Nearly divorced, hurt and confused

Just need to get things off my chest tonight. Brief summary. Met 7 years ago, he was divorced with 2 children. Married 4 years ago and had 2 of our own children. During 2nd pregnancy he became distant but I didn't realise how he felt. He left just after babies 1st birthday.
The first sign of trouble was when baby was about 10 weeks old when he arranged a relate councelling session without telling me for both of us. He said then he wasn'nt happy. I was devastated that he felt that way and hadn't the guts to tell me. Anyone who has had a little baby in the house knows how much turmoil I was in. Things seemed to settle but again he didn't talk to me, just became more distant. He obviosly didn't love me even back then, but I kept on plugging away thinking if I try harder all will be ok.
His reasons for leaving were vague but theme was I didn't love him enough, show him enough attention.
I feel used and abused. I worked so hard to please him and his children, which I had/have a good relationship with. Did so much for him - probably too much, I think I mothered him. But when the going got tough with looking after babies he fled.
It's 6 months since he left and I have moved on in that I can see how little he gave me, mainly since I fell pregnant the 2nd time, although baby was planned and i thought he wanted more children - now I am not so sure.
Feel so betrayed. Found out since he was seeking advice from friends, family, his boss and not saying anything to me.
He now seems like a stranger to me. He has left his job, has a girlfriend. He comes to the house to see the children which is unbearable. Not because of any feelings I have for him, but for how the children love him and trying to explain to them why he isn't around without slagging him off!
My friends say I am not naive and stupid, I simply trusted him. But my self esteem is at a life time low. A friends husband said 'there is no smoke without fire', by which I assume he means I am at fault. People say I can't beleive it's happened to you, you are so nice, a word I have come to hate over the past 6 months. Where does nice get you? absolutely nowhere in my experience.
My biggest fear is that I will die and that he will have to bring up my beautiful children. I truly believe he couldn't care less about them, simple trophies to show of his sperm potential! Sorry to sound so bitter, I hope it gets better than this.

freyja wrote:

I simply trusted him.

Hi, it gets better, keep posting many of us with you in this.

When we love someone, we trust them. When that trust is betrayed we will doubt ourselves. As the hurt subsides we will start to see with greater clarity and begin to trust ourselves. Life will get better.

Hi Freya, sending you a hug! I've just read your post and feel so sorry for you and the awful position you are in. It's strange how someone we love/d can turn into such a monster and make such hurtful allegations when things go wrong. Be strong, and take care of yourself and your lovely children. Things will get better but it all takes time. Unfortunately friends and family don't always understand and so can't help much. Try and get some sleep now! Take care, Chrys.

Thankyou so much for your reply. You are so kind to respond to others distrss when you have enough of your own worries.
I googled NPD - amazing - it could have been written about him! I wish I had been more wize 7 years ago.
Wishing you , your daughter and grandson the happiest of futures.

Freyja x

Freyja

Just wanted to say.Tonight I am feeling alot like you.
I too am doubting my own judgement and am feeling rather low in the self esteem dept...after I gave everything to a 12 year relationship and he did everything to destroy it and left me to pick up the pieces and clear up the mess.He's now living happy days with a woman whom he himself has said he doesnt love.
I'v been strong and doing well with getting thru this.Am nearly 4 months down the line.I am 2 days away from having my Decree Nisi declared.I am 5 days away from what would have been our wedn anniversary and I too am feeling low,hurt, despondent about life tonight.He is cushioning his feelings in someone else.I'm strugln on my own.You are not alone. I will try and think good thoughts for you and me both.

xx

Thankyou so much, I hope you are feeling stronger tonight.

I have never been on such an emotional roller coaster, and just when you think you are coping, something trivial happens and you are a complete wreck again. I got a parking ticket the other week and cried all the way home in the car - I think because I spend so much time putting on a strong front for everyone, then just crack when my guard is down.

I spoke to someone who said that once you have got past a year, so you have lived through all the significant dates and anniversries, then things seem better.
I don't regret him leaving, now I realise how dishonest he is, I am sure I am better off on my own. I just can't beleive I was taken in by him and like you I completely doubt my ability now to get the measure of somebody. But what can you do when they lie to you, I can't read minds sadly.

The thing I can't forgive him for is the affect it has had/will have on the children, including his 2 children from his first marriage - how stupid was I.

I think this forum is fantastic. So supportive.

Take care of yourself,

Freyja x

(((offering a hug)))

I hope that it stas better for you Freyja as I recognise that rollercoaster. One thing, that I am finding out about this place is that there is a lot of sensible advice, even when we do not want to hear it.

Do not blame yourself is the message I keep hearing, yes it takes two, but you can never be responsible in isolation. And the very important thing, you are oonly responsible for your feelings, you cannot control those of anyone else.

Hope it goes well, and apologies if I did not make sense or express myself properly. Just know that I do mean well.