Am I being played?

I have been married for 20 years - the first 18 happily, until my wife hit 43 and had an affair while we were overseas with her spanish teacher. I can rationalise the reasons as we were in a difficult country, but she still seems unable to let go - although the fellow concerned seems to have dropped her.

We are now back in England and after spending some time apart are back together; me for the kids and to try and get our relationship back together. She is back with me (nice flat, central london)- I can assume for the children. Is keen to have plastic surgery and a couple of months ago had a fling with a 20 something year old which she genuinely regretted.

We have been a tight family group - with great teenage kids and now a toddler and the last thing i would want to see is their lives thrown into turmoil. She is interested in the welfare of the children but nothing more. I am highly suspicious of her and lose my temper/wonder why i haven't just called it a day and then acted on it. In reality I am torn between a care for my children and the ridiculous sham my marriage has turned into. I have just got upset over something and she is unwilling to talk. Hence the post.

I have said I will divorce her but have yet to act as I don't want to destroy my children's lives or her elderly parents faith in us, because of our time overseas our family know very lttle of the state of or marriage. Am I being crazy keeping with her, right to put the children first or simply being taken for a ride?

Happy, only you and your wife can make these decisions and the rest of the (adult) family are not a real consideration. Lots of people are let down when a couple divorce but in itself that's not a reason to stay married if it isn't working.

If you can remain on amicable terms and sit down with a good couples counsellor you might be able to agree what's best for you both, which may or may not mean staying together. You sound like you are more committed than your wife is, although she may just be dealing with her own issues.

Best of luck,
M

Sorry to hear of your troubles.
May I ask a question?
Was your toddler planned?
Have heard of many a marriage splitting up because of blame due to similar issues.
Not easy for you at the mo + my thoughts are with you x

HC,

Are you being played, sounds like it, what do you want to do about it?

Sure she will keep saying sorry, when it doesn’t work out, and then one day when she thinks she has a keeper, it'll bye bye I have something better on offer!

Your choice, hard choices though, once is enough, but twice, maybe more, that’s taking the piss!

What ever is happening in her life to make her want to stray may be to do with you and your relationship, if it is, and you want to do something about that, then get on with it, and fight for your marriage. If she has decided that the grass is greener, and doesn’t care about the potential fall out, then you know what you have to do, protect yourself, your children and do you know what, your family (the grandparents) will be there for you!

Good luck

GM

It depends what kind of person you are. You sound quite patient, so my thoughts would be that you'd hang on to the marriage by your fingernails till you can't hang on any longer.

It could be that your wife is having trouble getting to the "middle stages" of life, if you know what I mean, she may settle down back into married life after she's got it out of her system. But, will that be enough for you, or will all former transgressions be brought up in arguments? I'm rambling now, but what I mean is... If you're willing to roll with it I the hope she settles down to her old self, then that's fine. If you feel that it's over between the two of you, really over, then I'm sure everyone around you will understand.

Staying together for the children isn't always the best road. They might not thank you when they're older.

All - thanks for the advice/support.

I woke up this morning feeling very low, had a crap start at work and went to see my GP. Bit of a breakdown really, I've always been pretty self-reliant/bread-winner, so seeing it all go belly-up hurts. But I came home with new resolve and told my wife to move out and she's gone.

So I now have to break the news to my middle child this pm and then the older one at the weekend. Youngest is off with his Mum on a "long" weekend - I'm not sure there is much one can say to a sparky three year old - but whatever it is will be tricky....

fyi - youngest was planned . He's great. Complicating but no regrets.

How the hell do you then rebuild your life?

Wish me luck

Hi Happy,
Good for you, you know deep down it makes sense.
Follow through with a solicitor to file for divorce - now she has moved out, her inhibitions to stray may well go altogether.
As for the sparky 3 y/o, you may find they are the more resilient of you all.
Take one step at a time - the way will become clear (sounds like lifestyle guru speak but . . you know what I mean !).
Good luck and stay in touch