Hi & Please be gentle!

Hi All

Just at the very start of a jointly agreed separation. Both still being civil at present but already hitting a wall regarding our two kids.

At present we're still living in the same house, and this weekend is the crunch when we tell the kids, which isn't going to be easy - they're 6 and 8.

As we've always, since day 1, shared the load with regards to the kids, I feel we should at least try for a 50/50 arrangement to see how it works - I'm thinking we could both have them a week about - changing over during our weekly swimming pool visit.

I'm self employed so can work my business around school times, etc. and I don't work weekends - I believe I could work like a trojan during my off week leaving me available for the kids coming out of school.

OH currently doesn't work full time - she has a 2-evening-a-week job at a local restaurant; but her main income comes from WFTC and Child Benefit, both of which she gets 100% off. She knows the WFTC will end and she'll need a job, but realises she'll only be able to work say 9am - 2.30pm as she'll need to be there for the kids coming out of school during her on week.

So, my first question to the board is, what's the best way to convince her that 50/50 is a) workable and b) the best thing for the kids? Any perils or pitfalls anyone can envisage then please feel free to chip in.

Once the arrangement with the kids is sorted, the next saga will be the financials - now that's gonna be messy

P.S. Just in case it's relevant, we're in Scotland!

HI Bob,
Welcome to wiki and well done for staying civil and putting the kids first.
Not in a position to comment re kids, but well versed that Scottish family law is very different to that of Eng and wales where fathers have been hammered more in recent times you may like to hear. keeping lawyers out as much as possible would be my advice (see my blog on why I self repped) but thats not to say they are all bad or not required.
Best of luck
Elle (scotland)

With most child related issues there is no right or wrong, just parents doing different things and often with separated families ideals need to be compromised to reach a working solution. Deciding arrangements isn't about fairness, rights or equality or "What do I want or what do I want my ex-spouse not to have" it's about the children.

The best way to maintain a relationship with children is by respecting the other parent and supporting their parenting. With this in mind if you cannot agree mediation is the best way to resolve matters (google Family Mediation Scotland) Attilla has posted a useful list of contact dos and don'ts in the past if you search them and there is a website for fathers with a good section about separation;

www.dad.info/separation/

Not quite sure why you said WTC will end unless it is completely diffferent to WTC in England it will continue and when she becomes a lone parent she will receive more child tax credit plus her extra working tax element and if she does more than 30hrs she will also get a premium for that

Thanks Elle & Fiona for those supportive words. I discussed with the OH the importance of showing the kids that we both still love them equally and that our relationships with them will not change - to this she wholeheartedly agreed. Yet when I subsequently suggested that a 50/50 agreement would prove it to them she jumped down my throat saying it would never work and that SHE couldn't live without the kids for a whole week. When I then said 'Me neither' it was dismissed as though I didn't have a choice. She seem's so sure that whatever she wants she's going to get that she doesn't even want to discuss other options.

However, one chink is that she's agreed to go to Family Mediation - something she'd refused previously, preferring to go straight to court! I'm hopeful that if I can state my case well, and have suitable answers to all the questions, that I'll give myself a fighting chance to, at least, get her to give it a go to see if it can work. I know that if we can't agree in mediation then it'll end up in court and the chances of coming out still on speaking terms then would be next to nil.

One thing that really gets me is that she keeps saying 'The courts usually favour the mother' and that she's the primary caregiver, yet when we did the maths we found that, if it's based on hours alone with the kids, then I currently fulfill that role! She didn't like this being pointed out to her I can tell you. Finally for now, the fact that she has used these phrase repeatedly makes me think someone else is feeding her tho' I know she has a recently separated male friend, and yes I did/do wonder if there's anything going on there, not that it makes any difference.

Ah well ~ we've got telling the kids this weekend, then maybe start on the family, and we'll make contact with the Family Mediation at the start of the week.

Hope everyone else has a nicer weekend planned

whatnow wrote:

Not quite sure why you said WTC will end unless it is completely different to WTC in England it will continue and when she becomes a lone parent she will receive more child tax credit plus her extra working tax element and if she does more than 30hrs she will also get a premium for that

Thanks for your contribution. I was under the impression that WFTC was for families, and that, because it's based on how many hours I currently work, after separation that would stop unless she gets a job and works at least 16 hours a week.

BTW her 2-evening-a-week job is cash in hand and I'm not even sure if she's declaring it - I fill in my half of the WFTC form then she fills in her half and sends it off. However, my main concern is the kids for now, so I'll leave the finances until later posts.

Hi Bob.
Crunch time here this weekend as well, as we are going to tell our 9yr old son about us splitting up.
Similar to you, living in the same house and remaining civil to each other in front of him, but banging my head against the wall when he's not around.
Can't answer any of your questions as new to this game as well, but just to let you know that I'm in exactly the same boat.
Good luck telling the Children
Neutron