Hi everyone

Hi I'm 46 year old and in the middle of an amicable divorce (no children & no propery to argue over!) I was married for 24 years and did not see this coming! I thought we were soul mates, we had loads in common and shared interests. Things were never easy for us, he didn't work for the last ten or so years due to ill health, but i loved him and was happy to work full time to keep the home going. After Christmas he said he was seeing an acquaintance of ours occasionally purely as a friend and i trusted him totally. After a while he began to change and it became obvious they were more than friends. After denying it several times he finally admitted to his adultery. I was devastated and when i asked what i'd done to deserve it he said i had done nothing but he hadn't been happy for some time. At that i asked him if we could try and put right what was wrong but he said he didn't want to. We split and on two occassions after that he said he didn't want us to split up and throw away what we had and proceeded to carry on lying seeing her behind my back. So i left him four months ago and started divorce proceedings. I'm not sure how to feel - sometimes i think it's his loss i'm better off without him other times i'm angry with him, sometimes i miss him so much! I am still in contact with him, he lives with her now, and he wants to remain friends but i'm not sure this is a good idea. Sorry for ranting on but i'm sure you understand how i feel - You've all been there done that!

Wwelcome Jewel
Yep, been there, done that and got the T-Shirt.

Your in the right place for support and there are loads of people who have been through what your going through, me included.

My advise for what it's worth

Can you stay as friends? I dont think this helps at all, as you will carry on hoping that he will come back. It's like a carrot on a string.

The only way to move forwards is by cutting that string so you can start you new life.

Its very hard I know and each person is different, but I do think it's the right way.

Your going through the normal emotions at the moment, your world is upside down and so confusing but in time the pain will become less, the tears will become less and life will start again.

Use Wiki whenever you can and I hope to see you in chat one day

Take care

Phoenix1

Hi Jewel, you've joined the right site, you'll get loads of support and maybe make some new friends. With regards to being "friends" with your ex, I agree with the last post, it's not always a good idea. Sometimes the partner who's cheated wants to stay "friends" to make themselves feel better. Unload some of the guilt so to speak, if he's still matey with you, then you can't think he's THAT bad.

You say you've no children and no property to argue over, so maybe a Clean Break is best for you. It really depends on how you feel. I think the thing you have to ask yourself is... Do you need him in your life? I doubt you do. Keep posting on Wiki, you'll find you come to a decision that suits you when you read some of the other experiences on here. Take care and keep posting

Thanks for your response. Your both right i think i have to cut the ties. Someone asked me the other day what i would say if he said he'd made a big mistake and wanted to get back together. My answer was a definite no, the trust would be totally gone. I suppose i only agreed to see him because i wanted to prove to him i could live without him, and to annoy her!

Hi Jewel. your story is much like my own! My stbx still wants to be friends & keep me there despite seeing another woman for 18 months. I tried the friends bit but it was making me ill, i didnt trust a word he said to me & he still tried to lie & say he had dumped her, which wasnt true. Some want their cake & eat it dont they? I filed divorce for adultery & it is in the courts now, he still says he cares about me & loves me & is sorry etc but its no use to me anymore. He will always have this other woman in his life & i cant live like that!!!
But i understand exactly how you feel,
Cindy

Hi Cindy, Its nice to know your not alone and can talk to people with the same experiences. I know i have my family, who have been great and supportive, but they can't really know how you feel without going through the experience themselves. I have has a bad few days, when i first left him i was like - it's his loss, stuff him, i'm better off without out him. But this last few days, the slightest thing sets me off crying and i feel so empty.I was supposed to see him this weekend, but i got a text off him saying he couldn't make it. Its probably for the best because why do i want to listen to him drone on about her and their future plans. His contact with me is a lot less than it used to be, he used to text me all the time. So i'm going to tell him i don't want any more contact with him, how i do it is the next thing - face to face, letter, or what? I suppose living not far from each other we are bound to run into each other now and again though.

Thanks for listening and hope all is well with you.

Hiya Jewel.

Just to sound like a stuck record......
You cant be freinds, simple as that. One or both of you will always use one another as an emotional crutch in the future if you do. Myself, i find i have to be "civil" to the stbx wife as there is a child involved, but you....theres no need for that. Dont go backwards in going forward, and i wish you the best of luck and happiness in your new life.

Matt x