what a terrible xmas

Elle wrote:

Lucretia wrote:

I guess what I am trying to say is by all means give advice but don't make assumptions as to what the other partner is or is not doing.

Proferring experience is by no means giving advice.

E

hmm I know what you mean Elle but do you not think it is a rocky road?
Hawaythelads came out with some pretty cruel assumptions based on his experience.

Lucretia I think you're doing the very thing of which you accuse others. Your first post came across to me very much assuming that the OP is clueless as to his own failings which have driven away his wife, and that he needs to take a long hard look at himself. This might be a simplistic take on it, but that's how it felt to me.

Sure, people are unhappy in marriages but they have a responsibility to communicate openly and work on things together. The OP obviously feels left in the dark, so unless he's completely thick, let's assume his wife isn't communicating openly with him.

Of course there's always the possibility that she knows she is unhappy but hasn't really worked out why or put it into words. Given that she hasn't started divorce proceedings, she may not even be sure what she wants. In any case, we don't need to villify her or assume she's in an affair either.

Meanwhile, the OP is in the position of trying to work out what the hell to do in a situation where he's not sure what's going on and his wife is calling the shots about things. Hearing from a variety of people about how they manage their own feeligs and behaviour in this situation will no doubt offer him some options to think through.

Martra - my ex decided to leave very suddenly having never before raised any issues with me regarding our marriage. I believe I did all I could to offer him thinking time and space to consider whether we could work on it (something he acknowledged to me), but nevertheless he just felt he couldn't work on it.

On the other hand, he found it very difficult to make it absolutely final as well, and wanted to leave the possibility open for a while. I told him I would consider seeing each other again if he changed his mind, but I put my mindset very firmly in the camp that we were separated and started living my life as though that was a permanent thing. We didn't divorce for more than 2 years, but separated our finances and made arrangements in the interim.

You don't need to be divorced to start building a life for yourself, so if you'd like to leave things open for now, you can do that while also investing in your own future emotionally.

Good luck

elvis_fan wrote:

Lucretia I think you're doing the very thing of which you accuse others. Your first post came across to me very much assuming that the OP is clueless as to his own failings which have driven away his wife, and that he needs to take a long hard look at himself. This might be a simplistic take on it, but that's how it felt to me.

Sure, people are unhappy in marriages but they have a responsibility to communicate openly and work on things together. The OP obviously feels left in the dark, so unless he's completely thick, let's assume his wife isn't communicating openly with him.

Of course there's always the possibility that she knows she is unhappy but hasn't really worked out why or put it into words. Given that she hasn't started divorce proceedings, she may not even be sure what she wants. In any case, we don't need to villify her or assume she's in an affair either.

Meanwhile, the OP is in the position of trying to work out what the hell to do in a situation where he's not sure what's going on and his wife is calling the shots about things. Hearing from a variety of people about how they manage their own feeligs and behaviour in this situation will no doubt offer him some options to think through.

Martra - my ex decided to leave very suddenly having never before raised any issues with me regarding our marriage. I believe I did all I could to offer him thinking time and space to consider whether we could work on it (something he acknowledged to me), but nevertheless he just felt he couldn't work on it.

On the other hand, he found it very difficult to make it absolutely final as well, and wanted to leave the possibility open for a while. I told him I would consider seeing each other again if he changed his mind, but I put my mindset very firmly in the camp that we were separated and started living my life as though that was a permanent thing. We didn't divorce for more than 2 years, but separated our finances and made arrangements in the interim.

You don't need to be divorced to start building a life for yourself, so if you'd like to leave things open for now, you can do that while also investing in your own future emotionally.










Whereas what hawathelads did was perfectly fine?

God the double standards on here are laughable.
Go and read what i said again - then read what good old "Pete" said,

Oh I forgot, he is a hero on here isn't he and can do no wrong.
I was trying to give the other person's perspective NOT slag off men. Yet "Pete" is allowed to do what he likes.

Why I bother commenting on here is anyone's guess...

I have questions.

1. She wants to divorce you on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour? What is the unreasonable behaviour she is citing? She will be asked by a brief if she cites these grounds.

2. Why have you not asked her four months down the line aabout not hearing from her solicitor or at least been served papers?




martra wrote:

Just come across your site, am hopping with your support I might actually get through this!
My wife has been distancing me for quite a while, but in September I took our two kids for a week away.On my return I find she has bought a new double bed and am told that under no circomstances am sleeping in it!
since then I have been at my mum and dads.
She wants to divorce me on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour! But here we are four months down the line and I have had nothing from her sol.
We are ok with our contact with the kids, but I can see grounds for divorce being a big stumbling block.
Could go on and on with some of the finer points that are really starting to get me down, but for now thats it.
Hope ,maybe talking things through with some of you guys might help.

Lucretia...

The OP wrote:

I no its only my words on here, but i am not a violent or controlling man, all i have ever done throughout our marridge is try to do thing that she wants and to try and make her happy.

We have to accept at face value what posters put here. Why would we not? We are not here to sit in judgement - we are here to listen and offer positive input if we feel to do so.

If we don't, then there is an argument that we should remain silent...

Shezi

Shezi wrote:

Lucretia...

The OP wrote:

I no its only my words on here, but i am not a violent or controlling man, all i have ever done throughout our marridge is try to do thing that she wants and to try and make her happy.

We have to accept at face value what posters put here. Why would we not? We are not here to sit in judgement - we are here to listen and offer positive input if we feel to do so.

If we don't, then there is an argument that we should remain silent...

Shezi

But people sit in judgement all of the time on here - OMG can't you see that?

There was a woman on here who poured her soul out because she was in an abusive marriage and was having an affair. OMG didn't she get hauled over the coals. Then a man had a similar situation and it was all "there there".
I ( unlike the superhero) am judging no one. I am merely trying to say that the OP may well have done something that caused his marriage to end - a cumulative affect. It has to be pretty dire if his wife will not let him in the bed. But NO on to the bandwagon we all jump - SHE must have been unfaithful, SHE is everything that is wrong.
Sorry but IMHO this is not what this site should be about.
You tell me what is so positive in Pete's post. Tell me what is so non judgemental? It is an outpouring of rage and bitterness and I for one was offended reading it. Tell me how it will help the original poster?

As I say, double standards on here... if your face fits, fine. If it doesn't, god help you.

Although I wouldn't use the same phraseology as Lucretia, I have to say she does have a point - as much as we might wish she didn't. It does seem some days that its a bit of a lottery what sort of response someone is going to get on their post. It often depends on who the first posters are and their bias and prejudices (which we all have - that's human nature)as to what direction a thread is going to take, whether someone is going to get unalloyed support or sometimes almost villification.

I think the important thing is that people should jump in and give an alternative view, as this is always helpful, although it should be given in as kind a manner as possible because as Lucretia says we don't know both sides of the story and unkindness is never helpful.