Does it get any better

I'm a newbie here. with H for 22 years married for 19. 2nd marriage have one grown up daughter from first marriage. H was stepdad to her from age of 6. H left 3 months ago and is now living with old girlfriend from 30 years ago that contacted him on facebook. Well he didn't actually leave. I found out about his little liaison which had only been going on for 9 days. Massive row on phone and he has not been home since. He was too scared to face me. He had drink problem for quite some time which caused difficulties but within weeks of him being away from home discovered that it was not just drink but drugs too!! That's not my lifestyle at all so didn't want it around me and my family. had one heartbreaking conversation with him about 4 weeks ago when he told me he was only with her as he had absolutely nowhere else to go. he was sorry for hurting me and he didn't believe that I would ever forgive him. At the time I would have forgiven him anything as I've always loved him. He promised to come and see me to talk things through. He was supposed to be coming the following Sunday but rang that day to say he was unable to come. That is the last contact between us. His family, apart from his mother are disgusted with him and he has lost all his friends too. he has no job and OW is obviously supporting him. He is 50 next week and apart from her and her family, she has a 14 year old daughter but has never married, he has no-one. What a sad state of affairs eh? I think I've cried as much as I can now and after 4 weeks off work I'm starting to feel more human and think I've accepted that his actions speak louder than words. I am devastated at the way he has treated me since finding out about the other woman. It's as if the last 22 years has been one big lie. I'm finding that harder to deal with than actually sleeping with someone else. No-one can believe what has happened, least of all me. I'm hoping that one day I will wake up and I will feel ready to take on the world. I'm trying to keep going but it's so hard. I see my family and friends but still finding the loneliness of entering an empty house difficult to cope with. I've been reading other peoples accounts on this website for quite some weeks now but only plucked up the courage to register today.

I've already consulted a solicitor who has sent H a letter informing him of my intention to divorce him. He's phoned my solicitor and said he will agree to everything as long as he can retrieve his clothes and personal possesssions. He only has one small suitcase of clothes with him, everything else is still here. I've told him to collect his stuff, I've already put it in bags ready for him but he hasn't made contact to do so. Initially I was hoping it would bring him to his senses and sort himself out but I think that I am the one who has come to her senses and realised that I cannot put up with his drinking (and now drugs) though I am still reluctant to take the final step and issue the divorce papers. Has anyone else felt like this even though they know it is the right decision?

He's told his mother that he doesn't want to be with OW but he has no-where else to go. He can't stay with his parents as they live with his sister and brother in law who are disgusted with the way he has behaved. I have more contact with them as we have always been close and they have been a great support to me.

Am I fooling myself that he could ever change?

Hallo lonely and welcome to wikivorce

Well he has changed hasn't he? He wasn't drunk, doing drugs and with this ow when you married.

You will see on this site there are zillions of women (and men) who are going through what you are. A spouse you trusted turns out to have been faithless and becomes a stranger.

Of course you want to believe he can change and you can save your marriage, of course you have doubts about divorce even though you feel its the right thing. These are normal reactions.

You can't just switch off feelings and you are also going through the process of shock, disbelief, denial, grief and anger that happen when a relationship breaks down.

But it can and will get better. I have been separated from my ex for a year and feel much happier, have a better social life, and my sons are slowly getting over it too.

My ex's stuff is still in the garage!

Thanks nell. i'm so glad i joined this site now. been in the chat rooms and realise i'm not the only one. The only way i can go now is up.

Too right!!!

It will get better but very slowly. Take each day as it comes. I am 8 months down a very hurtful and stressful road and can start to a see a small chink of light.
I have learnt one very important lesson. Initially, you search for all sorts of answers and reasons, but remember it was not your fault. Eventually time catches up with them and the consequences of their actions start to surface.
I am divorcing my wife. Her betrayal of me and the family was nothing short of dispicable. We had no warning it was coming and therewas very little wrong in our marriage. All she will say is she lost control!
Now, I see a very desperate person who is trying to deny everything and blame who she can - but herself.
Be strong, you are the right one and eventually it does come to the surface.
My wife has ruined her life and now I am watching someone I truly loved and adored absolutely "crash and burn"! I know I can never have her back - that person is no more so I focus my life on my boy's and my happiness.
Brunswick.

Hi Lonely48. You cant fix people with a magic wand. If that was so there would be no people that take drugs, drink to excess or gamble the wages away. In otherwords you cant fix him. Just let him go. Life is hard enough. You cant be a lifeboat for someone. Esp someone that has betrayed you. So concentrate on you. Get over it. Move on to the better life without this millstone thats around your neck. Life gets a lot better when all the weight is lifted of your shoulders. Trust me. I am an engneer. C.

Yes it gets better but as the partner who was committed to the relationship it takes a lot of healing. We are all different, but the advice is the same try and get out there, see friends, meet people , give yourself a new challenge. I have been separated for 2 years now and still have bad days but I have achieved a lot in that time. Just started divorce proceedings. I asked him to leave as soon as I found out about the affair, he had been acting strangely for a couple of months but didn't have the guts to say anything. Like you I had a daughter when we got together and he was her stepdad from age 5. I also took on his son age 4 and we had our own daughter. Never thought he could treat us like this. I am realy looking forward to putting all this behind me.
Be kind to yourself! It's very early days for you, looking back I was in shock for weeks.
Take heart from all the wonderful wiki people who are surviving!