Hi there. I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this. I think, as I said above, I'm just feeling a bit fragile and alone. My situation, I'm sure, is nowhere near as bad as many people's, and it was certainly worse in the past than it is now.
I'm in my early 50s and have been married 26 yrs. I don't regret the marriage, and, although it wasn't always easy, there was always something indefinable about my wife which I loved. There were inevitably some very clearly definable things which weren't so great too. We have three wonderful children, although they are all in their 20s so I tend to refer to them as young people.
To this day I really don't know why the marriage unravelled quite as much as it has done. [I've been wondering just how much detail to give - for all I know my soon to be ex could be blogging on this same site and I would hate to say something that would be used against me. However, at risk of making myself identifiable to those who know the story...] Something changed about 4 yrs ago when we spent 6 months nursing my brother in the terminal stages of congenital heart disease. My wife did a wonderful job of nursing, and I recognised it then as well as now. I don't know if she felt taken for granted, if she felt unsupported in her grief. I really don't know. I am sure that she talked to people who don't know me and - as she is very convincing to listen to - some person or people must have given her affirmation of her views about me.
Anyway, we started seeing a counsellor and between them they decided that I had communication difficulties. I remember one session where I demonstrated that I had heard what she had said, that she went on to deny having said, and that I understood the nuances of both meanings. I thought we might get moving, but by the next session I was back to being "the problem".
Next thing I knew, I apparently had Asperger's syndrome. [Here, I suppose, I must risk further identification. I am a GP in a very touchy feely practice...] So I went to my business partner and showed her the diagnostic criteria and just asked her if I was even in the ball park. Fortunately, she said that it didn't remotely describe me. That didn't satisfy my wife - nor did three visits to my own GPs, a visit to a National Autistic Society psychologist, scoring systems, etc. The "young people" were recruited into this campaign. I was told that they had all thought independently that I had a communication disorder, and that they just wanted to help me. It was typical group dynamics being demonstrated, but that isn't a very helpful reply to make within a family, so I kept my trap shut.
From my perpective, my soon to be ex had developed a fixed unshakable delusional belief about this, and nothing I or anyone else would say would change this.
In a way, my marriage ended on a specific day. I came home from work to be told that she had arranged an appointment with a psychiatrist for me. Now, this is outrageous on many levels, but there was at least a small chance that this chap would be sensible and lay something to rest. In fact, when I met him, his initial reaction was to announce that I clearly didn't have Asperger's. However, he then went on the decide that I had Dyspraxia. While there are several features to this, it is pretty fundamental that someone who suffers from this is abnormally clumsy. I can cycle long distances and mountain bike, I can run marathons, and on fine motor skills, I can give you an anaesthetic as smoothly as many consultant anaesthetists. (I did that too for many years). I subsequently found out that people in this field took deliberate steps to keep this guy away from their patients!
So that wasn't good, nor was it good when the wife phoned another of my business partners and told him about my depression, aspergers, alcohol abuse and not eating. The last one had some truth.
And that, as far as living at home is concerned, is just about it. It staggered on for about 4 more months, and then I just had to get out, at which stage none of my children were talking to me, but I was getting more support that I could have believed from friends, partners, patients, and staff.
I moved into a flat. I didn't initiate any legalities initially, and didn't even separate our finances. After all, at this stage I believed that it was my failure that had lead to this breakdown. And the soon to be ex had said things like "whatever happens I'll always be your best friend and you'll always be mine" as well as "I'll only want a
fair settlement, nothing more." (Actually, other famous quotes along the way included that she hoped I would have a breakdown because then she could fix me the way she wanted me to be, and "I'm the only one who could love you, no one else will ever love you", as well as "Everyone has difficulties with the way you relate to them; no-one has any difficulties with me". I'm pleased that I have found these not to be true.)
I kept an eye on the internet bank accounts and suddenly found an entry for a locksmith as well as £1000+ for car insurance. I checked, found that the locks had indeed been changed, and that my son had been "loaned" money for his car insurance, and decided that I had to protect my own interests quickly.
I think the last time I spoke to her directly was very shortly after that when she phoned me in surgery to wish "I rot in hell". In the interests of accuracy, I did actually speak to her once when I misdialled a number. She initially sounded delighted to hear my voice - I didn't think quickly enough and went into craven apologies and she turned her voice into something harsh and angry and then hung up.
I kept sending the young people emails and texts and just kept it open to them to come back to me when they were ready. It didn't seem quick at the time, but I've heard many stories of what has happened to other people, and I'm so, so pleased to say that one came back, then the next, then the last, and now I have a better relationship with them than I think I have ever had. It actually seems as though the "family home" is now centred on my rented flat, rather than a very large, expensive edifice which no-one wants to buy at present. What seems to bring tears to women's eyes is to tell them that my 20 yr old son will give me a kiss on the cheek when he sees me. I see them at least weekly, as well as texts as and when, and know that they will all ask me for help when necessary.
Strangely, my wife has helped in this because she has treated them shabbily. She has told stories about them to friends and she has berated them to their faces. She tried to break up my elder daughter and her boyfriend, so much so that they moved into my flat with me!!!
So now we are reaching the final stages of the divorce. I feel as though I have stepped out of an abusive relationship; I no longer feel I spend all my time treading on eggshells; I no longer feel as though I have to satisfy the whims of a control freak. Inevitably, she wants a lot more than I want to give, or that my solicitor says is reasonable for me to give. I do hear that she is telling her family that I won't settle for a 50:50 split. I'd take a 50:50 split like a shot! I feel really let down by a system that seems to accept and encourage one party to be dishonest. I do understand the no-blame approach, but at the same time you are left feeling that you are rewarding someone for behaviour towards me which, outside of a marriage, would have been at least on the verge of criminality. And, yes, she did hit me along the way, and once threw a glass at me. She never came at me with a knife, but, when I once decided that I needed to keep more than arms length distance, I knew it was time to leave.
All this time I have been paying for the house and all associated costs (except phone and internet), as well as significant maintenance payments. It works out that I have to earn somewhere between £3500 and £4000 per month before I can even put food in my mouth. Despite what you have heard in the press, most GPs don't earn enough to continue paying that amount indefinately.
And in conclusion: I hate this whole process. I worked so hard to avoid reaching this situation. But so many people tell me I look and sound and act so much happier than I did before. I do miss her a bit, but less and less as I realise how much damage she did to me and to other people around her. Is she ill? I'm sure she is in one respect or another, but I think it is just one of the "personality disorders" and I certainly feel I gave her oodles of support to deal with her demons while we were together. I think I'm through my bereavement reaction; now I'm ready to get on with the rest of my life. I hope you like my username! It came at the end of an email I was sent, so I can't claim any originality for it. Nevertheless
Love like you've never been hurt!
