hello everyone and help me

pehaps the ladies could help me on this one?

I am 56 and my wife 43
when we first got together 14 years i was the main bread winner.
In the last 5 years she has become the main bread winner

And in truth i became selfish and unmotivated and drank far to much, stayed up late..got up late and got into debt.

Through out this period we as always have been very hot lovers and best friends.

4 weeks ago a bad mistake i made cost my wife £600..

And that made her snap

On the next day she went to a solicitor and by the weekend i had a letter stating divorce proceeding were being taken.
She took me off the car insurance and started sleeping in the spare bedroom.

She then went to her mothers for a few days, and now she is on holiday for 3 weeks and refused to allow me to go with her so i lost my flight.

While she was at home she would cuddle me and act as if nothing was wrong, but when i tried to talk about the divorce she would pull away stating i am so angry..

Since she has been abroad we text each other at least ten times a day...we talk on the phone every night for hours..we light candles in churches for each other.

She dose still love me she tells me every day
I am still her best friend
And i say the same.but still refuses to make a fresh start.

As for me i have this was a lfe changing experiance a real wake up call

In the last month i have
Got a full time job
Stopped drinking
Signed up for debt management
and turned into the husband i should have been before.

No the down side i am on Citalopram as i became very stressed out..tearfull and desperate to repair my marrige

She knows i have totally changed and will do anything to stay a changed person

She says she feels numb
She says and is very angry at me
She loves me
I am her best friend

How do i start to gain enough trust form her to help us both want to make a fresh start??

billy

Hallo and welcome Billy

Firstly, well done on making the changes you have done.

Secondly, you and your wife clearly have a lot of affection for eachother, but your wife seems to be feeling wary of you.

You cannot make her trust you, that has to come from her.

What you can do is to treat things carefully, carry on with your good works and show that you mean it. Maybe if your wife finds talking difficult, you might want to suggest some counselling. Relate should have something in your area, or you might get some counselling through your GP.

Whatever happens, I wish you good luck, and suggest you keep posting here.

Hi Little Nell

Yes i am going slowly and not pushing myself on her,And that is very difficult to restraign my emotions i reassure her daily how much i love her, and mine are actions not words.

I booked a single flight for next weds 10th sept to follow her out on the hope of being away from home and in the sun it might start the things,and give us the oppertunity to try and talk to seek the start of a resolve but i have not told her yet.
I am going to tell her tonight on the phone, i know she will say no, And could be angry but i just hope she will think about it and hopefully let me fly out.
I wont go without her permission, nor would i just turn up.

In 14 years we only spent 3 nights apart, she has been away for 11 nights now and i am crawling the walls to see her.

I think most people in my situation would do the same thing.

Billy

Good luck.

Hi Billy, welcome to Wikki, it sounds to me like your wife really does love you, she is just angry at you & doesnt trust that you will change for long. It takes time to earn trust after mistakes are made & if the divorce is in you have little time. It doesnt mean you cant keep working on your marriage & trying to assure her that you want to stay this way. If she really loves you she could give you another chance, even if you divorce theres nothing to stop you both getting back together, if its what you both really want.
I agree with LittleNeil in that you need some counselling, have you tried Relate?
I hope things work out for you, keep posting,
Cindy

'No the down side i am on Citalopram as i became very stressed out..tearfull and desperate to repair my marrige'.....


Theres nothing wrong with being on Citalopram, i took it myself & it helped me a great deal, i came off it after a few months & i was ok. Don't feel bad for needing help ok?
Cindy

Hi Cindy girl

Thanks for your advise sometimes the best advise comes from strangers.
I have just finished another marathon phone call to my wife and i told her i booked the flight..she said no
i want this time for me
i asked her just to think about it and said i would not fly without her permission

Funny i thought she would go mad ...she did not?? i just hope she does think about it and agree.
I feel it would be a good starting point

I also asked her to make a list of all the things over the years she has pent up anger about and lets hear them one by one and i will answer as truthfull as possible and she said she would.

I will keep up updated tomorrow

Billy