Hello from very distressed and dazed newbie

Hello everyone please excuse my typing because I have only discovered my husbands behaviour last Wed and I am still suffering from the initial shock SECOND TIME ROUND!!!!

Please let me explain briefly

Last October I discovered my H had been having an affair for almost a year he covered it up because it was mainly done via email and several meets disguised as business trips the OW lives in another country she is not British.

I went through hell from Oct to December I tried everything to save the marriage we have been together for 20 years although married for only 4 and we have a daughter who will be 5 in December.

I told him repeatedly if he ended this relationship I would be prepared to take him back. Alas this did not happen a week before Christmas he just up and left to be with this ow as she was in the country.

I endured a Christmas from hell it was awful because I had to keep a front one relatives visiting and make a good time for my daughter.

After all this I told my husband to leave everthing was finished he refused to leave so I banished him into the spare room. I did not do any laundry or cooking for him or acknwoledge his existence in the house. The strain was immense.

I also took some basic legal advice ie will I be left penniless etc because I have no income of my own.

Eventually we reconcilled my husband ended this relationship and we have had a fantastic year or so I thought.

Have just discovered he had been in contact with this ow since May and as she came to the uk two weeks ago he just could not stop himself they met and you can guess the rest.

What do I do now he is back in the spare room what can I do as an interim measure for financial security? What if he refuses to leave the home I know he has a legal right to live here but now the situation is intolerable

He obviously hasn't got a decent bone in his body if he expects you to put up living with him after his betrayal. I would start legal proceedings to end the marriage and make it clear to him that there is no way back this time and appeal to him for your daughters sake to find somewhere else for himself to live.

Thanks for replying,

I know this site is going to be a good friend for me.

There is just so much to take in and I feel so fragile at the moment.

But I dont want to delay any actions because I do not trust my husband one iota now.

Just cant believe how he could do something so cruel as I really thought we had recovered a happy marriage again.

Do you know he even spent a fortune on celebrating my 50th birthday on 16th Oct the sick bastard must have been guilt money sorry about the bad language I feel so angry now.

Course you feel angry. And happy birthday by the way, looks like your life begins at 50!

I can only imagine how gutting it is that you gave him a second chance, and he abused that by deceiving you again. Feel proud of yourself for giving your marriage a second chance, that took courage and commitment that many people lack. Now you know for sure that you're doing the right thing by ending it.

You're right that there is a lot to take in about the legal process, but the good thing is you can do it a step at a time (in fact you'll be forced to by the slow machinations of the legal system). So the first thing is to seek some advice about your situation - what grounds you are going to use to divorce, and what the likely future and outcome is for you and your daughter (assuming she will be with you).

From what people have said on here, I don't think you can necessarily force him out of the house at present, but the sooner you get things moving, the sooner you get to the point where either the situation is resolved legally - or reality sets in for him that this is going to be a permanent split and he moves out.

There are a few people on here who have endured living in the same house while going through the whole proceedings, including being aware of their stbx's contact with their ow/om. Hopefully some of them will post, or perhaps you can search through some old threads.

Best of luck and keep posting.

Thanks for your kind words elvis fan

i hope over this weekend to have some kind of dialogue with him i am not showing him any of my cards but I want to give him the opportunity to say what he intends to do in the immediate future

he knows if he is difficult it will cost him
money wise which obviously will not benfit anybody as I got to serving papers on him last time but now he knows what the outcome is going to be I await his comments this weekend.

The thing that is so hard is trying to behave normal and civil in front of my daughter when I really want to behave in a completely different way

Hi, keep posting and keep browsing the site. You'll find loads of people in similar positions and loads of similar stories.

My position is slightly different to yours the lies and deceit perhaps not so extreme, but there all the same. I'm a little younger (happy birthday btw) but married over 20 years before separating earlier this year. It was quite a shock to me, never mind everyone else. I learned more post separation than was ever admitted whilst we were together, so with hindsight that was certainly the right move.

I urge you to take good advice. You'll learn loads if you can spend time browsing. It helps to distract and to emphasize with others. Whilst it will also open up wounds that in itself is part of the healing process. You'll note that some of the advice here might be conflicting, as might comments from friends or even professionals. If you have little or no income Citizens Advice or any solicitors should be able to advise what legal aid you are eligible for, you might even find comments on that here.

Accept your emotional ups and downs (ElvisFan just brought me to tears, have no idea why). Share what you want to share and do what is right for you.

Take care.

Thanks confused will keep posting i,m still suffering from the initial shock and find it difficult to focus but I know from last time this will pass must try to eat cant afford to loose any more weight!