Hi & Please be gentle!

Hi Scotbob,

I don't think I've ever encountered such a clearly thought-through and rational approach to such an emotive situation. Very well done on getting them all this far. You obviously care a great deal about everyone's emtional well-being.

I wouldn't know where to start on advice for someone else's residency, but you've made an excellent start: your children are now aware of the situation and feel supported, your partner is still talking to you, still trying to find the right solution.

Just don't forget you in all this, you need support too and this is a great place to be for that. Incidentally, how did the m-i-l take it?

Take care

Shez

Scotbob,

I'm glad your weekend went as well as it could. We will all have slightly different views on this and there is no right or wrong, but I will share my experiences.

My sons (15 + 12) spend a week with me and then a week with their mum. Not ideal and the comments about moving stuff are correct. However they have two homes that are about 300 yards apart, pretty much two lots of clothes etc so they only have to move a crate with their school stuff, phones and PSPs (ie the essentials). It works pretty well for us and gives us that free time that has been talked about.

Your suggested idea of the parents moving house on alternate weeks rather than the children sounds awful to me - you will not get your own space which you will need to move on.

Good luck and keep your mind open to al things for the kids sake.

GF

Hi Shez

Despite my internal emotional turmoil I'm trying to be as rational and maybe even a bit detached from the situation in order to give me as much clarity as possible. I know that if I allow too much emotion through then I'll go to pieces - something I can't allow to happen - yet!

The MIL was not thrilled - she is determined that either I or OH have a hidden partner, despite our denials. Other family members and friends have expressed extreme shock - we have been very careful not to let anyone know there has been a problem up to now so it's come as a major surprise.

The hardest hit has been my 91 y.o. gran, who lost both her own kids (my mum & uncle, both under 60), and who we believe has only remained alive since then due to our own family unit and her great-grandkids.


Hi also Goofyfoot

Our main concern is to keep our kids happy - this is why we're willing to try what sounds like awful living arrangement for ourselves - for the time being our needs are on the back boiler! If we both agree after a while that it's unworkable then we'll consider alternative options. Our other worry initially is cost - we're by no means well off so running a full 2nd home is not financially practical.


Anyway, we've arranged with Family mediation for initial consultations next Thursday but, due to our remote location, this is going to have to take place by telephone! Got to go and read up on this process now but if anyone has any tips then please feel free to post or PM me.

Thanks

How are you getting in touch with family mediation? I need a number!

Hi GM

I simply Googled it - family mediation and added my region for good measure, although by going through the main site you should find somewhere more local anyway.

Best o' luck

my view for what its worth kids need stability safety and above all security after their world has been shattered.I include my child in that.kids will go along with whatever is decided for tham at your kids ages but in my view shared care is not int the childrens best interest.how on earth can it be think back to your own childhood would have been really great feeling like a ping pong ball.kids need to know where they belong and where home is.As they get bigger thier friends will be a big part of their life and they will want to be at home seeing friends etc.parents need to put kids needs first not their own fears and insecurities.

Hi J4T

Having cogitated, amended and discussed the plans with the kids they say they're happy as it means they get 2 bedrooms as well as happy parents! We've also come up with a solid routine for the 50/50 split which even my OH admits to being do-able. It closely mirrors the time we currently spend with them with activities, etc. but, where the 4 of us would normally be together for much of it, there will only be 3 at any one time. My OH will see them every day, even when I've got them (her main stipulation), and I'll see them more than I do already (my main stipulation).

The town we live in is small (pop: 8000 ish) and can be walked from one corner to the other in 20 minutes at reasonable pace. They will still be able to see their current friends, and will probably make new ones at the other house anyway, and still go to the same school, so we've ensured that very little will change for them.

No doubt as they grow up and become more independent they'll choose which parent they want to spend time with but we're going to do our darndest to ensure they continue to feel comfortable and happy with both.

For what it's worth, both myself and OH come from broken homes, albeit with very different stories, so this was not a decision we've entered into lightly. Our only priority initially was to come to a mutual agreement on what was best for the kids and ourselves. In no way have we put our needs above those of our kids.