What should I do?

We've been together for 15 years, married for five, second time round for both. He is 50 and I am 61. This time last year, his job was "deleted" and he has been on "gardening leave" for a year, and not able to apply for anything outside. He has now given in his notice, so he can, and is looking for work. I work full time, and he has been home on his own.
I knew he had started playing "Second Life", and thought nothing of it, since his first one wasn't too good! I found after a while that he had developed a very strong relationship with someone on this, and was sending very sexy texts and emails to her. I said nothing, because I saw it as a desperate attempt still to "be someone". (meanwhile, our sex life has totally ceased - not my doing!) Then I found out that he had seen her, at least once, and spent the night with her. I faced him up, he was terribly sorry and promised he would make it up to me.
I now find he is still in contact. The last batch of texts I saw was from her on holiday in Paris (where we went for our honeymoon) saying how much she loves the Louvre (our favourite place) and how she misses him. If their relationship is by text and email still, why would she miss him when she is in Paris?
I have said nothing. If I bring all this out in the open, it might cause events to spiral out of control and I don't want to face that. I think he knows that something is wrong, because he veers between "lovey-dovey" and snappy and badtempered. I am not sleeping and am becoming ill. I love him very much and would like things to get back to normal, but I don't think I shall ever trust him as he lies very easily.

Hi Mary, not much use I'm afraid, but i 'lost' my Husband to an online relationship, i thought it was ok, she had a partner, lived in another country, what did i have to worry about if he was speaking to her online, but in the end he just had to go & see if the grass was greener, being a fool i took him back when he found out it wasn't, but even he admitted i couldn't trust him, the internet is great, but online stuff, making new 'friends' is bad, you dont want to be suspicious every time he uses a computer, you will still love him cause it wasn't you that started it all.

Sorry, that is probably no help at all,
Mrsunhappy xx

Thank you, Mrs Unhappy, that is a help - even though it didn't work for you (I am sorry). But one of my major problems is that I feel so isolated, I have friends, but they all know him, and I don't want them to judge him (that's my job..!) as I do feel very sorry for him. I also have no family, except my three sons by my first marriage, and they would kill him if they found out about this! I went to Relate, which was something of a help, but it is rather expensive, and this amount coming out of a joint account would be noticed and asked about (not that he is mean, he isn't, but he would still ask). But hearing from someone who also had this happen to them, does make me feel less alone in the world!

Hi MT. I think you know what you have to do. I cant tell you. Becuase thats wrong and its not clear cut as that. I can try and help you make yr decision:

A) You let this continue. He has his on line affair. This is what it is realy. He will escalate this into a full on affair. Maybe not with this person but with someone. Once we cross the line into being unfaithful. Its just a hop and a jump into the real thing. And you will lose.

You put a stop to this. And help him back to normality. He needs to be engaged in life. And my guess is that means work. Most of us need to make a difference. And that can only usualy be some kind of work. So maybe this is the answer.

On line relationships are virtual only in the sense that the people are miles apart. But we dont exist in a virtual world. We live in a real one with bills and Dot from Eastenders. Often these online versions make it into real ones. And thats actualy the point of it all.

You have a big investment in time together and maybe its worth trying to save. But thats upto you. But the choice is yours. C.

Thank you, that is very sensible advice, and I know you are right. However, I have bottled it before and will no doubt do it again.
You see, with the age difference between us I knew that this was bound to happen sooner or later - I think that I could deal with physical affairs; this started with erotic exchanges (ok, so he doesn't fancy me any more, can't blame him for that) but this one has been going on a long time, and now seems to be on a much more personal basis - talking about art and culture which we both love. I suppose if she had the physical side of things, even in a virtual world, I could just about cope, but now she is taking his brain as well - I didn't see that coming!

How wrong you are about age. It matters when we are young. It matters less when we get to middle age. I was 10 years older than my ex. This was nothing to do with her kicking the crap out of me or cheating on me. Its common to have someone younger or older than you. You know this. So stop making excuses.

How do you know he dont find you attractive? Can you unzip his head and peep inside? Ummm nope. Funny things happen to men when they lose a purpose in life. They dont feel enagaged. They are not cutting a deal or making something happen or making something work. Men are born to provide. Women to nest. So when a man looses his reason for existance odd things happen. They start to drink or gamble or watch Richard and Judy. Or start a new life on some stupid game whos whole existance prays on people that are not wise enough to get a real life. Not a virtual one and of course make money.

You cant put up with erotic messages to other women. This is a slipery slope.

Many come on here and say I wish I had been firmer. I wish I had stuck up for myself more. Thats the thing. You have to stick up whats right for you. Turn this around. Would he put up with this if this was you doing this?

I know its a risk. You could force him into the arms of another. But whats the alternative? You may lose him anyway if you let this continue.

Of course you have choices. It has to be yr choice. But chose a better life everytime. This is your life. Not a read thru. A choice for a better life always turns out good in the end. Living a lie always turns out bad. Its Karma at work. C.

Sorry, thanks, but you miss the point completely. I am not using our age difference as an excuse, I am merely being practical. You tell me that your wife was 10 years younger than you and she left you - that is what happens. Had it been the other way round, it would have been surprising. At 50, my husband has the options. At 61, I don't. And as far as being able to see into his head to find out if he still fancies me - I suggest that a year without any more than a cuddle is a bit of a giveaway - don't you agree? I expected him to stray at some point, but I hoped it would not be quite yet, and not on this level.