Deceit over years just found out

My wife and I have been married since 2001 and I have a step daughter who is 15 and a son who is 6 years old, she has always been very secretive about her finances which has always worried me but as she was only responsible for the food and kids clothes etc didn't feel it was that important, I bought my house in '97 and she moved in with me in 2001. Saturday morning when she was out I opened a letter by mistake it was one of her bank statemnets and showed a DD going out for £198 pm for a personal loan which was very od because that would mean a loan of some £7k or more why hadn't she said anything and we didn't buy anything because that was always my dept. it was then I looked for her other financial records and eventually found them and another bank account with another DD for yet another personal loan and found the loan documents taken out back in 2005 and a statement for an ISA fund she had opened back in 2004/5 which was worth £16,100 at 2007 !! We have had a rough marriage since the begining she is a violent partner who lashes out whenever she gets depressed or frustrated and has been the case up until last summer when I walked out and said no more even though it killed me to leave my son but she managed to persuade me to come back and now I find this out, she has been using me as a cash cow to milk from day one and wonder what her intentions are now, if we seperate she will insist on staying at the house until at least my son is 18 and all debts credit cards are all in my name which I'm sure I'll be allowed to keep!! the only thing I'm sure so feel well and truly used and feel such an idiot, I'm now thinking of finding a solicitor to see what my options are I don't want her to get everything and I end up bankrupt by someone who has been planning this for years !!

Hi hjf2y16.
My wife was always the same, I never knew what she earn't or had in her different bank accounts and in all honesty it never bothered me, blind trust, only now I realize that this money has been squirreled away for her alone, and of-course, she now denies that this money exists at all. These savings have been accrued over many years, yet never mentioned and thinking about it, I have never seen any of her bank statements either. Only after she left, did I have any idea as to their existence and the amounts. I think it says something about the type of people they are and makes you wonder what their intentions have been.
I am sorry I can't provide you with any constructive advice, only my musings on how similar many situations are, that said, If you want to divorce her I would definitely seek advice, on the other hand if you decide to try to make a go of things, she will need to come clean about all her issues as to why she feels the need to be so secretive.
Best wishes. Mickwil.

Thanks for that !! but will try and seek advice from CAB either today or tomorrow, I don't want to leave my home and leave the responsibility of paying the mortgage to her as it is in my name only as well as the house deeds, I am worried that she'll pile up more debts in my name and then leave with her little pot of cash and start afresh with the next gullible idiot.

unfortunately, so many people seem capable of this kind of behaviour and it is very distressing for those of us who find out at the last possible moment.

With a practical head on, why not take the bank statements you now have and photcopy them and keep those photocopies in a safe place (preferably with a trusted friend, out of the house). If you end up going down the divorce route, at the point you get to sorting finances, she may well try and pretend these accounts don't exist. A copy today shows that they at least did exist and how much was in them on a given date. This is very sneaky, I admit (and the legal people on here may have something to say about it - I will be interested to hear their views) but at least gives you the sense of doing something and protecting yourself - something I should have done at a much earlier stage.

I wouldn't leave your home, particularly as it is in your name and you have clearly been meeting the payments. However, she will have a claim on it as you have been married quite a while so it will be worth discussing this with a solicitor and/or the CAB.

Take care of yourself in all this. You may have a difficult journey over the coming months.

Thanks - I still find myself trying to find excuses for her, being insecure etc etc but to do it for at least 5 years and to consistantly lie about why she never has any money to cover kids shoes and spectacles etc etc which with £1400 pm net coming in to her accounts I always found very odd, but she is a violent person and when confronted or questioned about any of her actions or personal purchases such as her horses etc etc she would shout and become aggresive so it's easier to accept everything for an easy life. For more information I am a qualified karate instructor and never retaliated to any of her attacks and even when the police came to the house after one of her phychotic episodes I answered the door and after seeing my sctrathed face and black eye they asked if I was ok which I answered yes they then came inside to ask my wife if she was fine and they noticed a bruise on the inside of her arm where I had managed to block one of her punches they then wanted to take me in to custody to charge with domestic violence !!! talk about the law being on the females side either in divorce or in areas described above I don't feel I can come out of this with a fair outcome through experiences I've had to date with the 'system' in this country.

In any future confrontations when she becomes violent, make sure you are the one to call the police and insist on pressing charges.
Regards, Mickwil

PS I think, you could then apply for a restraining order and she would have to find somewhere else to live.