Need some advice

Hi Everyone,

I'm new to this but would like some advice. My husband of nearly 2 years walked out at the end of June 08. It had been building for a while. He has been staying at a friend's house. I have no idea where this is. We have seen each other since the split and he has been confusing the hell out of me as one day he wants me in his life and the next he's not sure. Things came to a head as I opened his bank statement from his single account (only used for paying a loan)and found that he is overdrawn by approx. £200. I asked him to come and explain this and he said that he would come and see me tomorrow but on Friday I had had enough of the mind games and told him that as he hadn't bothered to speak to or see me sooner than Sunday that he could collect his belongings then. He said that was fine. I have 2 children from a previous relationship and asked my sister to send him a text to ask what time he would call in as I needed the kids not to be there. He hasn't responded.....I then called and left a message for him to let me know and again nothing... I know not a lot of time has passed but can anyone please advise how best to move things forward and re-open the lines of communication?

Any comments would be gratefully received

Hi and welcome to Wiki

Sadly, there is little you can do if your husband refuses contact and communication. My guess is he's not responded to 'collecting his stuff' because that would finalise him moving out; and as you've said: one minute he wants the marriage - the next he doesn't. So it doesn't sound like there's anything you can do if he won't reply to your requests.

he's probably not wanting to face you; because facing his wife would mean confronting his issues.... including the issue of the overdraft. He's probably evading the inevitable.

My ex ceased contact last July; and we're in protracted, expensive court proceedings; whereby parties do have to discuss finances; and adhere to court timetables. Contact though is requested only through his solicitors; at over £200 per hour.

They can run. But they can't hide forever; and what could have been sorted out amicable, sensibly and for FREE becomes expensive because of the lack of their comunication.

If you are divorcing, there is a wealth of knowledge here. There are Short-term marriage clauses also. There are many posters who are having similar problems with the illusive other half.

Many partners who don't disclose their whereabouts are having affairs, and many don't severe ties with their wife because they want to keep their options open.

That's not what you wanted to hear; but said from bitter experience.

Sera
x

Hi RedHotFire. I agree with Sera that he could be having an affair. I would be inclined to issue and ultamatum. I would pack his belongings and txt him telling to come and collect them from outside at a certain time. Perhaps give him a weeks notice. I know it sounds harsh but thats what I would do. Hope you get it sorted one way or another. C.

Hi redhotfire

welcome to wiki

My situation is somewhat similar, and whilst all breakups are different, in my case it did indeed turn out to be an affair with all the financial trappings.Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear.

Among the difficulties I found when my OH shut down communication was that I was faced with making some of the biggest choices in my life whilst feeling I did not know any of the facts. I found my stbx was working to a totally different time frame. Whereas my thoughts were racing with panic,dominated night and day by the issues I felt I needed to sort out in my head, his replies seemed to be in slow motion. There is nothing you can do but wait and slow down,and let him take his time.If he really won't make any reply, that speaks for itself after a time.

The other thing I would say is that whilst this was going on, I felt so angry, but it was as if my OH would not "turn up" for the row, and whilst I'm not a great one for blowing up, I felt cheated not to have had this particular one. With hindsight, I wonder if my communications sounded too much like an invitation to the headmasters office!

Possessions are emotionally loaded. Are they such a huge issue for you, or are you trying to say a bit more to him that way because he won't communicate?

You sound very angry and hurt,and understandably so. I can't say that I have found lots of solutions, as this is my own particular demon, but I would say the most helpful thing is to centre yourself in the moment and accept you cannot control what is happening (easier said than done!).

You will find a lot of helpful people here who let you vent your frustration.Eventually it does get better and the things you were so desperate to know once upon a time seem an irrelevance.

Look after yourself,

fm
xx

Hi redhhotfire

I would certainly agree that he's in hiding / hiding something.

You can't control this I'm afraid. He's going to do what he's going to do, irrespective of how you feel about it. I think it's probably time you decided what YOU want out of this situation (and I mean really want rather than a reaction to his wants) and follow that. Giving him a fixed period to collect his belongings is fine, I think, as long as you're prepared to follow through id he doesn't comply.

The problem with issuing warnings etc. is the effect of failure to see it through. The last thing I think you need to be teaching him is that he can do as he pleases.

So, some actions and consequences would seem to be required. Remember, the difference between a reaction and a response is thought.

Good luck

Shez

Sera..thats what happened to me. Never severed the ties because although she was living at home the fun was outside while mug provided the security. I severed ties by no communication whatsoever which really gets the other side edgy. Remember everyone ...you cannot read another persons mind so dont try. They cannot read yours either of course so dont give clues !!!

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. I have sent another text advising him that his belongings will be ready for collection on Saturday and I have also changed the locks as I don't want him sneaking in the house when I'm at work. I have had an extremely bad few days but seem to be coming to terms with the situation and today I think is a good day.