was doing well, but have relapsed.

Justsosad, your situation sounds so very nearly like mine, except I've known my husband for five years and been married for about half that time...and we're about 20 years older than you.

I have those awful days, too, where I just sit down and cry and can't really even say why. It almost seems like, now that his secret is out (especially to his family, who have been in shock about it), it seems like it's no longer a big deal to anyone but me.

Time heals, as they say, but I think it also depends on what you do with the time...for me, I intend to move forward, but slowly, which maybe sounds kind of strange.

I'm going to try to remember something else I read recently, too - the most important relationship I'll ever have is the one I have with myself, and I want to make sure I'm 'right' with myself somehow or other and intend to get some counseling in these next few weeks, once life settles down and he and I have gone our separate ways.

I'm glad I found this place, I think it offers a lot of support.

Be kind to yourself (sounds trite, but it's true)...

Hi jjenkins

Yesterday was so bizarre - I've never felt so inconsolable. I made my dinner whilst crying, ate my dinner whilst crying, did the dishes whilst crying, had a bath whilst crying..... I've never felt anything like it. Today I'm exhausted!

It's hard for family and friends, because if you are like me, you just find yourself going round in circles - asking the same questions and repeating the same things. I'm sure it's not that they don't think it's a big deal - it's just that they don't know what to say. I can't answer any of my questions about why he did what he did, and I knew him better than anyone, so they won't be able to answer either. This is where this site can help us - the support given is immense and encouraging.

I've also been told I need to find 'me' - and I'm making an effort to do new things (salsa and cooking a the moment), make new friends, and have equal measure of going out and staying in.

I think it's fantastic that you are staying here - it takes a huge amount of courage although tempting to run away from your memories, its' going to make you a much stronger person in the end. (I'm staying put too and I've told myself the same thing!)

Keep in touch x

I stepped out of the circuit

Stepping out of the circuit...working on that.

A friend told me that I need to stop concentrating on HER and concentrate on the marriage (well, can't do that any more) and then on ending it and taking care of myself. But when you're still at the stage of need to tell people what's happened it's hard not to focus on 'feeling hard done to'. I'll be glad to get past that part.

As far as crying and being exhausted, justsosad, I don't know how anyone going through this couldn't feel the same. On my bad days, I feel totally hung-over from it. I'm glad I have my work, but my mornings are slow starting, trying to divert my mind from my own problems to helping others with theirs! And then it's difficult to settle down in the evening and get to sleep - maybe because he and I are still under the same roof. I'm so thankful to be moving next week.

Just discovered I'm eligible for legal aid, so am considering seeing a solicitor to see if they can help me with the Petition and financial stuff - our divorce should be the simplest thing in the world, I don't want emotion to cloud my judgment and make things difficult...so, I've taken a huge step and accepted that my marriage is over.

Thanks for the reminder about getting out and doing new things - something I need to do. And sorry to keep taking over your thread with these long posts!!!

Hi

These are really early days for you. You feel shocked, betrayed, frightened, hurt, angry and you don't understand. You probably cry alot, eat alot, or not at all, use cigarettes or, and alcohol as a crutch. You feel you have nothing to live for.

The above are all normal feelings, healthy feelings and feelings you have to go through in order to come out of the whole thing "whole".

I left my ex 3 years ago after he had told me that he had slept with a whole host of women in the first ten years of our relationship. We had been together 20 years. He considered that as he had not cheated for the second half of our relationship, it would be okay and I would have stayed with him.

At first I nearly did stay. But the feelings I had, like those described above, ate at me. I felt I didn't him, that I was stupid not to have seen that I was married to a cheat. We have three girls, who at the time were 11, 13 and 15. I became really ill, on all kids of medication. At the time I was extremely overweight, I was not happy in the marriage anyway, but I would never have left it.

But I realised I could not continue in the marriage even though he begged and pleaded forgiveness. He had made a fool of me, he had lied to me, deceived me and treated me with disrespect. I could forgive, indeed I have, but never forget and therefore I knew I had to get out.

It was hard, very hard, my emotions were all over the place. I wanted to die. I thought the girls would be better off without me.

Fast forward 3 years!!!!! I have lost almost 7 stone in weight, and I have bought a little house for me and the girls. My oldest is at Uni now. Life is great, the past not painful at all. And the ex?????? Well, he continues to ask me to take him back. I say "talk to the hand". I have no feelings whatsoever.

Life is good, life is fun and thank god he told me that he had cheated. Otherwise I would be that huge unhappy woman with a husband with dirty secrets.

You are 30. Loads of time to meet a decent man and have children if you so choose. I had my first daughter at 30 and my youngest at 35 and have a couple of friends who have had children in their 40s.

One day you will be pleased that your husband left when you were relatively young. He will be a distant memory. In the meantime, allow the feelings you are feeling. Cry as much as you need to, get angry, get cross, but never have him back. You are worth more. If you have him back, he will leave again. And you will be back to square one.

It is a shit time of year for this to happen, but just think, by next summer you will be well on the way to feeling loads better and will have a spring in your step.

I promise.

Jo x

Thanks so much to you all for all your posts. Your advice and encouragement is very much appreciated. It's just reassuring to know what I'm feeling is normal and there is light at the end...
Thank you all
x

hi justsosad,
I know what you mean about asking the same questions over and over! I'm at the stage where i'm asking them and giving myself the same answers over and over, sometimes I stop and listen to myself and and think "geez mate, what on earth are you doing?" lol, it's crazy, but I guess it's all part of the process.
Take care