I had to do it

Hi all

I had o do it ..the divorce.

The first year of dating, meeting the parents, everyting was wonderful, he was great. I couldnt ask for a better man.

One year into our marriage - i left a dish lying around, he got mad at me and locked me out of the house! I was shocked and couldnt understand how this calm, serene level minded husband is this angry monster who is showing me around, screaming constantly swearing at me, locking me out of the house for the smallest of things - for leaving a dish lying around after eating. From then on he was never happy with me, I would have the house spotless, dishes sorted food cooked> I did everythign to please him, I loved him and wanted him to be happy. If it wasnt the dishes it was because I didnt cook, or if it wasnt the cooking it was something else.

He alwas told me after we had a fight and he behaved unreasonably, he would change. I would give him a 2nd chance. Was it stress? He never wanted to talk about the fights, he always blamed them on me. Why was I so stupid to believe him, why was I so stupid to believe he would change? Give him more chances.

Our fights grew worse, he would pull out knife when we fought, he put a knife to my throat, he self harmed he stabbed my self. Locked me in a car, with our baby, tried to jump from a balcony. His behaviour was so extreme, I just couldnt figure him out.

We went on great holidays, he worked and does well at his work. If you met him you would think he was a wonderful guy. If you met me and my husband we were a perfect couple as I would pretend everything was great.

I just couldnt figure out this jekyl and hyde carachter.

After my second son was born, I couldnt take his anger anymore. During my second pregnancy, he would fight with me in the morning before I went to work, lock me out of the house. I found it so hard, tiring and emonially draining to deal with work and his issues and look after children.My head felt like it was going to explode.

I didnt tell any of my friends about his problems, I kept it to myself as I was so embarrased about the things he was doing when he was angry.

I started calling the domestic violence helpline on and off and finally after my second son was born I approached the doctor, relate anyone that could help.

I found out that my husband was controlling and wouldnt change and would have an effect on my sons and me....he wasnt a good role model..All sorts of questions floated around my head...I was scared about parenting on my own, I never wanted to end up as a single mother and I was worried about money - even though I work full time! Th thought of single parenting didnt appeal to me....i never thought it would come to this..what I hoped would be a perfect marriage is crumbling around me. They say Denial is not just a river in Egypt - now I know the meaning!

I left the house when my son was 4 months old and the other 3 years old, I went to a weomens refuge and started divorce proceedings.

Do I have second thoughts about leaving my husband - not at all - I've given him 6 years to change, tried to help him in every way.

I am a stronger woman, I'm not as trusting. I'm going for counselling and this whole experience has shaken me.

I'm angry, I feel like the future I had pictured has gone.

My ex still blames me for the way he behaved in the marriage, its still my fault.

Now that I've distanced myself from him and his problems I'm seeing things from a different perspective.

I miss him sometimes, I have such mixed emotions, anger, hate, frustration, I blame myself a lot. Its tough with 2 kids, I have no family so its entirely up to me.

He hasnt signed the papers as yet, its been one year and we're going through mediation. He is really dragging his feet and its stressing me out.

I'm moving on slowly...I've discoverd some very hidden talents...! I change light bulbs by myself and with the headge trimmer..

YOur story was so intresting to read I had tears in my eyes. I think you made the right decision. Your husband would just have got worse.I have a friend who left when her kids were at that age and now she and her sons are doing really well.I wish I left then too I have wasted 17 yrs of my life!

You have been very strong to break away from this man, I wish you well in the future xx

Hi Ssoria

I cry too thinking about the past too, I try to block it out of my mind but i just cant get it out of my head.

Thanks for the message, its a tough decision to make to leave our husbands. i can only imagine what you were going through - its a very difficult thing to do. I couldnt have done it with out the supourt of the domestic violence helpline and the refuge and so many other people

it makes me feel that it can be done once i see weomen with kids that have moved on - i appreciate you telling me about your friend. It give me hope. Its so good to have positive messages for a change, i'm so used to figting for everything.

Hi Kezza thanks for the message, its tough but I'm trying to move on. I know I've done the right thing - I think I would have been depressed if I had staeyed with him.

Speaking as a child who grew up in a violent home I say "Well done". The damage that would have been done to the children on an emotional level if you had stayed would have been irreparable. You did the right thing and should be proud of yourself.

You did do the right thing. It could have been a lot worse you could have spent another 8 years with this man and had another 2 children...at least you got out when you did!!! You were a damn side braver than I was.....oh how I wish I'd had the strength 8 years ago! On the other hand I have 4 beautiful children who I adore and thank my lucky stars I have them and did eventually manage to find the courage to get out.

I am piecing my life back together now I know it will take time but I look forward to the changes that lay ahead and I welcome them. I have set myself goals and I know I will reach them.
But at pressent I will focus on getting back stability for my children and although the life we will have will be so very different from the one we had it has its pluses which far out way what was!

Try to put the past behind you and keep moving forward when the past resurfaces deal with it then lock it up for good......you have a new story to write now so enjoy it don't expect too much and you wont be let down. You'll be just fine in the end and you'll be supprised at how far you will go!

I wish you all the very best for your future xx