Hi

I suspect that you want him because of familiarity and fear of the unknown...when you have been in a relationship with a person who does not really respect you, your own self respect becomes warped and something (even a very inadequate something) in terms of a relationship, is better than nothing.

Having some distance (emotionally at the very least) from him will help you get that sense of perspective back. You need to build your self esteem back up so that you can see for yourself that you deserve better.

Kirsten,

I really can't agree with your point about being the person someone else wants us to be. We should all be ourselves, and not mould ourselves to be something else.

Fab

Mustgethappy,

Sadly, once an adulterer, always an adulterer. He's done it before, he'll do it again. Now is the time to think about what you really want - you say you want to be happy? Is he making you happy?

My ex originally wanted six months separation and she then filed for divorce just a few weeks later. After an 18 year relationship and nearly 16 years of marriage, I was torn apart. In my case, there was no adultery (well, certainly not in my part - I have no idea about her).

However, a few months down the line there is no going back, and perhaps this is how your ex feels also.

In time, you'll get through this painful phase in your transition, and you'll start to look forward rather than back.

Best of luck.

Fab

Hi

Separated and he finds another woman in the space of 3 months???? He doesn't think that much of you does he? Lets be honest if he was texting, emailing, phoning, begging, had seen the light etc. etc. it would be different. But 3 months down the line he has got someone else.

So, committing adultery again!

You are worth so so so much more. You believe you love him. You love the dream, you love what you wish could have been. I agree with FabDad things will never ever be the same.

I nearly divorced my X 18 years ago after he apparently had a one night stand. I say apparently because it turns out that it was throughout out courtship, and first two years of our marriage. I didn't know that then. I kicked him out at the time, but had him back for the new born baby. What I didn't know was that he was shagging everything and anything that walked and continued to do so for the following 10 years.

3 years ago he told me everything because HE needed a clear conscience. I divorced him. I couldn't believe how stupid, naive I had been. I did not know anything.

I would never ever have trusted him again. We now have 3 beautiful teenage daughters. He wanted the marriage to continue. Yeah, course he did. He had had his fun and was now (20 years down the line) prepared to be "good".

Not a bloody chance! It is difficult at first, really difficult, but I wouldnt care less if my X was sleeping with the whole of my town, 3somes, wife swapping, turned gay! Couldn't care less.

What I do care about is that I go to bed at night with a smile on my face, knowing he can never ever hurt me again.

Jo x

FabDad wrote:

Kirsten,

I really can't agree with your point about being the person someone else wants us to be. We should all be ourselves, and not mould ourselves to be something else.

Fab

Hi Fabdad - thanks for picking me up on this, it wasn't what I meant at all though I can see it might be interpreted like this. What I wrote was 'become the person you want him to like' which isn't the same as moulding ourselves to be something else.

The point I was trying to make, (albeit it not very well!)is that we all like people who know what they want, have taken responsibilty for themselves and frankly, are fun - none if which is happening when we 'find it hard to drag myself out of bed and I'm terrified..' as MustgetHappy wrote.

mustgethappy wrote:

Hi to all. I have just joined and spent a while reading through everyones posts. I feel so sad that there is so much heartbreak. My story is this. 5 months ago after 13 years together and 5 years of marraige I told my husband I needed a trial seperation after nearly a year of argueing and a brief affair on his part. For about 3 months he tried everything to get us back together and I remained stubborn and told him it would never work. Then about a month ago he met someone and seems to have spent every waking moment with her since. Now he seems so cold and distant, and this weekend he took our 12 year old daughter out bowling to meet the other woman. She wasnt keen to go but has come back full of beans about how great she is and that she really likes her. The thing is.. now I realise how much I still love my husband and its too late. I tried to tell him this weekend and he quite rightly told me I had my time slot and now he's moved on. I'm finding it hard to drag myself out of bed at the moment, and I'm terrified of what my future holds.

Hi MustGet.

I think like the other posters on this thread do is that you shouldnt be with this man. He is no good and all he will bring you is sadness. You are being used as a stepping stone. And thats not the place to be. Beleive me. Also you are worth more than this.

Fancy him telling you that you had your slot and so on. What an awful thing to say. This means that he wasnt sincere in his actions all that time. He just wanted to make sure that his stepping stone was nicely bedded down for a while.

Moving on to why I think you feel this way: You had weeks and weeks of him trying to win you back. Lots of attention and all the rest. And then he loses interest when he found someone else. And this is when you felt the loss. Its a common feeling. We tend to yearn after what we cant have. Like that pair of shoes in the window we see every day by the bus stop or what ever.

Our hearts are not machines. We cant just programme them to do this, feel that. Not like setting up the video for eastenders. We are complicated creatures with complicated feelings. But realy our hearts are fickle and stupid. If we just had a brain I think we would be better off sometimes.

Ok I am going to try and save you some pain later on by giving an extra dose of what others have been saying. Forget this man. He will do the same to her. He is a walking mistake. A breathing, moving disaster and I pity anyone foolish enough to let him into there lives. He schemed and lied and shmoozed you. When he didnt get what he wanted in time he switched to another stepping stone. Just like that. What a nice chappie he is.

I know it dont seem like it now but you are the lucky one. Lets hope that he stays gone. You had a lucky escape. Count your blessings. I am sorry I am being a bit tough on you. But deep down you know I am right. C.

Hi,

Sorry but I agree with all the others too.
This man betrayed you in the first place - and the speed with which he found someone else when you split for a break is breathtaking!! If he had truly loved you surely he would have understood how much you were hurting and given you the time you needed to sort your emotions out. I truly beleive once a cheater always a cheater! I also agree that maybe you wanting him back ia a knee jerk reaction? It is frightening being on your own - maybe you are looking at him with rose tinted glasses??? Would you could you ever trust him again??

Jo xx