Can't do this anymore

I am a regular poster on here .... have had lots of great practical advice. Thank you. Haven't been able to give much back to anyone else however.

I am sat here in tears. I don't think I can cope with this anymore. I don't want to be put on anti depressants but I think I realsie I need more support. This si exactly what he wants - he wants to get me sectioned I know. I need help to stay the strong and capable mother I always have been and will be in the future. Right now the light is fading however.

My ex told me 5 1/2 months agao that he is leaving me - but won't actually leave the house. He says he will not move out until he has 50/50 children and 50/50 money.

Residency and finances are both in the court system - awaiting CAFCASS report on the children and have just exchainged form E.I believe in both cases I ahve a much better chance than 50/50 and data from this site has helped me feel confident that this is the case.He says I am breadking the children's hearts and they have a right to see him 50% of the time .... I thought long and hard about this and offered 45% and would ahve given 50% if he was to show signs that he was prepared to work cooperatively as this is what is required of shared residency. The answer to my proposal was no - 50/50 split of the children on the days he wanted them and 50/50 of th finances.

He harrassed and intimidated me in the early months - I sought an occ oredr - some minor assualts in the past. The court said I was seeking residency via the back door. I can see the point they make .... I was thinking about wanting to protect the children and me.

And much has gone under the bridge - attempts from him to stop me from any relationships with people he feels in his mind I might influence against him - his mother and his new female best friend. I et regular letters via the solicitor telling me that I have broken the court orders - I ahve a letter this week saying I called him "workshy parasite" because I was agitated about the exchange of form E and one two weeks earlier for being highhanded about taking my youngest to buy some tights on a day I pick them up from school.... I have chosen not to make anything out of his breaches - I just put up with the constant name calling, swearing, alienating me in front of the children. There is no benefit - it just creates more conflict.

Last week I founnd very strong evidence that suggests he has been having an affair with the new friend ..... one of my children's teachers. It appears he was sharing a double room with her at the time she was teaching my child. I was helping out at the school today and I ahve realised this will alwasy be here now - I will never get away from it.Morally I struggle with an affair - but with the teacher of my child ... I am told it is nothing of material impact.

Today in the shared cupboard in our study I found his diary inserts for the early few months after he told me he was leaving. There are clear attempts in there that hew is making me out to be mentally unstable. His ntoes say

"question mental health - drifting between crying and volatile / aggressive / skeletal / calculating - frightened for her to be around the children" - the day previously he had destroyed a note from his mother to me, stole it from me when I found it to deny the fact i was accusing him of stealing my letter and then after an argument in front of the children, restrined me from opening a door by putting his hand round my neck.I called the police - he said I made it all up and set him up. Yeah right. I forced him to steal the letter ....

I know this is all too much information ..... am I losing it?

I don't think I am - he has made statemetns in his affidavits which I can prove are wrong .... like he sacrificed his career to look after the chidlren (his appraisals state he was very happy with his work life balance adn actually at the end of that period of time - he was told to pull his socks up), that i went back to owrk three months after my first child(becasuse legally I had no choice) looked after the children after taking reducndnacy (but not accoridng to my childminders copious timesheets), had hig levels of work related stress and was fiercely ambitious (But not according to my doctor, my sickness absence record, my performance appraisals and talent planning documents)

Why is he doing this to me? What can I do to help myself to stay the mother I am. I know he wants me to crack .... I fear I am about to. I have started to ring the Samaritans again and I know that this means I am in a bad place.

I fear he has found this website too - if you are reading this ..... I have all the evidence to prove you are lying to me.

Please - what can I do to not go fall to his gameplan and what can I do to show he is trying to build a picture that I am not a capable mum.

Oh my goodness Is1

I dont know where to start but to say how sorry I am for your pain and obvious distress.

My impression of your post is that he is trying to bully you out of your home, bully you into giving up the children, and it does sound like this is something that has been a pattern of behaviour in the past.

Trying to manipulate information to insinuate that you are unstable is horrendous.

I am not sure if you have considered that you are in some kind of abusive relationship - but from what you have said it does sound like it.

You dismiss him hurting you by calling it "minor assaults" - any assalut is not minor.

It does sound like there is verbal emotional and physical abuse. It sounds like it is all there, threats intimifdation, verbal assaluts, ignoring your point of view, withholding, belittling as well as physically abusing you.
Look up womens aid website/google abuse and see what comes up. see if any ring bells - your post did with me!!

You need support advice and help. NOW!!!

Do you have family/friends nearby?
Are the children safe?
Do you have any decent legal advice?
Is there anywhere you can go - even if you do not want to leave if your safety is at risk - maybe this is worth thinking about. you sound like you are trying to kep the peace in the hope he will go quietly.
He does sound like he is trying to scare you and intimidate you into things you dont want and you are not arguing to keep the peace.

there are many wise and knowledgable folks here that can help and will when they read your post.

Also if you are afraid of him reading this - do not put anything personal down and keep details vague. If you need to - change your username.

Just read your post again and you obviously have come legal rep as in court? but it does sound like you need help and advice.

It is too cruel of him to list all your reactions to his "departure" these are common reactions and NOT an indication of any mental instability. I wrote the same things about myself in my own diary.

as for your depression again that is natural and very normal- go and see your own GP and get support, to be sectioned you would have to be demonstrating risk to yourself and/or others (there will be more wikis out there who know more about this and will advise)

Have you been to counselling - i think you sound like you need that - Realte see individuals. Please try.

keep posting and take good care of yourself!
(((hugs)))

ps realised that you have been regular boarder, so apologies for saying stuff you probabaly know, take care
Jo xx

Thank you Jo. I know he doesn't see it as this - he thinks I am unstable and out to get him. The only thing I want is for him to leave us to get on with our lives... and I recognise that for my children that includes him being in it. He sees me as putting my own interests above theirs by not giving him 50/50. What I feel he doesn't understand that is for this to work better he needs to understand he will never be able to just cut me out of his life ... I don't want to be in his life now, but I know he will always be in mine because of the children. He see this as a commercial negotiation where relationships don't count. For me the emotion is THE most important part when we need to bring up children together - even if we are apart.

I udnerstand how he might think that I am being uncoperative becasue I am not giving hi what he wants - But with all the reading I have done on shared parental responsibility there has to be a high degree of cooperation. He has refused mediation from day one. There is the potential that we will be in a living hell - he will move in with his new girlfriend 1/2 a mile away and I will see her everyday at school.

I will take your advice and look up abuse and see if there are any new techniques I can think about - I ahve been to acntre for domestic violence in the past and relasised then I was and am subjected to mental harrassment. I also know that if I am strong I can ignore it and see it as pathetic. But right now I don;t ahve that protective barrier around me.

I ahve had a wonderful evening with my children tongith - he is away. I must be very grateful for that - I get stregnth from knowing that when he is not here they are very different with me and I know they love me and need me as much as they do their daddy.

Please anyone - if there is anything more I can be doing please I would be so grateful.

I don't want to let him win by losing the plot ....

is1

Please be strong, be strong!
You are in an awful situation. I feel I am in a similar position, but my husband is much more devious and subtle. It is relentless bullying and harassment to get their own way.
Go out and buy a dictaphone recorder and tape all communication! If he reveals past abuse and ongoing intimidation and harassment - hopefully - you may be able to use it in court (I do not know the legal stand on this)
I cracked this week, I thought I was at my lowest. I could not cope and had such dark, dark thoughts. I have not slept since the end of August when I got the court date. The hatred of my husband consumes me. This week I felt I could not go on with the fight. Let him keep the house he has put in his fathers name, let him keep the boat and antiques he is undervaluing, let him keep the main house and finally maybe he should take the babies as I do not want them to wonder why their mother cries all the time.

There you go - so many of us are in the same place. Send me a private message if you need to. Be strong - as when I know others are going through this and are 'holding' on - it makes me stand up and not give in.
We are all here for you.

Big hugs Yummy

hi,
I am sorry that you are in such bad place,You have to trust yourself.You are not going mad ,the best way to deal with your x2b is to try and ignore him as much as possible.If the matter is in court he knows what he is more likely to be entitled to this is why he is using the bulling tactic.
If he wants 50% residency and he is a good dad,why won't you agree to it.It miht be best for the children.
Come here as often as you can and use chat to get you through this

Yummy - thanks. I have taped some stuff- more for protection of myself and to see if I am harrassing him as he alleges. Stagnely enough when I was taping he decided to get out his mobile to threaten me with taping the conversation and then proceeded to swear profusely at me on his own recording. I don think any of it can be used.

I know exactly what you mean about hatred. I thought I had started getting through the change curve and have moved onto acceptance. Along comes the data that strongly indicates he has had the affair and boom back down i go.

I was helping make cakes today with the children at the school.The teacher (the affairess) comes over to me in the staff room and says ooh they smell yummy and says did I enjoy making them. I tell her yes thanks and inside fell like ramming down her throat. How dare she think I am so stupid.

I have never felt like this before. I am keeping it all bottled up inside ... people at school know there is something up again but how can I tell them that the teacher of many of their children had her address for a resrvation for a B&B booking for a double room in my ex's name at the time she was teaching my children. I have the potential for a bomb to go off in this village - I genuinely am concerned that people will turn on her if they knew and I am not sure I could cope with being the person who lights the detonator - I could end up blowing myself up if it gets into the wrong hands.

One of the major events leading to me placing the occupation order just happened to coincide with the day the teacher asked to speak to me worried that I was worried about a conflict of interest arising from the "friendship". God only knows what is going to happen when my solictor writes to his solicitor next week to ask him outright. I am really frightened what will happen.

Yummy - I suspect we have alot in common. I must be a very old fashioned girl - but I just feel that if someone wants out they should go and leave the person with dignity. He says i don't get any of that from him becasue I tried to get him evicted from his own house .... was his bullying respectful towards me.

Have just been onto the domestic violence site and frighteningly have ticked yes to most of the questions which indicated domestic violence ..... and yes, I never said anything to him or anyone because I thought it was my fault.If I can see it why can't he?

Will the courts see it do you think?