Trying so hard but its getting to me.

Hello Everyone

Hope you dont mind a miserable person joining he he.I have lately felt so alone and have never in my life felt so hopeless.

I have seen woman in my family go through absolute hell through divorce and custudy over there children and came to learn how difficult it is for women when they are alone and fully appreciate its not always easy and they sometimes have such a hard time.

Recently I have also learnt through my partner how in some circumstances men can have it hard to. My partner has 2 children who he loves and would do anything for. His x partner likes to be in control and will constantly go out of here way to try and prove she is in charge of the girls.

He has had the following commenst.

You take what I offer or nothing.

U only see them because I let U.

U R just the babysitter

U have no rites

She has taught the girls to sware at daddy and call me names.

she has changed there surnames

she has changed the times of access etc 5 times.

We arranged to take them away and she almost booked a holiday at the same time and said she would of took them with her anyway. Even thoughthis had been planned for 6 weeks.

She constantly says he cant see them then changes her mind the next day.

She has even reported him to the CSA claiming he doesnt pay when infact we have proof that he does.

When arguments begin she shouts and screams down the phone and will send horrible texts all night. EG send a photo and rights take a good look at you kids cause it will be the last time.

I am finding it so hard, at the mo. We are now going to court hopeing that it will make life abit easier.

Does any1 have any advice because I dont know what to do or what to expect.

She has declined mediation.

Oh dear, inconsistent behaviour is a sure sign the ex-partner is having difficulty readjusting. There is no point in trying to appease,reason or negotiate with someone when they are emotionally unavailable.

As I said on another thread recently what will help is maintaining clear physical and emotional boundaries and you and your partner focusing on your own behaviour eg not reacting to threats or criticisms. The best defense is strengthening his relationship by continuing to reassure the children he loves them, the door is always open so they can talk, not reacting if the children say negative things your ex has told them about him or you, him spending a lot of time with them without you being present, avoiding saying negative things about the ex etc. During time he spends with the children it helps to focus on positive activities, and reminisce with the children about previous good times they had together.

Although going to court is sometimes unavoidable it does tend to lead to resentment and resistance which isn't helpful. Advice will depend upon whether the court action is for contact or shared residency. At the initial hearing your partner and his ex might see a CAFCASS (the organisation which advises court on child related matters) officer if one is in court that day. The judge may make an arrangement in the interim and direct CAFCASS to report on the situation. Contact is the right of children, not the parents. The court's interest is only the children and it will give regard to the Welfare Checklist ;

(a)the ascertainable wishes and feelings of the child concerned (considered in the light of his age and understanding);

(b)his physical, emotional and educational needs;

(c)the likely effect on him of any change in his circumstances;

(d)his age, sex, background and any characteristics of his which the court considers relevant;

(e)any harm which he has suffered or is at risk of suffering;

(f)how capable each of his parents, and any other person in relation to whom the court considers the question to be relevant, is of meeting his needs;

(g)the range of powers available to the court under this Act in the proceedings in question.

In the context of the Children Act 1989 risk of harm relates to;-

punishing a child too much

hitting or shaking a child

constantly criticising, threatening or rejecting a child

sexually interfering with or assaulting a child

not looking after a child - not giving them enough to eat, ignoring them, not playing or talking with them or not making sure that they are safe.

Thankyou for taking the time to respond. Its a difficult one because he isnt going for full costudy he wouldnt do that unless he felt the children were coming to any harm. Its just almost like she wants to be incontroll all the time and prove that he has no say over the kids. He used to have them at her house over nite at her request because we live with my parents then she changed her mind and said she wanted him to have them at my house so she could stay at home on weekends which we agreed to. She shouted at me when we first got togather because she said I dont bother with them, although at the time we had only been togather 4 weeks so I didnt feel it was appropriate untill we had been togather longer.But I did do as she said and got to know them.

They do know me now and they like me they are only 2 so unfortunatley cannot speak for themselves so when mummy says daddy gone away so you cant see him they cant question it.

I am just hoping going to court will set down some stable rules that we all have to go by.

Hi Leigh, my husband's first wife denied him access to their daughter, stalked him, wrecked his car etc etc. He paid her £500 a month for one child and eventually he lost the plot and stopped paying. She reported him to the CSA who assessed what he should pay, and it came back 50% lower than what he was paying. She went bonkers. Basically, the child suffered because she couldn't see her Daddy and if she wanted to see him, she was made to feel bad.

In the end, he walked away, which I think was the hardest thing he has ever had to do. His daughter was 15 and he could only hope that as long as he kept his side of the bargain financially, that in time, she would come to understand.

And that's what's happened. They are just embarking on a relationship now, and at the age of 20, she has recognised that her mother lied and cheated and cost her 5 years of life without her Dad.

I don't know how old your partner's kids are, but it's a toss up between removing yourself from the picture and still letting the kids know that you love them. Very thin line indeed.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Thankyou for replying

We have had such a hard time lately and its nice to talk to someone dont get me wrong my partner is always there for me 100% but I don't want to keep bothering him.

His children are 2 and a half my only hope is abit like your partners child when they are older they will get a mind of there own and things may get easier. I am hoping the court may help abit.

I never realised it could be so hard for the men. One of his daughters have recently had and accident and has stiches in her face. So his x has said he cant see either of them this week.

I just dont understand she's ok and walking around but its just another way to show control. I wouldnt mind but when the accident happened she was in her mothers care and her mother wasnt watching her if it would have happened while she was with us she would have gone mad.

I think it's useful to try and see things from the other side's perspective. The children are very young and the ex-partner has most likely a strong bond with them. I'm not saying the father hasn't a strong bond, but it will be different.

I remember when I had our children initially it was unthinkable to be apart from them but my ex, who had taken the week off work to help, quite happily went away and played golf for the day. By the time the children were two I was happy to pass them around a bit but if I'm honest they were always in the back of my thoughts and I still found it difficult to relax or concentrate being away from them whereas my ex had no difficulty. In a family 'system' this is a natural way which provides children with a very in tune parent for security and a complimentary parent who provides a bridge to the extended family and eventually society at large. Both roles are equally important.

So from your partner's ex POV she has to contend with their relationship breaking down, letting go of the children and the idea you are part of their lives. Perhaps she feels somewhat under threat and defensive - "Fear of loss is the path to the darkside" [Yoda] If your partner enters into a cycle of recrimination and provocation the conflict will be ongoing and very detrimental for the children's emotional well being. On the other hand if your partner can remain reasonable and calm these things tend to pass and a routine does settle after the initial chaos, but it does take time. Good luck.

PS I don't think this is an issue where just men are on the receiving end.

No I agree both men and women get it hard.

I can understand its hard for her but on the same level where does that leave my boyfriend he doesnt know when he's going to see them etc and none of this was his fault.

I really do feel sorry for her but why does she have to lie and cheat and whats my boyfriend supposed to do wait at the end of the phone until she changes her mind which is whats happening at the mo.

It is so hard