here's hoping!

Hi..separated for 7 months(and 8 days!) after 25 years married, 30 years together. All these things take 2, but finding the other womans texts a year ago finished me off. I have been feeling very low and cannot stop crying even though I get out, work full time and have wonderful friends. Its not helped by the fact that husband and i still txt and email even tho he is still with the other woman but not living with her- I know we should stop contacting each other but I want us to remain on amicable terms because 30 years is such a lot to give up and I dont want us to end up hating each other - any ideas out there??

You need to do what you think is right for you. When my x left for OW (they are still together) I found it easier when I had "let go". Now civil for sake of kids but not friends more acquaintances - both moved on. Keeping in touch is fine as long as you can still get some other things and people in your life to fill the other time and don't become to reliant on him for contact - how can you move on if you do that? Sorry if it sound harsh but fill your time with things that you want to do

Janey

yes Janey we all cope differently but for myself I find any contact difficult.I am much happier when there is noneand now that we are sorting out a Clean Break I can't wait! It's taken just over 2 years tho.

You will find out for yourself what is best for you ( you may not be honest with yourself at first as it is very hard to let go, I know). As we always had a good relationship for 19 years I always felt strange not telling him things that had happened, a part of you seems missing! But you get used to it and accept that that part of your life is over.

Hi
Your message really hit home with me as I felt (and still do to a lesser degree) very much the same as you when we split.

I have now been separated 3 and half years and were only together a total of 18 years but I still felt we should remain friends.

However, I would advise keeping contact to a minimum and stop texting and emailing him unless you have a real reason for doing so.

It takes a long time to move on and get over something like this and maintaining contact will only make it more difficult for you. I have to see my ex as he collects and drops off the children and he comes in and chats and I tell myself this is better for the children but probably the reason is because I want to be friendly.

However it hasn't stopped him filing for a divorce recently and hence my finding out about this site.

I still hope that we can remain friends and not hate each other but I feel he is taking advantage of my good nature and I may need to involve a solicitor.

Good luck to you and make time for yourself and make plans for spending fun time with your friends and family.

Angela

Hi Nimrod.

I am in a similar position - only there was no one else involved and I did the leaving.
I agree with the others - keep contact to a minimum - at least until the initial raw pain has gone.

Leave him alone lovey - he is with the other woman and he needs to give you a chance to heal. Try ignoring the next text or phonecall. I know it hurts but you need to distance yourself from it all for a while.
Enjoy your friends and go and read my blog on being single again.

It will get easier,you CAN do this xxxxxx

Hi Nimrod - I totally agree with the others.

After the first few weeks and when I knew there was no hope of reconciliation I have kept contact to email only and only when necessary.

My ex kept feeling the need to reply at times out of politeness I think but each one was like a little knife to my heart. So I started putting "no need to reply" on the end of emails that didn't need one and that really helped (also put me more in control).

Good luck, it will be hard but as you detach yourself from him you will feel so much better, I promise
xxx

Hi Nimrod, sorry to hear you're feeling so down. I know exactly how you feel -I could have written your post, it is so similar to my situation.
I think the advice here is right - the less contact, the quicker the healing process, but I too am struggling with it. I think it is all about letting go. By keeping things friendly and having regular contact, it's easier to kid yourself and imagine that everything is somehow ok. We want to keep talking with the person who has nearly destroyed us because it is a way of clinging on to the life we once had and the future we had planned together. We need to accept and move on, but it is so very painful to imagine a life alone that we prefer to rely on contact with the person who as hurt us as it is easier than making the break and leaving them behind.
I really annoy myself sometimes - when I think about what she has done it tears me apart and I get really upset but also really angry. The trouble is, when I have contact with her I forget these bad feelings really quickly and I'm normally happy when we talk/text/email/meet. The downside is, afterwards the despair is even deeper once that contact has stopped and I am back on my own again.
I think things have to be done at your own pace. I'm sure everyone takes a different time to come to terms with this horrible situation, but ultimately for our own mental wellbeing, we do need to let go and start moving on. Personally, I don't want to be enemies with my tbx wife, but I also don't want to be friends. I want more than that but it's not going to happen, so I need to leave that part of my life behind. Trouble is, I'm finding that very very very difficult
Take care Nimrod, you'll get there in the end.