I wish I didn't need to be here

Hi,

Like everybody else, I'm shocked and devastated.

I've been married for over 20 years. My wife has just walked out on me to be with the love of her life - her "best friend" (female).

She has been friends with this other woman for over 4 years. She has always gone into friendships with a gusto - over the top. The same happened here and she slowly started spending more and more time with her (she is married with 2 young children).

She went on holiday with her and her mum & sister for her 40th Birthday, and returned there again this year. However, half way through the holiday she phoned me to tell me she had been having an affair with her and had indulged in sexual contact with her on several occasions in the previous summer. She said they were bringing it to an end and wouldn't see each other again.

When she got back home 3 days later, we talked and agreed to try to start afresh. It was wonderful, it was like we had just met. It lasted about 2 weeks.

She got drunk and fell asleep on the couch with her phone in her hand. I sent her up to bed, and picked up the phone. She had been half way through a text saying she "was ready to make the great leap and take the plunge." She "not only loved her, but was in love with her" etc. etc.

I totally lost it, I stormed upstairs and threw the phone at her. I asked her to explain what the text meant - but she just acted dumb. I slapped her across the face and told her to get out - which she did.

Her friend came to pick her up and they were in the course of setting up home together, when the friend dumped her "because her children were too young". My wife came crying back to me. Me being dumb and totally in love with her took her back.

Again, things were fine for 4 weeks.

On Monday I went to my evening class - everything was hunky dory. At about 8.30 my son turned up, to tell me she was packing her bags and leaving me.

She has now set up home with her.

She done this in front of our 2 teenage children, never giving them a thought.

She did send me a text message to let me know our 20 year marriage was over - very thoughtful.

I am at the start of a long hard road. I find it helps to tell my story. And yes, I do feel sorry for myself. I have done everything in my power to please her. I loved her so much, but now I need to kill my feelings for her. I know it IS over for good. I could never have her back - even if she wanted to come back, which I can't see happeneing.

Her friend's husband has told me his wife said they were having a physical relationship for the past 2.5 years.

So, as I said at the start, I am in shock and devastated.

Hi smith

Very sorry to hear your story. You will find you get lots of help support and advice from the people here.

My wife went off with a man who I have since found is totally different from me - no responsibilties, he can't drive, doesn't own a house, but he makes her laugh and provides something different than what I could after 18 years of marriage. I was left in the marital home with a 15 and a 12 year old. It sounds like your situation has similarities. I don't know if it makes harder with the fact that the 3rd person is a woman.

It sounds to me like your wife is going through the famous mid life crisis (if you believe in them). I do believe in them having seen my wife of 18 years totally change when I turned 40!

It sounds like you have got the teenagers with you, and I expect they are as confused and shocked as you? Try to be there for them over the coming days and start looking forward and working out what you will do and don't look back (I know it is difficult!).

Try to do things to make you feel better, if you cook do a special meal for your and the kids, if not get out a DVD, have a competition on the Wii etc. Just generally try and give them some stability and let them know you are there for them

All the best

S

Smithp,

It's a place where none of us really wanted to be, but you are welcome here.

I can understand all your reasons for taking your W back and then again. I know that you are hurt and feel the need to 'kill your feelings' for your W. Please don't try and rush this though, grieving over a loss (your marriage) is a process and there are clearly defined stages. (See Kubler-Ross) If you try to speed through them, the whole scenario changes and you may get stuck in one area. Things will change over time and the feelings you have now will also change.

I am 9 months into a seperation and believe that my W is fairly close to doing what yours has already. (Something about self discovery or other crap like that!) I was distraught at first, then gradually got over things and now the only feelings I have for my W are as the mother of my 2 boys. I can't tell you when I changed as there was no defining moment, but it happened and it WILL happen to you.

You need to make sure that you look after yourself and get out and about doing things for YOU. Look after your children as they will be confused and upset as well. They may put a brave face on, but that will be for your benefit. You need to try and do the same for them.

My cousin had his W leave him about 18 months ago for another woman (what IS it with all this sexuality changing???) and he is now happier than ever. His Ex W is quite miserable though.

They think that they can escape their feelings of confusion and lonliness by running away from everything they know. What they don't consider though, is that they take all their feelings with them and without familiarity around them, they quite often are more unhappy. You try explaining THAT one to them though!!!

Take Care

It may seem strange, but it doesn't matter that it is a woman she has betrayed me with - it is the lies, deceit and betrayal that hurts.

In some ways, it being a woman makes it easier, because I know I can't give her what a woman can. If it was a man, I would be trying to see where I was lacking against him, why she thought he was better than me, if you can get my drift.

Get your drift - I felt the same as the guy my wife left me for was nothing like me and offered something different.

You are right on the lack of trust, if you try to reconcile the lack of trust will just eat you up and it will be very difficult.

All the best

S

Totally agree with you there smithp. I know my W would NEVER believe me when I told her it was the deceit and lies that hurt most. In fact, she is still carrying on with those now, even though we haven't had direct contact for over 3 months...she is telling my boys things that I KNOW aren't true. She thinks they are though, she is SO different now.

Where I am with this now is that I know the truth, I have dealt with it and come out of the other side. The longer she lives in a lie, the more it will hurrt her in the future. I have stopped letting anything she does or says affect me at all. I have a tiny place in my heart for her, as we were together for 26 years, but the rest is just a distant memory.

Stay together with your children support each other and you will get better over time. It's a horrible thing to go through, some say worse than death as you are reminded that you are no longer cared for whereas with a death, you can grieve knowing that they loved you until their last breath. But, humans are survivors and you will make it. You will also be stronger, wiser and happier. There are many on here that are a testiment to that.

Take Care

Wow, what you say really hits home. Especially the part about being worse than death. That's exactly what I have said to family and I (naively) thought I was the only one who thought of it like that.

Your situation sounds so much like what I am going through.

I am trying to convince myself that I don't love her anymore - I need to believe that in order to continue, but I know deep down that I do love her, and I am finding it a struggle. It's only early days yet though(5 to be exact).

Thanks for the advice and kind words, they help - a lot.