Hi everyone - I am separating after 30 years.

Hi everyone - I am in the early stages of separation after 30 years of marriage!
It all feels so scary and I need as much help and advice as i can get - i have been to see a solicitor and i qualify for legal aid which is a good thing!

Hi holistic. You're in the right place. Loads of caring and supportive people on here.

30 years is a long time, must be a shock. I had been married for 12 when I was separated a year ago - and I'm still finding it pretty tough.

I'm told it gets better though

I have been unhappy for a long time but just kept trying hard to deal with it all - got three children (26,23 and 14) - now i am approaching the big 50 next year and I don't think it's fair for any of us to carry on like this with us both (although my husband is seeming shocked and I don't really understand - the times I have told him and asked to talk etc. - he just doesn't seem to get it!!)

Sounds a bit like the reverse of my situation. My stbx had apparently been unhappy for a while before the separation - but like your other half, I was in complete shock.

I'd be really interested to hear more about your perspective as I was never able to really talk through the situation and understand. Once she had told me that she didn't feel the same way she kind of switched off from me and I was perceived as a stranger.

hiya holistic,

like helterskelter said I was on the other side - really WAS shocked even tho things were tough I really thought it was till death...... etc. Sorry to hear you're in a bad place tho xx

In our case I think we both had problems with communication. My ex would kind of hint about her dissatisfaction rather than be completely frank ... and I probably put my head in the sand because I didn't want to hear what she was trying to say.

I also think we expected different things out of marriage. For me it was very much about a long term commitment with companionship and trust as important as fireworks and champagne, and I expected that there would be times when things weren't quite as perfect. I think my wife feels that once that 'magic' is gone then the relationship is pretty much over.

I honestly don't know what's "right" any more. I suspect that many longer term relationships are without "magic". Who knows if that means they are no longer valid.

Having said all that - 30 years is a damn good stab at marriage and I think you've earned the right to make your own choices by then!

Yes I'd be interested too because like HelterSkelter, I was the one in complete and total shock. But then, mine had an affair, which kind of finalised things when he told me (because he thought he was caught and the funny thing is, it was the last thing on earth I ever expected to come out of his mouth!!)

Still, I wish he had told me he was unhappy before he got to that point - he never even hinted and I now feel so stupid that I didn't see it coming. I always felt totally secure in our 23 year relationship and was never given any indication to think otherwise and that still hurts. Looking back now, I can see the few weeks leading up to his 'confession' were a bit 'off' but I thought at the time it was just down to work pressure and truly had no idea he was playing away, much less unhappy for so long. Had I known, things might now be a lot different. Maybe we still would have split up, and maybe we would have at least talked it through and agreed things had run their course but at least I would have had the dignity of having a say in my own future and we could have maybe even been at least civil to each other eventually. No chance of that now.

I would really love to hear what you have to say on this because maybe it would give me some understanding of my own situation by hearing what another on the opposite end of things thinks and feels because up to this point I have to be honest and say I'm seeing things only through my very raw feelings and, I don't know, perhaps I'd be able to be a bit more objective and less one-sided in my view. Especially since he now claims he was unhappy for years but did a great job of hiding it. So please do share. It's good to get the other perspective, and maybe it will help me feel less angry/sad whatever.

And the great thing about Wiki is you will find a lot of valuable information on this site regardless of what you choose to chat about.