Wonder what happened to the modern Man?

Well here I am. For all to read. Mr nice guy, Jack of all trades master of none.
No job, a long term illness for my Daughter who I look after.
I supported my wife for years through her

.... "Depression"...

She was even in the hospital for it when our Daughter was very young. I juggled a full time job then. Also childcare housework and regular visits to her.
She said they were all that held her together at the time.
Drugs, would I like to blame them...
On this, off that, try them etc. Her brain could have been pickled over the years for all I know. The main reason why we never had more than one kid was the prescribed happy drugs side effects risks.

You think you know someone... trust them more than you do yourself.

Yes I got all the right words from her. "Its not you its me, I will get through it. We will laugh about this in years to come".
Lots of time went by till one day she out of the blue says. "I can't live a lie anymore. I want to move out".
I think of that day often, I am sure its a line they use in soap operas. I didn't want her to start using me as the cause of her mysery. She had previously tried that with everything else. Even the dogs death went with that bag of worms. A month or two went by till she could get a flat. Whenever I said anything about it she would get arrogant. I helped her move in, gave her the car. I thought she neded to see how much I cared and the time appart to sort out what she wanted.
After 2 weeks I had kept asking if she was Ok, fixed a tyre on the car for her. Gave her a loan. Then I got the truth. Mr Right apparently works with her, is moving in and that she was no longer any of my concern.
She accused me of being happy. By then our Daughter had been ill for 3years. How she could say I was I will never know.
So what happened to the modern man... he got played. For all he is worth. I know it. Still getting played and theres nothing I can do about it without upsetting the one person left in the world I care about. She visits our Daughter when she wants. I think she is trying to be her friend not a real parent. I get that job.
Anybody out there not happy about not getting the house in the deal. It's more like a prison to me lots of stuff done in here to please her. If only I could trade bricks for years.

So in the end the modern man for me is nothing more than a doormat.

It's been an 18 year story 2 years since she left now so I am thinking about the big D. I just don't know if I have enough left in me to take it on. I never even speak to her now. The once treasured memorys just haunt what spirit I have left. I need all I have of that till my Daughter is better. That's another story in itself.

Treadin Water

Firstly - Welcome to Wiki - the site is a great source of help, advice, information and support to many, I hope that you, like me, will benfit from using the site.

There appears to be several issues here - your wife's depression, your daughter's illness, your feeling of having been used, the lack of support for your daughter and yourself,


You seem sceptical of your wife's depression. I know it is extremely difficult living with someone who has depression, and it is also difficult living with your own depression. Many of us here have lived with our own, or a spouse's depression, so you are not alone in that. from what you have written, it appears that your wife had been unhappy for a long time, and so have you.


Your daughter's illness - you do not say what that illness is. Having lived with a long-term chronic illness myself for over 4 years, I do sympathise with you. are there local support groups who could offer practical and emotional support? Prehaps some respite care if needed? You say your wife only visits when she wants, prehaps she finds it difficult to visit, it is distressing to see your child suffering, you will understand that. Prehaps you could encourage your wife to visit more often, this would give you a short break from your caring role.

When coming out of a bad marriage, we do tend to feel "used", this does not make you a "doormat" as you put in your post, nor does it mean you are weak. From what you have written, you appear to be very suportive of your daughter. It is natural to feel anger and despair, during the breakdown of a marriage, we, on here, know those emotions only too well!

I wont kid you - divorce is a long and emotionally draining journey, and only you will know if it is the right one for you. Whatever you decide, I wish you well, and please keep posting to let us know how you are.

Ruby

I echo what RubyTuesday has said. It is totally understandable why you are depressed, (caring for ill people can make carers' themselves quite ill).

After two years though, maybe it is time to face the 'D' issue. (I understand that right now, you can't even say the word fully). However, you also mention that the house has too many memories, and I don't think that's a 'well place' for you and your daughter to be living.

In any financial resolution, the needs of the child come first, and the parent with care (PWC) Since your wife has obviously moved on, and has sorted her 'needs to re-housing' herself, you do stand in good stead to go forward and find a new life for yourself and divorce. By not acknowleging this, you stay 'stuck' and prevent yourself moving on.

I'd wished for a Magic Wand when my husband said he wanted a divorce, I was numb. But time heals, and life goes on, and there are no magic wands.

Once he actually filed for the Divorce, I began to actually welcome the situation, knowing I'd be free from the shackles of depression just thinking about the process.

You have taken the first steps to your new life, and loads of like-minded people here share these experiences, so feel free to vent and share our experiences.

The process may take 18 months or so, but after that, you could buy a new house and start a new life.

You did your best for 18 years, but you had a life before her, and you'll have a life after, however hard that might be to believe right now.

My eldest brother is Bi-Polar, (in-and-out of hospitals for more than 25yrs) I love him, always will, but I coudln't live with his illness, and when he's on a 'downer' I get the greif and it hurts and I cry. I became his whipping-boy for all the ills of the world in his worped mind. You need to step aside, I dount her new man will fare any better, and if she's not dealt with her own issues, I doubt he'd want to Inherit them.

Good luck, keep us posted.
Sera
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Thanks to you both for your input.

My Daughter has M.E. (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis), also known as Chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS). This year she will be 18.
The house we life in is a bungalow so you see it would be better for her to stay here. Also when my wife moved out she set it up so my Daughter has her half of the house. So she has a say. I have suggested that we move but she just isn't capable of doing so. I would want to go far away from here that's for sure. That will mean more conflict from my wife or upset my Daughter who can't visit her mother. If she was well enough to manage to do even basic things I would have gone before now.

Getting a break from the caring was an idea that I thought would help.
2 years ago some good friends organised a trip away. They convinced me that it would be good for me. So I arranged for my wife to take the caring on for the week. When I got back I was confronted by my wife for thanks... I didn't even have the chance to put my bag down. I did thank her (I think it was the shock). My mood hit the floor quicker than you could say it, any benefit I had for going away vanished. I felt all my burdens back squarely on my shoulders again with an extra one added.
So far in the 2 and a half years that has passed since she moved out she has not thanked me once. I haven't been away for more than 2 nights since, if I do I tell my Daughter to ask her mother if she wants her to do it. I stress that I will not thank her again for looking after her own; also I will get someone to do it willingly if she doesn't.

You see how the illness is only making this worse. Even had a play in the affair I recon too. The only times we got out on a night were when we went out separately with friends. The other stayed in to do the caring.

It would have been better for me if we had arguments before she left. We had a knack of sorting out anything between us. But I now know it's because I gave in all the time to show my support for her.

I know I will get over this part in my life. I don't really regard myself as depressed either. People do recover from M.E. even though no Doctor can tell me why or when. It's more the betrayal or frustration of loosing faith in something I believed in heart and soul... My Family.

Having attended most of the therapy sessions my wife had when allowed by the Dr. I think I am well able to understand about depression. Drs said they never found out why she ended up depressed. "If we could we would have got a lot further" I recall him saying. It was why they had to fall back on the drugs. Otherwise she would have ended up in hospital on a permanent basis.
Yes I do get down, but who wouldn't when their life gets flushed away like this. But I say that because of my circumstances I am firmly on the repressed side and not depressed.

Hi Treadin Water


I have had M.E. for 4.5 years, so fully understand the nature of the illness. I believe that unless you have lived with someone who has it, or are a sufferer yourself, you can never understand the true impact of this long-term chronic illness. Yes, people do recover from ME, but as you say, no-one is able to say when. You must cling on to that small peice of hope - I know it is what keeps me going, despite my symptoms having worsned over the last 16 months - although I should point out that it is rare for ME symptoms to get worse after a long period. (I never did do things the easy way!). what treatments has your daughter tried? There are a wide range of alternative treatments available that do help ME sufferers, and although not all available on the NHS, are drug-free and well worth a try. Massage is one that works very well.

Sadly, ME is a little-understood illness, even within the medical proffession, but there is research ongoing within the USA, and hopefully the UK Govt and medical proffession will see fit to use this research to help people like your daughter and I.

have you contacted your local Occupational health dept? They have many items that may help your daughter to do more for herself, and may have the contact details of any local support groups.

It is frustrating looking after someone who used to be more than capable of doing everything for themselves, prehaps your wife would benefit from some support from a local ME group too - this may help to approach the care of your daughter with a fresh outlook. It is also frustrating having this damned illness - so a better understanding from your wife would help your daughter.

I have put a couple of links below that may help you - I have used these sites myself.

I wish you well

Ruby

www.meassociation.org.uk/

www.nmec.org.uk/index.html

www.ayme.org.uk/

Hi rubytuesday

The length of time my Daughter has had M.E. is now 6 years.
I must admit that I had never heard of it before she was admitted to hospital. That is explained by experts in the field by the way it mimics Polio. Since that is now virtually eliminated in the modern world this has come to light.
The worst symptom she had at that time were very severe headaches. At first these frankly baffled diagnosis. It was only after being diagnosed by a leading Dr in this illness were we able to go forward.
I know all the support groups. We live in the same town where one of them is based. I live in a street where a girl had a very long spell of it. I don't have any issues with the support from them. It's very assuring to hear the tales of those who get better through them. Only those who suffer will know what I mean when I say only you have to live with it.
We have been through the alternatives therapy route. Even revisited a few. We never found anything that did anything though. You get no guarantees so you don't get your money back either. I am not a fan of these snake oil cures but if one worked I would likely fly its flag.
As I said before I am convinced this will be behind us in the future. This doesn't change the fact that I got stuck with the job due to my nature.

Thanks for your input though. As I also said she isn't capable of looking after herself yet so it looks as if I will be unable to do what I want to do with my life until she does improve.

Then I will change my username to swimming for the shore.

Treadin,... well done you in doing the best for your daughter, (whilst the ex sounds like she's putting her own needs first).

Here's something funny I'd been given from my local Carers Association. I'd joined when I was caring for my terminally ill mum, (she died Summer 2004). I have three brothers, but only I took any day-to-day care, hospital trips, shopping etc during her illness.

Eventually I became tired and stressed, especially since I adored mum and found my brothers indifference to her illness quite disappointing (excuse: "can't visit this weekend - start of the cricket season") Even as she lay on her death bed - I got "just cooking tea, then got to find the cats, feed them, then we'll come to the hospital") !!!

The Carers Society gave me free counselling, and they cared for my welfare, if I went in and they said "Sera, how are you"? I'd reply "Mums needed a blood transfussion again"... they'd again request to know how I was, (not mum!) Being a full-time carer means you focus on their needs instead of our own.

They gave me a leaflet when I mentioned my brothers behaviour, it was called 'THE SELFISH PIGS GUIDE TO CARING" (suggesting that many people find it just too much sense of responsibility to bother, knowing someone else is!)

Coupled with your wifes depressive illness, you (being the only carer now) need to concentrate on your well-being.

We're here for the rest!
Sera

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