divorcing my wife yet i am gutted

Hi Simon

you sound a very decent bloke (with issues!).

i think if you could have your new partner, see your children as often as you could, but also knew your wife did not have a partner, all would be honey.

but life is not like that!

i stayed i a miserable marriage for my girls - knowing that when my youngest was at high school i would leave. and this is what i did, although my X precipitated me divorcing him.

he was a crap hubby, but a remarkable father, nothing was too much for him as regards the children.

he had cheated on me when my first daughter was new born and to be honest if he had done everything he could to have made the marriage work I would still be married to him now. but he became very controlling and possessive and the reason was(although I didn't know at the time) he had had other sexual relationships even when we were going out and more than one around the time out daughter was born.

you see (found out from counselling prior to me divorcing) because he knew he had had these sexual relationships he lived in fear that I would do the same and it changed his personality to become this person who didnt like me doing anything without him.

if you went back to your wife do you think you would trust each other again? i think the answer will be 'no'. but love conquers all. therefore, only go back if you love her, because if you don't you will only be bitter for the rest of your lives together and the children will certainly suffer then.

the other alternative is to go to mediation together. talk, talk, talk. 3 children alone is soooo soooo difficult. maybe that is why she hooked up with another bloke so quickly. maybe you could assure her that you will be around as much as she needs for the chidlren. at the end of the day she may have got this chap simply for a helping hand and that's no good for the kids or her.

you are in a difficult situation. divorce is traumatic - costs money - and you will have years of paying out whilst perhaps maintaining another family. do you think the OW would be able to tolerate you paying out so much money every week and also seeing your first family regular.

i honestly feel for you i really do because I can tell from your posts how much you care for your children.

Jo x

Hi Saffy

I agree totally with you. This chap seems confused and feels he must have a woman in his life. He obviously has insecurity issues - we have all been there! But he certainly adores his chldren and if there is any chance for that marriage to be healed for all their sakes, that would be great.

Jo x

Jo,

have sent you a private message.

simon x

Hi
I really respect your honesty in this thread. Making decisions on your own behalf is hard enough but when there are children the guilt would nearly floor you! I stayed with my husband for the sake of my children and I realise now it was a mistake, no one was really happy, not even the kids.
They are all pretty much grown now and fantastic boys but I will always have the regret of not doing the right thing at the right time.
Everyone wants the ideal happy marriage, but, if you don't have that and there's really no hope it's best to deal with it. There are arguments for and against everything.
One thing I would absolutely agree on is that we need to put the children first, always. Sometimes even at our own expense. It's great that you have your own flat. It gives you a bit of distance from all this. No one would advocate giving up your girlfriend but a bit of distance can be the easiest way of keeping out of a lot of trouble!! My ex accused me of all sorts when I found a new partner a full year after leaving him because he had a girlfriend!! Things can become very messy indeed and if you feel the strain now I'm truly sorry to say it gets no better!
It's understandable you don't want to lose things in life, your wife, the way things were, but in a way this outcome was made by both your choices, both of you were looking for a change. You just have to find the courage to make the right decision.

The very fact you are posting on here shows you aren't taking anything for granted. Whatever way you choose to go there is certainly plenty of good advice and info to be found on here. I wish you all the best.

saffy and basketcase.

i appreciate your replies.

i am not a bad person.

i will make sure that my wife is well looked after and children stay in family home and go to private school.

my problem is: i know that i did not enjoy my time with her and even if i go back then things will be good for a period of time and then go back to how it was.

why do i have the urge to try again with her when i know that aside from the children situation my life will be a lot better with the girlfriend.

simon x