Just managing to keep going

Hello

after 16 years of marriage my wife gave up her job and returned home to her parents leaving me and four boys to manage in a new town. I work full time and travel nearly an hour each way to work. I don't know anyone here and by 9 O'clock I'm shattered.

The boys are ok now, settled at school,and we almost have a routine; I find myself getting angry when she calls the children and talks about her social life. Occasionally she visits them and takes them out for a pizza or day trip; I'm unable to do either as I don't have the money, I'm too tired and don't have the actual time available to me; people say make the time but it's not that easy to.

I'm now about to apply for a divorce and feel a bit worried about the mortgage and where i stand as it's in both names and I don't know if i can afford it alone but it's the right thing to do as I can't keep this up for much longer; working, parenting etc. etc. I think I will have to change job and house too but I'm not sure when I will have the energy to think about it all.

Despite feeling angry at my wife for what seems to me her selfishness and leaving me to cope alone I feel sorry for her as she no longer has a family to support her; she took us for granted. We will never get back together again, we grew apart years ago and in a way I'm relieved she's gone as i don't have to tolerate her any longer.

I hope a divorce will help me move on and it's good to know there are other people out there supporting each other.

what a wonderful man you must be, to have taken over the responsiblity of bringing up 4 boys alone. Unfortunately, the tiredness, frustration and emotions you mention are those of single parents everywhere and to which no easy solution can be found.

Your fears around divorce, being able to afford to continue in your current home etc are all normal and for some people, become a reality. Why not post your details in the finance forum and someone with good experience in this area will be able to give you an opinion as to the likely outcome? That would be a good starting point for you and at least gives you an idea.

I am at the start of divorce proceedings and unfortunately, my stbx is not going to make it easy. Hopefully, you will have more luck! Everyone on wiki is friendly and helpful and if you pop in to chat, there will always be someone there ready to listen. I hope all goes well for you, you and your boys certainly deserve it. xxxx

Sounds like your situation is very good on the one hand but then very bad on the other.

On the positive side you have your boys and are clearly doing a great job with them in a very difficult situation. Most boys don't communicate their feelings but I am sure yours will recognise what a great dad you are being!!

On the negative side you have money worries and time pressure, and are feeling very tired. On the money side try to make sure you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to. Is she paying you child maintenance? If not ask her to, or got to the CSA. On the time pressures and feeling tired, could you get the boys to help a bit around the house to give you a bit more time. Is there anyone you know that could babysit for a couple of hours so you could pop out and do something for you? A trip to the cinema is not that expensive and maybe some time just for you will make you feel better.

Take care

S

Fridage,

Have you ensured that the Child Benefit books are in your name as the main carer? If not - contact the Child Benefit Enquiry Line - 0845 302 1444 and let them know of your circumstances.

Have you notified the Tax Credit office? 0845 300 3900, ensure they are aware of all your new circumstances as a single parent with main childcare responsibilities.

Depending on income and if working over 16 hours a week - you should be entitled to working tax credits as well as Child Tax Credits - do this sooner rather than later mate.

As itgetsbetter stated - record your situation with the CSA, you are the parent with care and the NRP (Non Resident Parent), if woking, and barring any major issues, will be assessed as having a requirement to pay maintenance.

Do you have any friends that could look after the children just for a night - to give you what is obviously a well earned and well deserved night off. You will be amazed at how much one night will help you.

I hope this helps and keep your chin up mate. You are doing a great job.

Peeps on here will do what they can to offer advice and support.

Feel free to PM if you need to chat.

thanks for you supportive comments

fridage,

I take my hat off to you (and to every other single parent wikipeep) - it isn't easy but you are doing your best for the children. Wikipeeps can help you re the financial settlement ... if you can give us this info.

Ages

Length of marriage (+ cohabit)

Incomes

Children - ages and genders

Arrangements for children: nights with H with W

Value of FMH

Size of FMH

Outstanding mortgage on FMH

Value of other assets - inc Pensions, savings, endowments, antiques etc - in sole or joint names

Any liabilities - debts, loans etc.

An estimate of income needs is also helpful.

Hadenoughnow

children: 15, 14, 12, 12 all live with me she has moved area
16 yrs marriage
Home 230K 4 beds
170k Mortgage
no assets, my pension local authority don't know value
no loans. she doesn't work I earn 35K