Just want out - my story so far

Hi All,

I’ve used forums for debt problems, baby stuff and I never thought divorce but here I am! I’m Natasha and I am desperate to end my marriage, here goes. . .

I got married December 2007, to a man who I thought was amazing, honest, sincere and most of all kind (does this sound familiar!?). We moved away from all our friends and family to start a new life in Norfolk to enable us to have our two horses at home. To start with life was good, except I left a really good job to move and was therefore unemployed. I suppose looking back I was incredibly depressed and ended up with so little money I had to declare myself bankrupt. Again looking back, despite knowing my financial situation my husband took me for a real ride. I remember a silly incident where I had left £10 out for him to get a coffee while out on the road, travelling late – literally my last £10. Instead he spent it on his lunch which he could have used his work credit card for. Anyhow after I declared myself bankrupt I found a job, a really awful one! I was on less than half what I had been on previously, and my boss was the biggest ass going! Anyhow I soldiered on! We then decided we would try for a baby and I fell pregnant incredibly quickly – within two weeks of starting this job. So I decided to stay in the job to get maternity pay. I thought we both desperately wanted the baby, and he seemed really happy, telling family etc. Anyhow I started to get a little suspicious, it must have been really obvious because I trusted him so completely. I walked in on him one night clutching his phone, he virtually had a heart attack when I walked in on him and switched it off quickly saying he was calling his brother!
At my three month scan I found out I had miscarried the baby, and he/she was only 9.5 weeks old. Four days later I miscarried properly, and have never been in so much agony. While I paced the floor slamming doors and turning lights on at 2am, my devoted husband laid on his back snoring. Four days after that, I don’t know why I did but I checked his emails and got the proof I needed. Over the course of a month there were a lot of emails to some woman. Incredibly graphic sickening emails. I called him over, and asked him what they were. He went ballistic! Really aggressive, nasty, told me he didn’t want me looking at his emails!! (I bet). I packed up some things and left for a few days.
He phoned me at my mum’s and came and saw me. It transpired that he had known this woman for 10 years, and that he had been calling, texting and emailing her for a few weeks while I was pregnant. He was incredibly aggressive to me during this time, storming off, calling me names etc. My Mum just said its guilt and its how he is dealing with it. I went back for a few days, and was in bits. Constantly crying and depressed. I remember sitting at the kitchen table in tears, being told that he was going to get counselling, and I had to be prepared in maybe a week, a month or a years time for him to come back and tell me it was my fault! He continued to be incredibly nasty and unpleasant, almost like he had had a full lobotomy. He told me that the rose I bought to say goodbye to our baby was nothing to do with him and he hadn’t been consulted! All while I was in bits, streaming with tears. I woke up four days after I went back and thought I have had enough. I don’t know what gave me the courage to see that I just didn’t know this man and more to the point I really didn’t want to know. I walked into his study and told him I was going. Again I got verbal abuse, he told me we could separate for a year and then I could have a divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. He then stormed out.
So I packed up my things, got my two horses out (after a fight that he would sell one!) put my dog in the car and drove back to my Mum’s. I haven’t really heard from him since. I was in bits for the first few days and ended up on medication so that I could sleep. I really wanted to tell him I had left, not because of the ‘incident’ with the woman, but because of the intolerable cruelty I suffered at his hands, just days after I lost the baby. Anyhow, I am in a better place. I am job hunting back home, I have my circle of friends back and my Mum has been amazing.
Sorry its incredibly long winded! I guess it helps to get it down on paper! Anyhow I am hoping to petition for divorce exactly 1year and 1 day after we were married on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. As a passing unpleasant remark he said we needed to be separated for a year, but as far as I understand on grounds of unreasonable behaviour I can petition after 1 year of marriage? Is this the case?

Thanks for sticking with this!

N

You poor love. You have been in a sad,sad place. Make sure you grieve properly for your baby that was never meant for this world. Allow yourself to say 's'cuse me, I was grieving & you were not there for me.' The personal baby issue & the finding out of the other woman may combine to make you extra vulnerable. They are separate issues and you are unlucky to get them at the same time. I cannot help but send you support and love at this time.
Practically - You have to have been married a year (You have.) and lack of emotional support, especially in your circumstances, is unreasonable behaviour.

Hi Natasha
'Unreasonable beahviour' at its best by the sounds of it:ohmy:
Sorry to hear about the loss of your baby, that is an issue which at the moment seems brushed a bit to one side, make sure you grieve properly and get the support you need. It may take a while for the shock of the loss of your baby to show itself.
What an evil, uncaring man, and you might at some point, when things are not so fast and furious feel a bit silly getting involved with him. This is a normal reaction (talking experience here) I unfortunately became attached, not married, to a right 'twat' to put it mildly and I do on occasions cringe when I think back. Why did I do it, well it is probably becausing you are a trusting, nice person.
These kind of men have a fantastic way of acting, and luring you into thinking they are marvellous. You got sucked in. Taking you so far away, isolating you, watching you suffer, sorry no excuse for him for any of that!!! Completely selfish.
Thank goodness you have your mother to help you through.
Wiki is a great place for venting your anger, telling us your troubles and asking for help and advice.
You will be asked a bit more information concerning your financial situation, re house etc, this is so that your needs will be taken into account.
You take care and remember we are here to help you.
good luck
Zara

Hi Natasha

How awful, I really don't know how you've coped, but you have and things can only get better for you now. It's hard to believe that the loving, caring person you married could turn into a cold, heartless bully almost overnight, especially when you were going through the trauma of losing a baby.

Wishing you luck and happiness. Keep posting so we all know how you're getting on.

Best wishes

Mad x

Hi Natasha

It may not seem so at this time but you have done a brave thing - you have allowed yourself a second chance. There are millions of people out there trapped in abusive relationships who feel incapable or not strong enough to escape.

Your Mum loves you and wants you to be happy - I have recently discovered myself, that despite being a grown woman you can ask your parents for help. They don't mind.

I'm sorry you lost a baby. One day you will meet a better man and have the family you deserve.

Be strong - stay focused on yourself and be thankful you discovered the extent of this man's cruelty while you have the strength and pride to acknowledge it's not acceptable.

Its not your fault - he is not good enough - thats his.

Take care xxx

Hi Everyone!

You made me cry! Thanks so so much for all the support and kind words! You helped me to realise that I have indeed been bullied.
Anyhow it gets worse, after a few days of no contact I receieved a really nasty email telling me my legal situation, what he wanted from the house and that if I didnt agree etc etc. Plus that he had already consulted a solicitor!
Asshole!
Anyhow new questions:-
As I am left with no home, job and penniless despite having no children can I claim maintenance / support from him? He did pay all our rent and bills previously and still has his own house? I am thinking dont get mad get even now!
Got my first appointment with a solicitor this afternoon and am very nervous. I wanted this to be amicable but seem to being sucked into this big fight situation.
Its rubbish! The only thing keeping me going is my Mum and my animals.

N

Hi Natasha
When we realise that we are not the selfish unreasonable one, that other people out there have, or are experiencing a bullying, controlling other half it sends out such a relief message to us. 'I am not alone' And you are not alone, there is always someone here to support you and use the site as much as possible. Very good for having a good moan and groan.
I am not sure on the legal side of your situation, but there will be someone on here that will be able to advise you on what you should be entitled to.
You will have to post more details though, like any purchase of house, assets etc.
Good luck with your solicitor and keep us posted as to what was said and how you feel.
Take care and hope to hear from you later.
Zara