Is anyone else this hateful?

Know what? It doesn't get better. I made a vow, till death do us part I meant it. I've been over this and over this, all I can think of is Someone has to die. I hope it's not me. I want them both to die. I want to watch the life drain from their bodies and I want them to know I DID IT! I gave this man 32 years of my life, since I was 15 years old. I have nothing left and no one to turn to. That's ok I don't need anyone, My anger seems to be filling my thoughts pretty well. I am absolutely devastated. Lost. Time doesn't seem to fill up this dark hole I've found myself in. Time doesn't heal this pain. I love this man. I want to hate him, I want to move on, but I can't. He still takes my breath away and I don't know how to stop feeling this way. I've made mistakes in my life, as far as work and finances, I've done things I am not proud of. But I would NEVER EVER put this part of who I am in jeopardy. You KNOW that you are in his heart and he won't hurt you, he's got your back There is no question, until the bottom falls out. Someday, they will get what they deserve. And if I am lucky enough or smart enough I will be standing on the sideline clapping at the irony of it all and thanking God for making the world right again....I pray to Him and His Son, send the two of them to hell to burn for eternity with no hope. Because that's where I am, without hope.

I understand totally what you are feeling. Been there myself a few years ago. We did eventually get back together but my trust and more importantly respect had gone. we muddled through for another 10 years until very recently I left. He within a week had someone else in my bed that i bought in the house i still pay bills for. Hate isnt a strong enough word. BUT all the anger and bitterness you feel doesnt actually harm the person it is aimed at, it only hurts you. I remember laying in bed squeezing my head in my hands to try to force the bad thoughts out. I was destroying myself. This time round is so different, maybe because id already made the choice to leave. It still hurts and I still cry but i know im the better person and me and my kids will get through all the crap. And we will be all the stronger for it. Believe in Karma, theyll get theirs.

I am sorry that you feel so angry and upset. It just can't be expressed adequately with words can it? The emotions are somewhere beyond description and yet what you wrote brought tears to my eyes.

How long ago did this happen? For myself it has been two years and 5 months since my husband asked for a divorce and I remember the rage, the swearing and the gut-wrenching fear and despair and that was just from me. We are almost divorced now; just waiting for the Consent Order and then we should be free but it isn't that simple is it because like you, I love him still and like him as well. He had been unfaithful before around the 11 yr point in our marriage and I know now that he had also been unfaithful in 2006, and this year we should be celebrating our 25th anniversary.

I hated being so angry and I recognised it went hand-in-hand with fear. I realised that if I allowed it to consume me, it would eventually destroy me. The thing about my marriage was that I had married a Christian (I was one as well) and he is an ordained priest in the Church of England. It felt such a mockery of what I believed and the man I had trusted.

Several truisms/platitudes helped me change my perspective:-

1. There are loads of other men/women in this situation - if they can get through it then so can I.

2. We are all frail and broken in some way inside and we all make errors of judgement - it doesn't mean we are bad people.

3. This isn't the worst thing that has/can happen to me.

4. Acceptance and forgiveness will allow me some peace in my life.

5. Giving myself permission to cry and not to condemn myself when I have some truly awful days where the kids have to make their own dinner and the house looks as if we have been burgled.

6. Accept that sometimes I feel broken-hearted and it is ok.

Be kind to yourself and don't give up hope.

Lots of hugs

mstar20 xxxx

i'm not but my husband is of me and the children and he's the one that wanted the divorce, he wanted his own life back after 25 years,and hates us all for it, i don't understand can you help explain because you seem to feel the way he does, theirs no one else involved on my side x

I will explain something to you. In my case, I gave this man my youth, my body, his children, my soul. In return I get lies, pain, a hole in my back and alone. He says he doesn't want this either, but what choice do I have? Can I ever look in his eyes and KNOW that he's true to me? I don't think so. He having a relationship with another woman is the one source of insecurity that I have feared since I was a young bride, and he knew that. I trusted him with everything that is me and he spit on it. The feeling of betrayal is beyond words. Yes,I love him and he knows it. But he also knows that he f****ed up more than just this one time,even tho he swears it was the only time (but how can you really believe him?) He has put doubt on everything I thought was real. So, there you have it. I don't think this is the same situation as you. You have no one else..does he? I don't know what men are thinking and I won't pretend to tell you I know what your man is thinking. Sounds like he had it all and a mid life crisis took over rational thinking (or he has a brain tumor). Your poor children have nothing to do with how he feels about his life, ITS their lives he should be thinking of. They have their whole life ahead of them to muddle through, they don't need his failure pushed on them. Protect them from his toxic thinking if you can. In my opinion, these men are weak, they say one thing but aren't strong enough to follow through. Tell him to be a man strap on his balls and take what he asked for. You are gone, he has his freedom what else does he want? WHAT GIVES HIM THE RIGHT TO BE ANGRY? Sorry, there goes that anger again...........

Hi, Thank you for responding to me. I was so ugly I didn't really expect anyone to reply. There are days when I go hours without breaking but something always pops in my obsessed head to make me start bawling. My eyes are ever ready to spout the water lately. I just called our daughter to tell her why I haven't asked for the grandkids in a few weeks. She is so sweet, asking if there was anything she could do. I didn't go into details just that we were having some problems. That was hard. I have to admit failure and he says I wasn't as attentive as he needed. 27 years of beck and call and 6 months of bowing out kinda and he can't handle it? Pathetic.The whole story is that in 2006 my oldest brother had a fatal heart attack out of the blue, my baby brother od on drugs, my father died of heart failure and my faithful dog of 14 years died of heart failure in my arms as well. So I told my stbx that I couldn't handle this anymore please please take care of me I need to just check out for a while I have to go get some antidepressants and anti anxiety meds and I just need to relax and focus on getting me through this. I never physically left home, I just backed off the caretaking. Can I trust you to not give up on us and take care of us till I can? Of course he could He promised my father b4 he died that he would always take care of his little girl and my father died peacefully believing this. I stepped back and heaved some responsibility on my husband (paying bills, buying food cooking doing dishes some laundry) most men do some of these things but he never had to. In April of last year he told me I needed to get a job (I got laid off from a physician's office as office manager in Feb.07 and never called back) So I got a job cleaning 3rd shift. he worked second shift. that was ok, we made it through that then he just quit his job and we lived on my check and his retirement money for a year and then he got the best job he has ever had. He loves it. Good money for little work. As soon as he was hired he sorta changed. Cared more about how he looked and was trying to become more independent I attributed it to trying to make an impression at the new job. Which worked well b/c I was needing that then. In April of this year I looked at the cell bill and he had like 12 calls to a number I didn't know so I found out it was a girl from his new job. Shes 30 hes 50. she says he was a father figure, he says he's never been a father figure to anyone hello you have 2 daughters what an ass. I didn't tell him that she said that I didn't want to hurt his feelings.Anyway shes married so she denies he denies b/c of me cuz I cry alot I think. Either way they both erased the calls from their phones so they wouldn't be detected so they knew whatever it was, it was wrong and they didn't want to get caught. Her husband believes her. I don't. I don't know what's real anymore. I wanted so badly to be able to convince myself they were telling the truth, but I just don't you know how you get a feeling? You kinda know? I just don't understand why do it if you don't plan on follow through? Anyway that's my sorryass story. I'm sorry for you having to read through all this but I do feel better telling someone. I don't have any friends. Nobody knows but you guys and now my daughter. Are you still crying because you would like him back or mourning what was? Wow reading this over it really is a pity party night! Again, I apologize if I have offended you. I didn't mean to at all. Just needed to tell the story I guess. Thank you so much for letting me. Take care and write me please.

Hi KorkieKd,

I have just read your recent post and I have to tell you that you are an incredibly brave human being and you are definitely not an ugly one... There has been so much pain in such a short time - no wonder you are furious,and hurting so badly.

I agree with you totally that men can be so utterly selfish and are only interested in putting their own needs first. My husband and I are still friends even although he is now with the person he had an affair with when we had been married 11 years or so. She was one of our parishioners and we brought her into our home because her husband had been unfaithful to her and she became my best friend. I remember thinking at the time, how could a woman who had been betrayed, do this to another woman. I was naive enough then to believe that women should have a code of honour. I forgave them both and she ended up marrying a Church of England priest (they are divorced now.) I think the one thing which has totally sustained me through all this is that I don't feel any guilt on my part for what he has done. He has thought only about himself and I believe he will have some explaining to do to the man upstairs as to why he broke his vows and compromised his Christian beliefs.

I have three children R (boy) 19 yrs, B (girl 18 yrs) and A (girl 11 years) and we are now living in private rented accommodation - we had to leave our tied accommodation when we separated. I work 16 hours a week as a care assistant in an outpatients department and I think having the children at home and having to go out to work has kept me from going under. I am also in debt but hope to be free of it in 18 months time. I remember when this all first happened, I would drive to work absolutely howling and then I would get out of the car, brush myself down and go and do my job. At the beginning, I could only cope with getting through the next 24 hours - now it is about getting through the next week.

You say you have no friends - why is that? You sound to me as if you would be a great friend to have. Perhaps you feel as if you don't deserve friends but you do. Don't give up on yourself. You are the first person I have ever written to on this website because what you wrote really touched me and you have an excellent way of expressing yourself. I meet up with my only real friend once a week and we have coffee and a cheap lunch and share what is happening in our lives. It helps and I hope someone will come along with whom you can get together with. At work, there are so many of us who are single parents and we don't really get much of a chance to chat but a kind word and a gentle touch does help. It is all about taking little steps and being kind to yourself.

Take care of yourself.

Love and hugs

m'star

"Trouble is part of your life and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you, the chance to love you enough."