Where do I stand?

Thank you for your words - I guess as a fella, and having seen so many (apparently) "lose" if that is the right phrase - when the splitting up of the house and finances happens i am in a mindset that this WILL happen to me - and the Solicitor I saw did not fill me with any optimism....I know I should go elsewhere and perhaps try a couple of the "half hour" for a fiver sessions to see what others have to say regards the situation - and then go from there....we are (as many before us) trying to be amicable for the benefit of the boys (13 and 10 respectivley) - and I don't hate her or feel I need to get my "own back" or make life difficult, I am releived I think, to know that I don't have to keep trying to make somthing work that is not going to, have been doing that for 5 years or so. Now I know the "reason" why I no longer have to keep trying to persuade someone that their life is with me, if her heart, her mind...and her body...are "elsewhere" then yes I am relieved. All I "hate" is the situation of Limbo we are in as she will not do the "right thing" and move out as he is so far away... and cannot get a job in Wales commensurate with her current role (not my problem - but it stalls this moving forward) - so effectively she has a built in "carer" baby sitter whilst she goes to Wales most Weekends (great as I get time with the boys on my own - but I cant "move on") - Renting is so expensive and prohibitive in this area (costs) until i know what my committments to this house would be if I were to (painfully) "move out" - and suffer the emotional trauma of "leaving/deserting" my boys...and i really don't want them to feel that their lives have changed/suffered because "I" have left....she should and then maybe they would understand that it is not ME that is "effecting" their lives in this way..... there are tears a many at times when I try to sleep - pains me to stay, hurst me to even think about moving out and leaving them behind becasue I will not be able to financially cope.

Well, if you are able to talk, best to resolve this amicably, without solicitors who will cost and may inflame the situation. They can also just offer standard 70/50 advice but stick to your guns. Don't move out voluntarily, that may prejudice your case.

Ian

As the Dad you do not have to lose out and accept less financially if you have care of the children. You need to fight you corner, this doesn't mean you have to hate your ex, but equally you may end up not being friends.

My ex left over a year ago and we are now divorced. When she left I was the main earner and the main carer (I worked from home) and I was too nice to her in the months after she moved out. After a few months I realised I was being a mug (paying £900 one month for child maintenance when she had the children 8 nights!). I toughened up and in the financial settlement we agreed a 60/40 split of the house to her, but she had no claim on my pension, which is a fair amount. So for me I believe we ended up with a pretty much equal split.

I suggest you see more solicitors and go for one that feels you will get more than 30%. In the meantime, be there for the boys. Do not make any move to sell the house until it works for the boys. At the moment they need stability.

All the best

Steve

You do seem a bit beaten already Ian and Im not sure why...

She needs to be amicable, shes the one with the new partner wanting to disappear for weekends with you doing the child care. (As a mother of two let me give you a little tip - if theres no one else to leave the children with, theres not much prospect of a social life!!)

You say you are agreeable to call time on the marriage and acknowledge you werent happy either - fair dos - thats the best way out of a bad deal.

So you are down stairs in 'your space' and presumably shes upstairs in hers. You are to all intents and purposes already living as a separated couple. You seem fixated on the belief that one of you has to go for the world to be happy. Ultimately that is the case but there are a great many practicalities to sort before that and as you arent comming for each other with the cutlery - this arrangement does seem to be the one working best for the children (although I wonder what they think!)

Maybe you need to talk more with the kids and find out what they want (a move with mum to a new partner in Wales that may or may not work out - might not be what they want) can you be the main carer? If so whats to stop you doing that. The assumption that its always the mum is usually based on it being the case that this is how it was pre split. Your wife doesnt have to agree but neither do you have to agree to her taking that role. You have more choices than you think and you seem to be giving up - something I suspect you will come to regret down the line.

Think again about what you want - not what your wife wants - and spend some of those weekends chatting to your kids about their preferred scenarios. You dont have to stop being amicable - just stop saying 'yes dear'

Best wishes

How would that Prejudice my case? That is a real sickener isnt it - i would be doing it in the "best interests" of all of us - extended family included...as the pressure/stress at times is too much - and I want to shield my boys from seeing that....thats a perverse irony...she ecides to change my life completely and that does not appear to prejudice her case in any way - she seems to be in a win win situation!

Steve, thanks for that. I was earning well, working away in Salisbury as "apparently" we had intentions to move there...her folks live 20-30 mins away...then of course I found out...my pension added to my pay put me up in the mid £30K...I quit the job and have had to take the first thing I can get in this climate and have dropped 10K to be "home" at nights seeing my boys....so its a long road back up I think.

Beaten - disillusioned because of the "advice2 I have received to date I guess.... Yep - I know that me "being here" allows her to have her social life and "they" seem content with their situation, working through the weeks and seeing eachother weekends...oddd - when surely they started this (3/4 years ago - to be together?) - think the harsh reality of me finding out, and her now having to make concrete decisions about the future are not now as easy as she thought, now she has to consider effect on boys - and unable to get a job/move to Wales in these last 18 months, eldest son has now made his school choices....so reluctant to move...so rots all our lives up because she is not doing the "decent thing" and GOING !
Am sure my family, as well as hers would expect ME too if I had wandered off to another....any way - have spoken to my boys but they are reticent - dont "open up" yet...and i dont want to force them too.... I am content to be a Martyr to SOME extent for the good of the boys and that is the only reason I am able to "stay" here and put up with this - that and the fact that the housing market is not good at the moment... but as for where the boys would like to be, which is paramount - with her now saying not going to Wales???? Given the choice, as I did when my folks split...it was with Mum..."softer" - better cooking, not the one who normally told us off, or said "no" to things we wanted.....So given that her wage will allow her (probably with the help of her well off parents) to buy a much better place than I will be able to buy here with my cash from the house sale (should it happen) and on my lower wage now - where would you choose to live...in a flat with Dad or in a House with a garden with Mum???

Whats with the "you cry i cry etc??? Thanks for your "insight"
Ian