough through all that, thanks.

Hi black shuck

OMG!!!

Real bad stuff there for you, sorry to hear about your circumstances. Welcome to Wiki. You will get support and where possible, advice here.

My opinion and it only my opinion......

I have every ground for divorce going, as she's also newly discovered a latent love of BDSM and frequently posts pictures of herself naked, tied up and beaten (presumably by other men, of which there seem to be a great number).

Steer well clear of, if you have no intentions of rescuing the relationship. Go against any temptations to check out her moves, it sounds quite toxic and not beneficial to you. If normal is what you are after, move away from the situation. Why were you looking for her on those type of web sites? Why feed your hurts?

With regards to sorting the debris out, put stuff in writing to her, (snail mail), you don't need a solicitor to do this for you, use recorded delivery so communication is trackable.
If there is no violence involved then you have a right to your stuff and will not need assistance whilst collecting it. If you give her notice and she doesn't abide by an arrangement, she will look silly later.

Chat is a good place for support, but please be tactful if you drop in there, some people may be sensitive to the BDSM issues. I would check out if the people that are in chat are fairly liberal first; though we are all grown ups, we all dance to different beats.



Take care black shuck
79fw

Thanks very much for the reply and good advice. It's not often I launch into something like that so I guess it may be getting to me just a little

Glad I've found this place.

Ok, just an update.
Communication of sorts was re-established, based on her contacting me and saying she wanted to resolve things amicably, and if I could sort the rest of her things she'd commence with the divorce proceedings. Meanwhile she's slagging me on Facebook, presumably she doesn't know I can read her posts on there, recruiting support from her cronies who don't even know me about how she's just going to be nice to me to get what she wants (though what the hell that is now, I've no idea). She's even lying on there to these complete strangers, saying that I treated her badly and made her life hell for 20 years....I do wonder what reality she lives in.
Fine, so, I replied in loads of time, giving her pretty much the only date when it was convenient to me (as regards affordability and having nothing else planned in order to do a 600 mile round-trip in a hire van with two mates roped in to help). She had the option of having all the stuff she'd already asked for delivered to her door (finally let me know where she's living, angling at me delivering things to her so she didn't have to pay, and wanting to know where I'm living by return, but that's not going to happen) or to her mothers if that was better.
I asked her what 'things' she still wanted and got 'well I don't really know what things are there, just get rid of stuff', in response...
So, we had a 16 hour day yesterday and were unable to do anything but just get the stored stuff cleared out, but having no idea what 'stuff' she wanted as she hadn't let me know, I feel no further forward.
You know, I think what gets to me the most is, having been paying to store this stuff for getting on for two years and receiving no contribution from her, if I ever ask anything of her I'm told I'm 'unfair and heartless as she can't afford it at the moment', but she's now renting a big house in a nice area, treating herself and gallivanting off around the country doing whatever it is she does with whoever she does it with and with no apparent income - and now she's planning a fortnight abroad with her male 'friend' and says she'll get the divorce under way when she gets back. Yeah right. I am sick of being taken for a ride. She seems to have no consideration for me at all and I feel like I'm now being childishly punished for 'ruining her life' while she leaves me to pick up all the pieces. If I could afford to divorce her right now I would. If I never see the bitch again it would be too soon.

We get same bitter ex slagging us off on facebook telling the world and his wife what a tart i am and how much in debt we are and finding it very amusing!! also making personal comments that go a bit far at times.. we are only in debt cos we kept the lazy mare for 4 years while she fiddled income support now we handed her the house shes made for life.. for what? sitting on her backside for 30 years while my ex slogged to build that house up.. but hey.. doesnt it proove that its them with the problem that they are bitter and twisted? what doesnt kill you makes you stronger i guess x

Hi black shuck - welcome to wikivorce:)

black shuck wrote:

...she's slagging me on Facebook, presumably she doesn't know I can read her posts on there,

Why, oh why are you reading them? Have you not yet had enough of her antics? I've just read your first post and I would have thought that was enough. You appear to have a very coherent view of what she is like and capable of and that it doesn't 'fit' you. So move on.

recruiting support from her cronies who don't even know me about how she's just going to be nice to me to get what she wants

Honestly, do you care? These are people who, you say, don't know you. So, presumably, you don't know them either. You're going to drive yourself mad worrying about what complete strangers believe about you - and you have little or no control over it anyway - so move on.

....I do wonder what reality she lives in.

That says it all really... it isn't yours, right? So move on. Are you seeing the pattern yet?

...but having no idea what 'stuff' she wanted as she hadn't let me know, I feel no further forward.

Well, that's because you haven't 'moved on' yet...

You know, I think what gets to me the most is, having been paying to store this stuff for getting on for two years and receiving no contribution from her

Is it? If you're absolutely certain that this is what gets to you the most, then I would accept the reality that she is never going to change and go forward from there.

She has hurt you a great deal it would seem. You have my sympathy - I have been there. But, if you stay there - you are going to continue to hurt. Why would you do that to yourself? In your own words, she is manipulating, scheming, lying... and yet you are still allowing her to get to you.

I would have a long, hard think about why. What is it you want from her? Can you have it? What can you do about that? How do you feel when you look at her? Why are you still looking at her?

...she leaves me to pick up all the pieces.

What are the pieces that you are picking up?

If I never see the bitch again it would be too soon.

A lot of emotion in that comment - and perhaps this is the key to understanding where you are at right now.

I wish you well. As I said above, you have my sympathy. But sympathy alone is not productive - it allows us to wallow (that's not a criticism, I believe 'wallowing' has its place). But if you have decided it is time to move on - since you are going to have to do this at some point - I really would shift your focus. This isn't healthy for you

Shezi

Agrees with Shezi.. They want to wind you up and its working.. I dont look anymore we only did it to get ammunition to use in court but didnt need it... WE GOT RID OF HER FOREVER ON FRIDAY.. stay strong and remember your better than them so dont retaliate that is the best revenge x