keeping the anger in !

Hi,

Just want to sound off really...... like most people i assume!

Thinking about divorce and had my first chat with my solicitor last week. Blood hasn't returned to normal heat level yet.

I have been married for 16 years, after living together for 6 years. I have always been the main 'breadwinner', purely because my husband had no get up and go to improve his lot in life, and also had a breakdown some years ago. I have always worked, and fortunatley have been in the right places at the right time to earn a very decent package which has paid for the holidays every year, clothes on demand, decent cars etc, etc.

My husband likes to be accepted by everyone and has a tendency to get himself involved in things that then need him to be 'bailed out' of. The last incident resulted in my home being raided by the police and him speanding 11 weeks in prison. This really was the final blow to me.

Without going on,and on, and on (probably bore you to bits) I have refused to have him back in the house although he has unlimited access to our daughter and i am determined that he be involved in every aspect of her life - i.e if i get tickets to a concert, I buy one for him to come along too. I would mention at this point that I do not take any money from him whatsoever.

I have now been informed that as i am deemed the 'more succesful' and have greater earning potential (he has a deadend job now with little hope of anything better with his record), that not only will he be granted up to 50% of the house equity - although the initial equity before marriage was all mine - but also my pension. I accept that pension legislation was introduced for a very good cause but just because someone couldn't be bothered to put themselves out to get a better job and simply relied on the soft touch at home, I am possibly being left in the position of have less in my hand to put a roof over mine and my daughters head, than he will have to spend on a car, holiday, clothes, etc etc (he has stated outright that he will not be getting a mortgage).

Sorry, just a grumble really. I do know that there are people far worse off than me, I just can't believe that I an being penalised while he sits back waiting for his windfall..... no more free concert tickets from now on then!!!!

The law is an ass has become my catchphrase just recently. I can totally identify with your post. My husband walked in January and we are in the process of settling financially. I have always been the main breadwinner and much of the original deposit for our home was from me. I have contributed significantly more for the entire duration of our marriage but the law still syas 50:50. I understand why the law is like this but I do get very cross too about the amount I have to pay him for the privelege of having an affair and walking out! Angry with you xxxxx

Hi

Why try and keep the anger in its a healthy emotion?I can really understand where you coming from and am so glad you are no longer gonna be buying concert tickets!

I think the trouble is sometimes with people like this that they will sit back and let us do everything for them and help them out all the time, simply because its the easiest option for them.You will probably find that he will react quite angrily when he realises that you are no longer gonna be bailing him out, but stick with it.

Try and remember as well that u have only had your first initial chat with your sol, once she knows the full story things may change. But even if they don't, u r a strong enough person to move on without an albatross around your neck, whereas who knows what mess he will get himself into down the line. And this time you will not be there to sort it out.

Keep posting we don't mind grumbles, everyone is welcome here!
Scared x x

Hi Fanny.

You sound like a lot of successful men that I have met that have been divorced. In divorce financial success is penalised. Its not just a man thing, its a success + divorce = shafted thing. If you were a man then people would be having a go at you for saying these things. But reading the other comments they have not. I am not going to take a pop at you either.

Did you not know this man before you married him? I ask this to a lot to the people I meet. They said things like he was fine at 1st and she was fine la la la la.

We either choose to ignore it (me) or we are hoodwinked. The plain fact is that some people are just plain evil. Yr ex dont sound evil. He deserves to be with someone more like him. You need someone more like you. Obvious realy.

Successful relationships are ones that the 2 participants have the same goals and aspirations and neither of the parties have ulterior motives.

But you and me are being punished because we made bad choices. My fault for being blind and dumb and you for what ever reason you chose this person.

My ex wife was not fine at 1st at all. I was the stupid one that married the evil, lying, cheating gold digging bitch that she is. I must have been desperate to put my life in her hands to be used. I was a stepping stone for a better life. But I have learned a lesson. No more will I be used. Bad things come from bad choices. Thats Karma for you. Hope it all works out and if you do get with someone else, you choose more wisely next time. Otherwise its all in vain. C

Hi All
I clearly identify with this situation, my husband of 14 years comes from a broken home where he dad let and has subsequenty married 4 times, so he set out to marry a decent, respectable, honest & reliable person to prove that he was unlike his father. After 2and a half years of marriage, i had a daughter, both of us had no proper jobs- he was playing aroung, we relocated to start a new life, he then hit me over a stupid dispute in the presence of my relative whom we were living with- subseqently this led to a 6 month separation which resulted in him not seeing my daughter, he actually just disappeared, and contacted my 6 months later. He claims that he back to take revenge for me separating him from his daughter and that was what the rest of the marriage was based on - unfortunately he only revealed this recently. Now for the last 12 years i have been successfully employed and have been the breadwinner of the family, with all assets & liabilities in my name- as he never held any proper job. We are married in away where we own everything independently. He tried to run his own businesses, aand falied, this eventually cost me dearly, i lost my house, my vehicles, jewellery, ension and all my savings and ahve extensive debt in my name. Due to this I was forced to leave family and relocate to another country and work and settle my debts from here. With the last bits of money that i had, booked him on a flight to Dubai, in search of a job, and to arrange to bring us here. Used up all the money, did not find a job and were uanble to bring us here. Now, the children and I ahd no palce in back home and family did not know what was going on. I managed to scarpe up some funds from the sales of household goods and purcahsed out tickets here. We arrived and lived in meagre space- 4 of us in one room. I got a job which i satrted 5 months after arriving here, while he tried to secure jobs, to date he ahs worked in 5 different palces and ahve not recieved a salary. I on ther other hand ahve got us decent accomodation which is very costly in this aprt of the world, and brought us to a decent standard of living and have been attending to his wants & needs, this has cost me dearly, i ahve a good job and earn well, but all my funds are swallowed up- i ahve given him everyhting- he ahs been using a rent - a car for the last, know he want sme to purcahse a car for him, since he just started a meagre job, commision- real esate- where he believes he will hit it big time. His philoshy is that he has noted down alll the costs incurred and ill reapy when he is in a position to do so. Now he wants the divorce, we ahve not been together for the past few months. He lives int he other room in the apartment, eats my food and makes use of all my facilities, without contributing a single cent. He does not want to move out until he is financailly ready, he sahres no relationship with the kids, when he speaks to anyone he speaks of me in very poor taste and yet he wants my money. In order for him to purcahse a the car in his anme he requires a joint banking account which he forced me to do- i know that i need to accept it and tell him to get the hell out of my life and deal with the consequences- and laughable thing is that i am his sponsor, so unless he is sponsored by someone else, he will get kicked out of the country, I keep tellling myself to let go, bt it is difficult because i ahve become so immuned to this life.

Thanks for listening- sorry its so long, needed someone to hear my side
Zara

Thanks for the words... mainly very true.

'hubby' has only been this deceitful and selfish in last 5 years or so, i now beleive that he dabbled with steroids to keep up with the big boys at the gym! Anyhow, life moves on and i am sure that his words of regret are heartfelt, but too much damage has been done.

It may be heartless (i don't think so) but to continue would mean both of us lead miserable lives as I would never forgive / trust, and he would have a wife that quite frankly expects the worst of him and would resent the inequal earnigs...... never bothered me before.

Let's hope his current statement that he doesn't want half, doesn't get altered by well meaning friends (booze buddies) or dare I say it a Solicitor out to increase their invoice(!) ..... not sure if that is a fair statement as never really had any personal dealings the profession is this topic.

Take Care.

Just saying 'hi' and welcome to wiki. I agree that you shouldn't keep the anger in - it's healthier to release it... but you do need safe places to express it. Wikivorce, in my opinion, is one such safe place.

It's difficult to express an opinion on your situation because I can see both sides of the argument. I'm on my second divorce (no I'm not a serial marrier!) and have had 2 very different experiences.

All I will say is that the people we divorce rarely bear any resemblence to the one we marry and so there seems little point in wondering why they behave the way they do in divorce. The situation does not bring out the best in us. I used to listen to my mother say things like "Why will he not....? Why does he.....?" Well, my answer was always.... if he will behave in a way that is decent and honorourable, chances are I wouldn't be divorcing him. It kinda goes with the territory methinks.

Don't beat yourself up about what's happening... persue fairness as much as possible, support and reassure children as best you can.... and move on. It's the only sane way to go for me.

I wish you well

Shez