Miscarriage and it's over?

Hi,
I hope it's OK to be writing here. I'm so sad and scared at the moment and don't know what's going on in my life.
I have been married for nearly six years after meeting my American husband in the US. We spent our 20s together in California and London and have basically had the most wonderful time. All of my friends adore him and say how lucky I am.
Recently I had a miscarriage and unfortunately it has turned out to be complicated and I now need chemotherapy (I won't go into it here, probably TMI!) Anyway, he says that he feels that now we have lost the baby and as we were planning on buying our first home, but hadn't quite got there, he needs some space. He loves the attention he gets in London and I'm sure he's looking for someone else, someone happy and uncomplicated- I have been beyond depressed so I can see what he might be thinking.
I don't know whether this is circumstantial, perhaps we can get better, but should I even consider staying with a man who can't support me through chemo never mind a miscarriage?
I'm 31 and petrified of starting again, but I guess the fact I'm even on this site means I'm starting to face reality.
Thanks,it's so helpful to be even writing this
Sadandscared x

sadandscared,
You are very welcome to write here or anywhere. Welcome to Wikivorce. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through at the moment.

A miscarriage in itself is more than enough to contend with, but chemo and a husband that needs space (WHAT??????) would be enough to push anyone over the edge.

Deep breath. Pause. Where to begin? What kind of man is he that lets his wife go through this stuff alone? I take it that you are in California and he is in London at the moment?

31 is a baby. Don't even think about your age. You have got decades to go yet. I'm 46 and feeling pretty chipper about it. I wasn't 9 months ago, but hey ho - that is what the great people here do to you.

You need to get yourself well first. And worrying yourself silly about him and the future doesn't help that wellbeing.

There are lots of people here who have gone through all kinds of things and will reach out to you - take that help and advice.

You really are not alone here. And you are very welcome.

Keep on posting and take care of yourself

Mike

Mike is right - though I would put it more strongly: if he can't support you through a miscarriage and chemotherapy then you certainly don't want to have children with him. It's not at all surprising that you are feeling terrible, but a man worth loving would stick with you, not run off to have a good time elsewhere.

As Mike says, you are still young, even though you don't feel it at the moment, and you will have plenty of other chances of love. What you need to do now is get yourself healthy and get through this. Don't even worry about starting divorce proceedings until you feel a bit stronger. They can wait.

Best wishes,
Sadie

Sadandscared -

Hugs for you, hun. You are going through a very tramatic time just now,and I empathise with you.

Firstly - the miscarriage and chemo. Anyone who has been through a miscarraige will understand how you are feeling right now, but will also tell you that the pain will ease with time. Have you been offered counselling? Trying to accept what has happened is difficult, and counselling will help with that. When I had my miscarriage, I couldnt talk to my partner about it, and he didnt seem to want to, or be able to talk about what had happened,please try to talk to your husband, get him to talk to you, this has affected both of you, and he may be finding it hard to open up. There are support groups for those who have had miscarraiges, both online and locally, talking to others may help. If you allow each other too much space, then the gap may too wide to bridge in future (I speak from my own experience on this.)

Please dont make any hasty decsions that may not be the right one, allow time to heal, or lessen the pain you are both feeling right now, and remember you are not alone, there is always someone here at Wiki who will know what you are going through to some degree, and willing to support you.

Take Care

ruby xx

I really feel for you sadandscard but you have come to the right place .... in the couple of weeks since I joined I have found great strength and support .... its whats kept me sane.

It may be that your man is sad and scared also.... but that is no excuse .... no matter what he is feeling, he should be putting that aside and focussing on you.

Now, you pick yourself up, take one minute, one hour and one day at a time and deal with that. As long as you deal with now, the future can take care of itself.

Big hugs to you.

There's a lot of people here if you need us.
J

Hi sadandscared,

I'm new to this too and can't believe how many people have reached out to help me thru this site.

I'm sending u a big hug and I'd say thats really what u need right now, love and support. If u haven't got that where u r from friends and family then come on here. It's also great to talk to people who don't know u and get a new view on a situation.

I agree with the other postings, don't make any hasty decisions; get some counselling if it is available and let your husband know that he can get support too - he may just be shutting down because he is upset about the loss both of you have suffered, even pushing u away because he feels he is hurting too much to help you. Of course, he may just be an insensitive xxxxxxx, but if your friends think he is wonderful and there have been no other signs, maybe give him a chance to explain.

Keep us posted, thinking of you

Scared x x

I can't thank you enough for all of your replies. I had been feeling so alone and unworthy.
We are both in England at the moment. Actually, when we found that we were expecting our baby we were on our way back to the US. When I discovered I was going to need more care and then chemo we decided to stay in England. That was 2 months ago and we've being staying with my parents, which I know is a huge problem for him of course.
We were planning to rent a flat in london but again tonight he has come to me to say he needs space. I have tried everything, convincing him it will be OK to begging him not to go right this moment. I also feel he shouldn't be off having 'space' when I'm going through this.
Is it worse though to be around someone who you know doesn't truely want to be there?
So so so many thanks for your replies. It is amazing to know there are people there who care and won't get mad if I cry!
x