trying to be strong but very upset

Hi to all & hope to get all ur help & support.
I'm sorry its too long but any advice would be very much appreciated.
I've no family here & am ashamed to talk of my problems to any colleague or friends.
I've been married for 41/2 yrs.Ours was an arranged marraige & I brought him over as my dependent to UK. We hav been having problems with our relationship from the beginning as i soon found out he was a very controlling person wanted my debit cards, to manage all accounts,very soon he began verbally abusing me as he did not seem to be interested in starting a family.After a year as his visa was going to expire I told him to leave as we were not happy together & I refused to get his visa for which he began to get physically violent & I scared him off saying I'll ring the police.But the day after he took my passport without my knowledge & got his visa for another 4 years(??must hav forged my signature).He then promised to be a good husband & I believed him & things started getting better & after 2 years when we went back home for holidays I found out I was pregnant but with an abnormal pregnancy & when I was hospitalised he never even bothered to com & see me.
We returned to uk & there were lot of arguments & he decided to go to Relate saying I am the cause of all the fights & arguments.In the meantime I found out he has been emailing & chatting to females on the net & into share dealing, share betting,lottery's etc... on the net & wasting money,transfering money from my account into his without my knowledge & when we went to relate I let the counsellor kno of all this & the consellor told him that it was he with the problem & since my hubby did not like it he refused to go for further appointments
Last year I took his permanent visa for him & I fell pregnant again in may & due to domestic violence I lost the baby but did not register or tell anyone then & when I was in hospital for the miscarraige he sat in the car park till i was going to be discharged.
No sooner I hav found out he had bought a new car with my money & registered it only in his name & I took the keys & kept for a week & then realised even if i was to file charges against him the car would b his as it is in his name.
Now he has gone & filed for a divorce for unreasonable behaviour & do not kno what more lies he has made up with his lawyer.
Also we hav purchased a house & mortgage in both our names but I'm paying for the mortgage fr my account & he has filed for equal share of the house.
But I hav just found out he has put profiles of himself on dating & matrimonial websites & continues to chat & email females on the net.
I recieved a letter fr his lawyer to send details of my lawyer & that he has filed for divorce & about the house as in joint names but we also hav a joint international account of which he has been operating & has not mentioned about to the lawyer.

I would like to kno wat happens if I do not reply to his solicitors letter/letter for divorce.
Also I do not want to got to court for a divorce as it is very expensive for me.
I hav been very depressed & upset at work which I began last week after my miscarraige & do not kno wat to do.

Chopsy,

Awwwwwwww - first of all - Big, big, hug. You have had an awful time of it. You must be feeling dreadful.

So your lying, deceiving, abusive, uncaring, selfish, theiving, philandering, gambling, violent, cowardly, sad-excuse-for-a-man has filed for divorce?

If I were you I would be asking 'Where do I sign?'

You have done your UTMOST to forgive, forget and reconcile. What more could you have done to make it better?

You have been married for 4.5 years. this is half way between a classically short marriage and a long marriage.

Divorce is no blame in the UK. Makes no difference to the financial settlement whether he has been seeing and sleeping with the whole town.

In a short marriage, the parties take out what they brought into the marriage and divide any profit or losses on the assets during the period of the marriage.

In a long marriage, the starting point for division of assets is 50:50. It depends on all kinds of things in the Matrimonial Causes act sec25. Things like housing needs, dependant children, income, earning capacity, illness and disability, contribution, conduct. (The domestic violence resulting in the loss of the baby might be considered against him in court, in terms of conduct, but not his activities on dating and gambling sites).

Yours sits between the two, but would probably be considered more of a short marriage.

As to his solicitor, make him wait - you are in no hurry just now. See if you can get a free half hour with a solicitor to understand your position properly - most solicitors offer this, including Family Law on front page of Wikivorce. Wikivorce can help with so many things.

As to your current state of health, go and see your Doctor and see about a course of anti-depressants and possibly sleeping pills. You have been through a very traumatic time and should take all the help you can get.

And keep coming to Wikivorce and postine, maybe go into the chat room and perhaps write a blog of your story. All these things help in coming to terms with where you are right now.

Above all, IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!

Again, a big, big hug and welcome,

Mike

Oh chopsy, I'm so sorry for what you have had to go through. I can't offer any legal advice I'm afraid, but You'll find this site invaluable for support.

It really does sound to me like you have been given the run around by a very selfish person. You need to take very good care of yourself now, both mentally and physically so you can be the strong one and come out of all this a lot better.

I'm sure that someone on here will point you in the right direction with what to do. In the meantime, hang in there and let us know how you are doing.

Thanks Mike & Lsot1 for ur warm welcome & support.

If anyone knos how soon will I hav to respond to his solicitor after the divorce papers r in?

I'm still just coming to terms with this & i feel that he has cheated me off my money which is why I feel it should be payback time & i should also transfer money from his account to mine without his knowing.

But then what would b the difference betw me & him & he does not hav much in his account for me to take as he is always into betting & loitering money.

Moreover I'm not interested in money,I hav a good earning job & I was more interested in a good relationship & having a family.

Chopsy,
His solicitor may send a draft of the petition first to your solicitor, if you appoint one. This is meaningless in legal terms, unless it is stamped by the local court. It is a draft for discussion, if you like. If it is stamped by the local court, then it is the real thing.

If the petition comes from your local court, then you are supposed to respond within 8 working days.

The money side - make it very clear that you will be debiting his spending from any monies due in settlement. You might not get away with it, but no harm in trying.

Make sure you take copies and hide (preferably not at your home) any financial documents relating to his or your accounts that you can find and passports / visas / vehicle registration documents etc etc. Anything that proves what you believe has really been going on. If he gets nasty, you might need to rely on this evidence later.

We marry believing it is for the right reasons, but you cannot make a bad person be a good person, unless they want to.

You are quite right not to lower yourself to his level. You have the high moral ground. So keep that position, by behaving properly, even though you want to stitch him up as much as he did to you. Your conduct can then not be cited as bad if it went to court later.

Best of luck, and keep us posted on developments,

Mike

Thanks Mike for ur advice.
Just wanted 2 kno do u think it would be wise to do it.

I hav access to his bank accounts where i hav seen he has transfered money fr my account to his.Do u think i shd get copies of when he has done these transactions or would it be a fault of mine as i will b accessing his account without his knowlegde.

On my account it just shows as BP with his name of which I can get copies but he has even used my card to withdraw good amounts of money.
Just for evidence sake shd I get copies? I also kno if I go further with this to court it will b very expensive & also a lot of conflict & resentment will occur.
So unable to decide wat to do?
Chopsy

Chopsy,

You didn't hear this from me, but all is fair in love and war and PARTICULARLY in divorce.

If it can't be traced, get copies of EVERYTHING.

You do not have to present these copies, but you are fully entitled to ask questions about his bank statements, which he MUST produce if it goes to a financial hearing. What he doesn't know is that you know already what he has been up to. If things are missing in what he preents to the court, you can ask questions about them. You don't have to show your copies though.

Yes, if it goes fully to court, it will be expensive - typically about £15K each in costs. Yes it will be nasty, because he sounds nasty.

But get him to make you an offer. If it makes sense to accept that offer (if it would cost less than £15K to improve that offer) then you can always accept it.

Hope it helps

Mike