first post - Hello!

Well, it seems that I'm in an early stage compared to most here. I'm in the "spouse is about to ask for a separation" phase. Here goes.

11 days ago my wife of 9 1/2 years told me she can't go on. We have no bond, no connection. She has no desire or affection or feelings for me and doubts she ever did. She is tired of pretending and wants to move on to look for that relationship that will fulfill and inspire her. Our four kids, she says, were brought along to fill a void between us.

She was willing to talk openly and hionestly for the first few days, but has gradually completely shut down to me. Her heart is frozen and she's just a brick wall. At this point, she can't even look at me and have the simplest conversation. There's no abuse, abandonment, addiction or adultery. Just this lack of a connection.

I will admit that the passion has pretty much been at zero for a long while. But the reasons are clear. We never worked on the marriage. I felt that at this point our job was the kids--we'd have time for us later. Clearly we were in love and committed, right? Moreover, I saw how hard she worked keeping the family and house running and didn't want to add my needs to the list. So obviously wrong in retrospect. For her part I think she feels like she knew it was not there early on, but she just barrelled through because that was what was expected of her. We agree that we both had a part in this. There were complaints over the years, but neither of us said "Stop a minute--we need to work on this or it will go away."

I have been going along thinking things were not great but OK. It seems that in the last few weeks to months she has been stewing this around in her head and has worked herself into such a hopeless and negative state that she has no energy left. She can see no good, and is particularly adept at ignoring all we have going for us. The big difference clearly is that this is still a shock to me but she's had ample time to process it. So I'm a mess but she seems completely flat emotionally.

The way I left it is that I would not meet her halfway. I would not cave in and agree to break up because she's unhappy. I told her I would fight for all we have built, our kids, our vows, to justify the support of our friends and family and make up for the poor execution of our first decade together. Clearly, we are at an impasse.

I'm wondering who's more naive, her for thinking the grass is greener on the other side, or me for thining we can pull this out of the crapper and make it work. I worry that I should be preparing myself and convincing myself that it's over rather than deluding myself into thinking we have a chance. But for now, the rightness of my stand is comforting me.

It must be awful to hear these things out-of-the-blue, but to be honest it also takes a lot of courage to be the one to end a marriage. She has probably spent months working up the courage to tell you she wants out and has probably anticipated that you will not make it easy for her. I'm guessing her coldness is a way of protecting herself. She may feel that if talks things through you will persuade her to stay and she may feel a little trapped. If you keep presurising her to talk about what went wrong, with a view to making things better she may resort to coming up with all sorts of things that you did 'wrong' and completely destroy you and your view of what the marriage was like, in order to make you realise that she is determined the marriage is at an end.
I would give her some emotional space. Don't keep trying to talk things over, just carry on with life as normal and let her initiate conversations about splitting up. It may be that once the presure is off she will be able to relax and start to appreciate what the two of you have together and the effect a split would have on the kids. I always think of the saying 'if you love someone let them go. If they love you they'll come back again!'
Of course i could be way off the mark here and I am projecting how I would feel, so feel free to ignore my advice!!!!

I agree.. Sit tight and dont pressure her. She might have to leave you to realise what she has got at home. Pressuring her will just add fuel to the fire. I truly believe that romance can be rekindled but unfortunately it needs 2 people to work at it. Its so easy to get into a rut, most people probably do at some time in their marriage and its unfortunate it takes something like this for us to realise that maybe if we had acted sooner, this may not have happened, but it has. She sounds like she has so much to lose, so I hope she thinks really hard before making any rash decisions. Whatever the outcome, try and stay strong and find support from your family and friends. I wish you all the very best.

I have decided that I should give her space and time. This is very difficult for me because 1) I am a "fixer" who wants to get right to work ona problem and get it done, and 2) what little social circle I have goes through her.

She is away with the kids this weekend visiting family. I was supposed to go as well, but told her to go and have a good visit without me. I have been thinking that I ought to get out of the way for a while. Not move out, but just make myself scarce. Make sure I'm not here when she's here. Maybe spend the night with a neighbor rather then here. Do you think this would be a good move or should I stick around and make it like business as usual, just drop the heavy relationship talk?

Don't move out if you want to reconcile. Just give her space in the home.

Invite her to counselling and say you will get individual counselling to work on any issues you have- this way you are letting her know that if you reunite as a couple your future can be different together..

Stay hopeful and FIGHT all the way if you want her still.

Thanks for the advice. Let me throw another wrinkle...I am dealing with the possibility that there's another dude involved. If I come upon evidence, how does that change things? I think that she has a single male friend with whom she's becoming closer and closer. I don't think it has progressed to anything physical and I'm not sure if this guy is a shark in the water or completely innocent. But I'm working on it. If I find out that there's nothing going on, but maybe she's developing a "crush" or something, what should I do? Given her withdrawan state, I dont think confronting her is going to lead tyo a positive outcome. But clearly this friendship is not healthy for her or our relationship right now.

My gut feeling is that confronting her about this other bloke will only push her away. I tend to think that you should not move out but keep a low profile so as to give her space. I would make it clear that you don't want to lose her and that you are there for her whenever she wants to talk, but you won't put any presure on her. Going to Relate sounds a good idea and it is perfectly reasonable to ask her not to end the relationship without trying counselling first. At the end of the day if she is determined that the marriage is over then you will have to accept it. But at least you will know you have tried everything to keep the family together.