Hi everyone - I am separating after 30 years.

Hi, holistic, and welcome to the wonderful world of wiki!
STBX and I separated 2yrs ago after nearly 35 years together, and after just one niggle too many from me!
So we are now both in our 60's and I am now the respondent in my divorce!, but the huge relief we both felt after deciding we would separate and divorce was tangible! No more 'walking on eggshells' and being careful what you said and how you said it!
We are just awaiting our nisi, and we are hoping we can continue dialogue to ensure a cheap and amicable end.
Having said that - it is not where I was hoping to be at this stage in my life. Our adult son is devastated. I see many an older couple strolling hand in hand enjoying their retirement together...... and that was what I wanted.
I have a fantastic social life though and I am out more than I should be because I am not getting round to cleaning the house! (it doesn't look as bad if I don't wear my glasses!!)
You WILL get through things, believe me.
This is a great site and I find I can't resist logging on at some point most days.
I just wish there were more wiki meets closer to me as it would be great to put faces to names!
I hope everything works out for you and you emerge even stronger at the other side.
best wishes
abi

Yes- communication has been a lot of the problem for me - I have always been the one who wanted to talk , to turn the TV off (another problem) , to get him to go to counselling several times over the years - I just feel as though I can't keep trying to change him!
There is lots more I can talk about with you - I could write a book!

Hi Holistic
OMG I have been married 24 years and known him for nearly 30 and I thought THAT was a long time.

I am the one who is moving on not him . I am sure all of us "long marrieds" could tell a tale or two.
I am so glad I found this site - I googled divorce and up popped this place.
I was just looking for general advice but there is a whole community here.
So welcome and good luck.

Hi Holistic and welcome to Wikivorce

I was married 18 years but had been with my husband 31 years when he left to live with someone else.

Its hard to see things clearly when you are in a relationship but after a year of separation I can see things differently. I think I had thought a long=term relationship was good but involved compromise and I now see that meant I gave in to husband over most things in the name of a quiet life.
We have 2 teenagers and once they came along I put up with more for their sake which I now realise was an error.

But ex never wanted to talk about problems - they were always my problems, not his or ours. When things got tough he found someone else and is now behaving like a lovesick teenager.

I don't regret the marriage - we had some good times together. But I won't be making the mistake of thinking I need someone to complete me again.

Yes, its scary but its also exciting to be on your own and you do gain more freedom.

Nell

Hi holistic

Welcome to Wiki. 30 years is a long marriage, (similar for me).

The lack of communication is either one party simply not wanting to bother because they think that 'it' will never come to divorce, or one party has divorce in mind anyway, Well that's what I reckon.

So many people say the magic has gone or we don't communicate, it's all too common and very sad that it winds down to that stage.

The 'magic' should be easy to recreate with someone you know well in a marriage, unfortunately two people have to be willing to make the effort. Talking about it is one thing, yet putting it into practice takes motivation, which after a lot of years some people lack. Then they wonder why it went wrong.

Wiki is a great place to be, sorry your circumstances brought you here, but you are totally in the right place. We have the one big thing in common, the break up.


Take care
Girly

Hi Girly
So much has been going on - lots of tears and anger from our children (which i expected)- I have been feeling SO scared yesterday and a bit better today.As far as it looks at the moment , my husband is moving out next weekend so we can have a trial separation for a while , although i have been in touch with a solicitor regarding a legal separation which i can see now is much more serious , especially as my husband can't afford a solicitor , so to everybody that looks as if I am being really selfish as I can get legal aid.Even the very fact that I have seen a solicitor seems to make them all think that 'this is all me' and not him. I don't know really what i should do for the best.! Can anybody help?

Hi again holistic,

Just because you can get legal aid, it doesn't mean that you are being the selfish in this, if the separation goes on to become a divorce then the legal aid will have to be paid back if there is any money in the settlement or any property that they can fix a charging order to.

Your kids will be angry as a certain sense of insecurity happens when Mum and Dad break up. I am guessing yours are old enough to understand what is happening a bit more than tiny ones would. I was concerned that our kids would think it is me ending it or that I might be the 'baddie' who drove him out, but our kids all grown up now, know that their Dad is the one who never valued the relationship as much as I did, let's face it they have been there the whole way through so will have picked up on loads.


Can't deny it though when kids are older they can take it a lot harder, even if they know it is for the best, it isn't what they ever want to see, they really need to see both of their parents treating each other right. Ours would rather Dad had been hit by the lightening bolt and started treating Mum decently, they knew I deserved better for a long time, wasn't to be. He left. He still couldn't be civil so I stopped contact, cos it isn't nice for that kind of nastiness to be present in a family, and with tbx gone, it was easier to achieve a happy atmosphere. Not the right way to achieve that, but easier.


Wiki is the right place to get it out of your system if you want a more objective opinion. Even if people say stuff that you don't agree with it is thought provoking sometimes. Quite often it helps to untangle your thought process just by talking to someone anonymous. It's a kind of self-help group I guess.