Hello Happe Here

Rosie91 wrote:

I did a similar thing, moved out with the kids and moved in with family into cramped conditions with none of our personal items, just one bag each.

A week later I woke up and thought what the heck, drove home and told him we were moving back in.

He had spent the whole week partying and having HER in my home!
Well I stopped his partying, he spent the next week finding himself a new place and moved out, oh he was angry, he turned into a victim, his family sided with him and have fully supported his every move since that date but...

It was the best decision I had made.
The day I moved back home was the day I took control of my life back, first time in 20 years.

It gets better, you will get stronger, it takes time but it's great when you get there. I'm poorer but wiser and happy.

I did seriously consider moving back home and my solicitor asked if it was an option id consider. Ive spoken to the kids about it, at their ages they do need to have a say in these things. They dont want to go back, said the atmosphere there was never good and they prefer our tiny new place. If it comes to it legally i will but just really want it sold so i can have my share and move away from this dreadful town. My aim is christmas. I may be living in dream land to think it can be sorted by then but i need a focus. Am already applying for jobs in the town i want to go to. im already happier than i have been in years

Hello Happe

I'm sorry you're going through such a horrid time but your last post stated you were happier than you had been in years....well done! You need to move forward and like you said, give yourself a goal. My goal is Christmas too! I would like to be out of this sad state of mind I'm in by then...not be the victim anymore.

I wish you well, keep posting and come into chat, it's fun but also a very very supportive place.

big hugs, oddsocks X

Hi Happe

You seem to have moved considerably since your first post. I agree it takes time to come to terms with things that hurt us but the advantage you have is that you have others to focus on. When I first divorced, I honestly think I might have struggled to get out of bed each day - I didn't want to face the world. However, I had 2 young children (much younger than yours) so I put 'me' on the back burner' for a while and just focused on managing the children and keeping things ticking over on a daily basis. Within 6 months I suddenly realised I actually liked my life - and I mean suddenly. It simply occurred to me one day. I had become focused on a routine and had stopped focusing on my feelings. Of course it's hard in the meantime and, since your children are older, they will be more aware - but the principle is the same.

If you focus on making them less miserable about the situation ('happy' might be a tall order just now), that will become your routine. You can blog/post your thoughts and feelings here so you have an outlet but, essentially, your children will simply see you coping. That's good for them. You have no control whatever over how your stbx behaves.

I liked Rosie's post However happe, I did what you did: moved out of the house and rented somewhere - he wouldn't move and I didn't have the mental energy for an occupational order. If you really feel you can't face moving in and the children are more settled where you are - then follow your instincts. It's your situation to manage, so do what you are most comfortable with... within reason

Good luck

Shezi

Had a bit of a situation tonight. Earlier today me and kids went round to MH to pick up mail, games etc. Still have keys, always go when i know him and her are not about. Have no desire to see or speak to either of them at the moment. At 10.30 tonight my phone starts ringing, see its him calling, know they have spent the day in the pub and so decided not to answer. She then text saying she needed to speak so i answered the next call incase he'd been hurt or something. She accused me of nicking £70 of hers from the house:angry: Never in a million years would i do that, so told her she was talking rubbish, she started shouting so did i so i put the phone down. next thing i know both of them are outside my house shouting through the letter box. Eventually i went out and told them to go away, he was his usual nasty self, she thinks i want him back and he is really angry cos he got his first letter from my solicitor on Thursday. He thinks i should let him have the MH, was shouting hatred at me. all in front of the kids and the neighbours. Im livid, upset and so so sad we have been reduced to this.

Hi Happe

That's not a good situation You were sounding so positive earlier too.

This pattern is likely to continue until one of you breaks the cycle. It's unlikely that he will (and he has her to support him) so it will probably have to be you.

Going to the house when you know he won't be around is a good move. Ideally, you would be able to let him know that you are going - so that it's all in the open. But I can see why you might not feel able to do that.

Answering her call, under the circumstances, seems sensible - it could have been an emergency. But that's where it should end. The minute you knew what she wanted, I would have ended the call. 10.30pm at night is unreasonable. If they have an issue with you now, they should address it in a reasonable fashion.

If they arrive at your house and become abusive it should be a matter for the police, however uncomfortable you may feel about doing so. It's always a difficult situation when the police become involved in situations like this because he is the father of your children. However, these situations are not the norm and if you feel threatened then that becomes an emergency and needs to be managed as such. I once had a very similar situation with my ex, at my parents house. We called the police to deal with it because we couldn't manage him. I then had the option of pressing charges, I chose not to. At least, though, the incident was managed and logged.

To become embroiled in their agenda is always a mistake, I feel. You cannot win it because you don't know what the agenda is - and they will probably keep moving the goalposts. I wouldn't engage. If it's by phone - end the call. If it's at your house and they won't go away - call the police.

It's bad enough that the children see their father in this light. Let them at least see that their mother can manage it. You know you can do it happe, you just have to keep your head.

Best of luck

Shezi

Thanks Shezi. Havent slept at all and am sitting here crying. I have no one around me to call, my mum is dead, my dad has dementia and is in a care home and my brother is next to useless. All the people i know around here are his friends and though they may not like her or the situation are still are happy to socialise with them while im sitting home alone with my kids. Just really need someone on my side. I am going to get this logged with the police and will let my solicitor know on Tuesday.Im so hurt that he thinks id steal money from there. I spent half my life with this man, how could he think that?And how dare they come to my door, which isnt the MH causing a scene. He was shouting at me in end saying "why cant you just leave me alone" I have left them alone, i havent seen him in weeks, i dont phone or text unless its in answer to one of his, i havent slagged them off to his mates, i havent caused a scene anywhere. all ive done is got on with building a new life and filed for divorce. Cant get over the hatred in his face.

Happe

I hope you are feeling a bit better now. This negativity is just a blip - you are sorting out what you can sort out and being stable for your children. You are looking for jobs and have an idea where you want to go eventually.

That's fine. You will get back on track.

What is difficult is someone who you lived with for a long time behaving in a way you don't recognise. He still has the power to hurt you if you let him. But once you get past the upset and anger you will feel indifferent. Took me about 8 months.

I think if he comes round again you should call the police. He will soon realise that its a futile exercise. He is probably reacting because you appear to be moving on and he doesn't feel in control of the situation. Plus he has got the other woman to influence him.

I did find it very hurtful that when my ex and I separated I thought we were both in the same place emotionally - sad that our relationship had come to an end, but agreed that separation was the best thing in the circumstances.
Turns out he already found someone else. So while I was going through a long period of grieving he already had some home comforts.

I was at home with our angry uncommunicative teenage boys. He was in her house with her two younger (and easier to manage) children. They went to their father every other weekend so my ex and his ow had a weekend of theatres and parties.

It seemed grossly unfair.

But now I look at it differently. My sons love me. Yes they are growing up and away, but we do have fun times together now and then. My ex sees them once a week to play football. They think he's a twerp but enjoy the footie. They don't talk to him.

I have the bedroom to myself. I can watch any programme I like on iplayer on my laptop. I can chat to Wikipeeps whenever I want. I have built up a social life with friends old and new. I don't have to worry about what he is having for dinner or wash his rugby kit.

I eat what I want, when I want. I feel happy.

He, on the other hand, only sees our sons once a week for about an hour and a half. He is struggling with ow's son who has anger problems. He is sharing a smaller bedroom than the one he had here. Most of his friends now are ones he has met through her. When our sons have left home I can choose to live wherever I want. He will be stuck with her and her two children, who will turn into teenagers when he is becoming an oap. I think i will have the last laugh!