Feeling awful

I'm feeling really upset

---

My ex came round to take youngest son to play pool. When he came back, elder son was back, so he went on at him about his GCSE results, which he hasn't got yet. Son was with his mates, so wanted to be cool and said he wasn't bothered.

Ex then comes into my bedroom and has a go at me about how elder son's attitude stinks and that I should do something about his results. Explained I can't do anything till Tuesday which is when school is next open. He then goes on about why didn't I sort it before Will's holiday (answer: because I thought W had arranged to have results posted). I said I didn't like him shouting at me.

I then got a tirade about how impossible I was to talk to and the reason our marriage was awful was because I treated him so badly (erm, how?).

I am so angry. Our marriage was a mess, so his answer was to swan off every weekend getting drunk and hanging out at nightclubs. I said I'd love to have been able to do the same, sometimes. His response was that I should have so I pointed out that we do have 2 children, who need some parental guidance.

He is such an **rse. Elder son has gone out because he couldn't stand us rowing. I've barely seen him since he got back.

I really, really feel full of hate at the moment and its horrible. I can't see us being able to sort anything out. I didn't want to apply for a divorce just yet, I wanted to wait until children were not involved any more, plus, had hoped we could arrange things in civilised manner and not involve solicitors, but I really think its all going to be horrible. I had no idea ex was such a pig.

And he's got someone else to go home to and talk it over with. I've got no one.

I am a blubbering wreck and I felt so strong when ex wasn't around. Why has this pathetic wimp got so much power over me?
__________________

Hi Ann
That is the ranting of a very guilty feeling man.
He does not have the right to confront you like that, he needs to be informed that this is totally unacceptable.
Do you think he will do this again? If you do you need to get in touch with your police station and tell them what has happened. If you do not wish to do that, go to a solicitor as soon as possible, get them to write him a letter warning him of the consequences if he ever does this again.
If he thinks he can get away with 'BULLYING' you he will.
Put stop to it immediately.
Does he have the right to enter the house, if not, then make sure that when he picks up or drops off it is at the gate. This is unacceptable Ann, you must take action.
He is obviously angry and guilty. Dont let him blame you for the way HE feels.
Zara

Thank you Zara.

I think he is very frustrated because elder son is not bothered about his future and as son won't listen to him, thinks I ought to get son to be motivated.

I've said son is 16 now and must start making own decisions and no one can motivate anyone else.

I am just so cross with myself for allowing him to get to me. I said a few things back. Usually I've just let ex burble on (he thinks I'm listening) till he's finished.

We had managed to be quite civilised to start with but I can see things getting nasty.

I am sure I will feel calmer soon. Luckily ex is away on business next week so won't be bothering me, and my Mum is coming to stay.

After that I shall be back at work and feeling more in control. I just hate this business making me feel like a little girl again.

Ann Onymous wrote:

Thank you Zara.

I am just so cross with myself for allowing him to get to me. I said a few things back. Usually I've just let ex burble on (he thinks I'm listening) till he's finished.

Ann
This is the reaction of a bullied person, to be quiet and not be allowed to say anything. He obviously got angry because you dared to answer back. You need to put a stop to this and let him know in no uncertain terms that he WILL NOT be doing that again. He has to accept his responsibilities for the children seriously, and not blame you for things when they go wrong.
You could get a sol to write him a letter. He would then have to accept that he cannot do that again. Otherwise he will. Perhaps go to sol when your mum is there for extra support.
Zara

Hi Zara

Update. Ex phoned me to say he'd sorted out when W's results would be ready for him to collect and that as ex is going to be on train to Dorset I will have to text him the results.

So I said I didn't HAVE to do anything he said, but if he asked politely, I would text the results. Silence, and then he said, OK please would you do that? So I said yes of course.

He is a saddo who needs to feel he is in control. I've tried to tell him that he can't control other people, anymore than other people can control him. But he doesn't see it at all.

I told him today that I thought he was a pathetic coward for not telling me he had another woman. He didn't respond but I knew I'd hit home. Twat!

You said you will text ex sons results? It is up to your son if he wants him to know. I would ask son to text his dad results if he wants and I would tell ex son is now responsible for his own decisions.
Don't be bullied into being piggy-in -the-middle.

Mezzie
You are absolutely spot on.
I would get my son to text him, he is old enough and it is his results not his mother's. He is just looking for another way to control her, Ann, he is using another mode of control. Just nicely ask your son if he could text his dad the result. If your ex comes back with why did you not do it. Just say, it was his results, it is up to him if he texts you not me. Your children are old enough to make contact with their father, they do not need you as a go between. You do need to remind him that you are not going to put up with being harassed.
Being controlling is not always having the need to be violent, it can be done in the most beautiful manipulative way. Anyway, he can text his son. Be strong Ann.
Zara