heartbroken

I feel a bit guilty writing my story, I have not had the turbulent times that many of you have had, however the pain I feel I can’t describe.

Four weeks ago, my husband of 4 years (together 7 years) told me he no longer had any feelings for me (that I irritated him and that he couldn’t bear to be with me any longer) – all of which came out of the blue. He has always appeared happy – always said he was happy. Life I thought was good. We have two children, 5 years & 3 years.

My husband (mid 40s) sold his business at the start of 2008 and retired. I am mid 30s. I had noticed a deterioration in his moods over the past few months and this was starting to affect us – but I genuinely believed this was due to the massive change to his life following the sale of his business (work had been his life for 25 years). Finally I persuaded him to open up (I said it felt like we were on the verge of divorce - jokingly!!). He has always been a perfect husband and father.

That was four weeks ago, and my life fell apart. He wants a divorce (now). He wants me to move out of our family home - it is the dream home he has worked all his life for. He understands/accepts that the children will stay with me, but he would be more than happy if I was prepared to leave them with him. So now I am faced with losing my husband, my home, and, if I won’t leave the children with him, he would like them half of the time. He is prepared to buy me a new home and provide for me & the children financially – he is being more than generous (I think). I don’t care about anything other than being with him and my children.

We are all still living in the same house (though separate rooms) because I can’t come to terms with any of it. I have told him I need time. I could almost handle him leaving us (but not really), but the thought of that, plus having to leave my home (and my children losing their father and home), and losing my children for half of every week as well just kills me.

I have only told two friends, partly because I don’t want to admit any of it’s happening. They both think he could be having a breakdown/mid-life crisis???!!! He is adamant that this is what he wants, and knowing how much he loves our children and what a hands on father he has been, I don’t think/believe he would do this to himself/them if he wasn’t 100% sure. However, I have to cling to some hope that this could be a breakdown!! But am I kidding myself? Is there someone else?? I have no evidence. I am playing for time. He says he is not prepared for us (or him) to have counselling, nor to try again for the sake of the children. He wants out. I look at my babies and just cry……

Hallo and welcome.

I am so sorry you are going through this horrible experience. The fact that thousands of others have gone through/are going through this doesn't make it easier to cope with. It is heartbreaking, especially as your children are so young.

I don't have legal qualifications but I don't think you necessarily have to leave the marital home, as the court will regard it as the children's home first and you as the primary carer, I think.

As for your husband, its very difficult when someone you think you know changes into an unrecognisable person. My husband went to live with another woman and seems to be a different bloke. He's 53 but it seems lots of men in their 40s and 50s go through a midlife thingy and being men, they can't/don't talk about it, they just make changes.

Why did your husband choose to retire? Maybe its not turned out to be what he wanted?

If he really loves your children he won't want to let them leave their home or have their week disrupted by being shunted between parents, though of course he will want to see them regularly.

Keep posting. You are not alone.

Hi Wilbie, i cant really say anything that would make you feel any better, its happening to me right now aswell, so i feel your pain, i just wish we had a switch that would turn the emotions off. x

Oh Wilbie - like Gemma says - it is so hard - the only thing I can say is I feel the same. It is the loss of control over your life and your babies' lives and particularly when you have done nothing wrong. Thinking of you!

Thank you Little Nell and Gemma for your kind words.

Our home is a farm (land, outbuildings, and a few animals). I couldn't/wouldn't be able to/want to maintain it on my own. So I know in my heart that I would have to be the one to leave, and as I mentioned previously, it was my husband's dream to have this place in his retirement - i couldn't take it from him.

I don't know what to do.

You are being too kind. What about your dream of a happy marriage and what your children deserve. He has chosen this - not you. I know it is hard but I would be inclined to stay put for now and see what he does. Your children are very young and need stability and need to reside with mum full time in my opinion in their own home.

Hi Wee Kate

Thanks for your messages. I really don't know what to think/do at the moment. I don't want to do anything. Still in a state of shock. My husband looks more happy and relaxed since he broke the news than I have seen him for a long time. Will keep you posted.